One need only look at the United Nations to witness that staggering apex of human stupidity. Observe:
"Nobody understands how $11 to $12 billion a year of subsidies in 2006 and protective tariff policies have had the effect of diverting 100 million tonnes of cereals from human consumption, mostly to satisfy a thirst for fuel for vehicles," said FAO head Jacques Diouf, opening the summit at the body's Rome headquarters.
This statement is so absurdly stupid that I feel a desperate need to believe he is joking. Why, it is almost like some magical force drives prices up when demand is artificially inflated by subsidies and protection.
Even better? The solution found by these dipshits is to subsidize food production on the other side! Of course, this will just cause the prices to rise again as the two sides get into a government funded bidding war with other people's money.
People actually want to put these helmeted retards in charge of the whole planet?
Authorities in Bavaria, southern Germany, have taken a seven-month-old boy into care after his parents offered him for sale on eBay "as a joke".
The unnamed child was advertised as a "nearly-new baby" with a starting price of one euro (£0.80, $1.6).
Police have launched an investigation into possible child-trafficking by the infant's father, 24, and mother, 23.
The mother told a German newspaper: "It was only a joke. I just wanted to see if someone would make an offer."
What a couple of helmet-wearing fuckbuckets. I get so irritated when parents think it is funny to get their kids drunk or watch them fight, apparently, offer them up for sale on the internet. It's funny when your dog is drunk, not your fucking child.
On the other hand, I still don't feel comfortable with the government's ability to matter-of-factly take their child without any obvious abuse or mistreatment. It probably was a joke and I don't think that making a joke, even a truly vile and tasteless one, should result in the loss of a child.
Unfortunately, it is just the continuation of a trend. More and more it appears the government is actually the legal owners of your children and can, for whatever or no reason, take them from you under the threat of violence.
These people are retards but a retard telling a stupid joke doesn't warrant the permanent separation of parent and child. It just doesn't.
And since we're on the topic of children, here are some pictures of my perfect, wonderful spawn.
The man pointed to the moon and asked, "Is that a half moon?" the officer said in the report. "I asked the defendant if he dialed 911 to ask the question," the officer said in the report. "The man said he did."
He later asked philosophically, "I wonder who owns that moon" to which the officer responded with a poem:
You are a typing monkey who manages to be accidentally thoughtful and improbably endearing.
Fuck yeah.
Sorry for the dearth of posting today. I've been getting assrammed by work and they just installed some rather draconian web-tracking software. I'll be trying Blogger's email an entry feature later. Hopefully that'll work.
Otherwise, it'll be evening drunk blogging for all. Expect a new Zombie Invasion Ask a Moron tomorrow.
Police say a tuxedo-clad western New York man was drunk when he took a riding lawn mower out for an early morning spin.
Chautauqua County Sheriff Joseph Gerace said deputies got a report of an intoxicated person at a home in Irving around 1 a.m. Monday. When they arrived, the man was spotted riding away on his mower.
Fucking awesome.
I wonder what they'll charge him with. I know there is a violation for speeding in golf carts and DUI in a golf cart. I do a lot of work with state driving violations and they never cease to amaze me. For example, DUI manslaughter on a bicycle. Remember, they don't make a law until someone does it.
Italians were surprised, and in some cases outraged, on Wednesday to discover that their income levels were available for public viewing on an Internet site.
As part of a crack-down on tax evasion, the outgoing centre-left government made public every citizen's declared taxable income on the state's tax website, a decision attacked by consumer groups and some politicians.
The website, www.agenziaentrate.gov.it, was difficult to access on Wednesday, something media said was due to massive traffic as curious Italians tried to see what their neighbours and celebrities were earning.
The most disturbing element of this story is not that this information is public (our government routinely releases vast reams of personal information inadvertently) but that it was a matter of public policy. They intentionally published the income of every Italian in order to curb tax evasion!
What a great fucking plan. An idea so retarded only a bureaucrat could love it.
Normally, even as a Cubs fan, I have a lot of respect for Ozzie Guillen's straight talk with the media but I think he may have gone a bit overboard yesterday:
"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups -- 'Call up this guy, call up that guy.' ... If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best [stuff] in town. Now we're [bleep]," Guillen said to the aforementioned Chicago media before the game.
Guillen observed that Chicago still loved the Cubs, even though they have not won a World Series since 1908, but the White Sox -- winners of the 2005 World Series -- did not receive the same affectionate support.
"We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep]," Guillen said, according to the Chicago Tribune. "The Cubs haven't won in [100] years, and they're the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody. We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.
The fact that he's correct (still a Cubs fan) doesn't change how fucking stupid it was to go on that tirade. At least he is helping out the profanity level of my blog. Well, he would be if I could find a non-censored version. Even the fucking Internet is letting me down.
He's right about anotherthing: he won't be managing the White Sox in 10 years.
A man has been accused of attempting to pass a $360 billion check, which he claims was given to him by his girlfriend’s mother to start a record business, Fort Worth police said.
Charles Ray Fuller Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, was arrested on April 22 on an accusation of forgery, police said.
Police responded to a report of a man attempting to pass the check about 4 p.m. that day at the Chase bank in the 8600 block of South Hulen Street, Fort Worth police Lt. Paul Henderson said.
The personal check was not made out to Mr. Fuller and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion.
Seriously, read that a few times and really let it sink in. Now, look at the guy's picture. Go on, I'll be here when you get back.
Now, try to wrap your mind around THIS:
Mr. Fuller was also accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana, Lt. Henderson said. He may also face a theft charge in Crowley.
I don't fucking believe it.
So, to sum this story up, a man goes into a bank with a personal check for 360 billion with a B dollars and tries to CASH it. That would be almost half of all circulated U.S. currency and most certainly would not be contained in the vaults or cashier's drawer of a single bank.
Second, I'd love to see the house his girlfriend's mother lives in. I'd wager a lot (not $360 billion, mind you) that her house might suggest she doesn't, in fact, possess those levels of cash assets. If not, perhaps Jonathan Lee Riches was suing the wrong people.
You know what would be great? Those two ending up in prison together. These two men who have absolutely no understanding of the size of numbers could sit in their cells and sue each other and write checks to each other.
I know this is old but I just can't get over how fucking deliciousthis story is. It reminds me that the Federal government isn't just a faceless amalgamation of witless bureaucrats but also, from time to time, is staffed with magnificent bastards.
For those of you that don't know, magnificent bastards are total cockfaces that live to infuriate others but do it in such an amusing and poetic manner that you have to smile. Here's one of my favorite examples:
We all know the story but here's a recap:
Mr. Snipes, who was convicted in February, received one year for each count, to be served consecutively, and an additional year of probation. The sentence was handed down by Judge William Terrell Hodges of Federal District Court.
Mr. Snipes, who apologized for his actions before the sentence was announced, showed no immediate reaction to the verdict.
Judge Hodges allowed Mr. Snipes and a co-defendant, Douglas Rosile, to remain free on bond until they were summoned by either the United States Marshals Service or the Federal Bureau of Prisons.
The sentencing came at the end of a daylong hearing in which lawyers for Mr. Snipes argued for leniency while federal prosecutors sought the maximum penalty possible.
The case was the most prominent tax prosecution since the billionaire hotelier Leona Helmsley was convicted of tax fraud in 1989. Mr. Snipes, who has built a worldwide following acting in films like the “Blade” vampire trilogy, must pay up to $17 million in back taxes plus penalties and interest.
Now, my favorite part of this story is that Wesley Snipes attempted to earn leniency by paying off a portion of his debt:
Mr. Snipes even tried to make a down payment on his taxes before sentencing; his legal team offered Judge Hodges three checks totaling $5 million.
Judge Hodges refused the checks, saying he did not have the authority to accept them. Prosecutors also declined to accept the checks. An Internal Revenue Service employee eventually accepted the checks on behalf of the Treasury Department.
I love it. He tries to buy them off and at first the government acts like itself, retarded and incapable of making a decision. Then, some overachiever (by Fed standards) realized that the motherfucker had to pay them the money anyway and that his paying in no way mitigated the crime he had committed. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he has a private word with his attorneys.
The judge gets a good jab in, too:
Mr. Snipes’s legal team also questioned the validity of federal sentencing guidelines. At one point, one of his lawyers, Carmen Hernandez, described herself as “an expert on sentencing.”
Judge Hodges replied, “If I may be so bold, I’ve also had some experience with that.”
Heh.
Now, I was upset I didn't get a chance to post this until today but I'm glad I waited because we now have definitive proof that Snipes could have played the insane card. He wants to serve his term in New Fucking Jersey.
James Caan has left the political comedy "Nailed" after a dispute led him to storm off the set, and it all seems to have centered on a cookie.
The trouble started last Wednesday on the first of Caan's two days of shooting the role of a U.S. speaker of the house who chokes to death on a cookie. Director David O. Russell asked him to cough as he choked, but Caan argued that the character couldn't cough and choke to death at the same time.
Seriously?
Of course, I really only picked James Caan as today's moron of the day so I had an excuse to put this on my blog:
Via Gizmodo I find the well-earned Moron of the Day:
This reminds me of my brother's 2nd or 3rd birthday party at Chuck "E" Cheese's. The whole family along with many family friends and young children filled the place for pizza and gaming and everyone was having a ball. We left my brother playing skee-ball for a moment but were soon called by frantic staff members.
There my brother laid, bleeding profusely from the head on the ground next to the skee-ball ramp. To this day we have no fucking clue how he did it but it required several stitches which were administered in the sterile environment of the kitchen.
Yes, the kitchen. I am not shitting you.
So, I guess I have to admit that this moron may not be medically retarded as my brother is in graduate school and he managed to injure himself in a way that could only be called moronic.
Anyone else have any stupid stories involving the moronic injury of family or friends? Throw them in the comments.
Moron steals $80,000.00 in rare coins. Moron takes them to the fucking bank and deposits them with the man he stole them from:
Three days after stealing a rare collection of coins, a thief in Germany took them to the bank for safe keeping -- and delivered them into the hands of the man he had robbed.
[...]
Soon after the thief made the deposit, a bank worker handling the coins recognized them as the set worth some 50,000 euros ($80,000) that had been stolen from his house.
While it is easy for us to tease the morons that commit these crimes it is important to remember: If they weren't borderline retarded, they wouldn't be criminals in the first place.
A powerful explosion blew the top off a house where a registered sex offender described as acting paranoid had rented a room and appeared to have been making bombs, deputies said Tuesday.
I love the deputies explanation of what happened here:
"He either accidentally or intentionally set the explosion off, which took the whole top floor off of the residence and engulfed the house in flames," Troyer said.
"This wasn't a little explosion. This was the real deal," he said.
Lucky for him, no matter what condition he's in, the Barbed Cock of Satan will find a hole to get busy with. He's easy like that.
A Kenosha County Sheriff's Department report says the driver and three passengers were in the cab of the pickup and four others were covered by blankets in the bed of the truck, which had Arizona license plates.
The passengers told the deputy when stopped on Interstate 94 Sunday that they believed they were "going to Wisconsin for a fiesta."
Deputies found soda cans and food along with pillows and blankets in the truck's cargo area where four men had been riding.
Going to Wisconsin for a fiesta? What the fuck? Summerfest isn't for another couple of months.
I think this guy just got lost and started talking about the Wisconsin fiesta after he saw the "Welcome to Wisconsin" signs. "Si, guys, we goeen to Weesconeseen for una fiesta, no?"
I am pretty sure that I have never seen anything that even approaches this level of stupidity from a candidate in all the years I've been watching the division of showbiz known as politics.
While we don't have video of the event, we do have this picture taken just before Obama gave the speech.
[W]hile Paris [Hilton] was [in Cape Town], she was obsessed with how much everything cost: "That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"
Seriously? At this point I have to let on that I secretly suspect this is at least 40% an act on Paris's part. I find it incredible that someone with her genes and privilege could be so awe-inspiringly fucking stupid.
For example, if you'd been to Africa on multiple occasions it would be pretty difficult to say this with a straight face:
I LOVE Africa in general, South Africa and West Africa. They are both great countries.
On the other hand, 30 brilliant Hollywood writers couldn't script better dialogue for an idiot character. It is almost too perfect. Suspiciously perfect.
It is a constant complaint of the left that the Republican party only maintains it's hold on the reins of power by fear mongering. We describe the real existence of thousands (if not millions) of terrorists who hate us and want to kill us while they literally predict the end of the fucking world on a daily basis.
BEER will be short supply, more expensive and may taste different as climate change affects barley production, a scientist says.
Drought conditions in parts of Australia where malting barley was grown was likely to get worse, according to Jim Salinger of New Zealand's National Institute of Water and Atmospheric Research.
I will not stand idly by and my family intimidated and terrified by ramped up warnings about impending beer shortages! To my fellow Wisconsinites, this is tantamount to suggesting air may be in short supply. After all, we are a state that found St. Patrick's day insufficient and created an additional Beer Day not three weeks later!
Keep your rotten fear mongering to yourself, Jim Salinger; today's Moron of the Day.
A Reading man whose minivan crashed after he climbed on its roof while driving about 55 miles per hour is in fair condition this weekend.
So far, so good. Doing a Teen Wolf impression at 55 miles per hour already earns you legendary status but it has a distinct problem: what do you do for an encore? Well, this might work:
Police in West Reading say the 38-year-old man later stripped naked and led them on a chase along the highway.
Awesomely awesome.
The most astounding part of the story? You won't even believe it:
Authorities are not identifying the man, who is not charged.
