Conversations I Have In My Head: Tailgating

Man Driving Pickup Truck - Hey, you mind backing off my ass a bit? Don't you get worried you're going to hit me?

Me - Well, isn't it obvious from my bemused grin that I'm not worried? Besides, how the hell could I possibly hit you?

Man Driving Pickup Truck - Well, what if I slow down really quickly?

Me - Judging by your driving, I don't think you could do anything that quickly. Except have sex. Ooohhh Sick burn!

Man Driving Pickup Truck - ...

Unsolicited Commuter Observation

To the white-knuckled woman driving the VW covered in liberal bumper stickers:

While I appreciate the abject horror you endure while driving on the freeway, might I make a suggestion; The practice of driving nearly twenty miles per hour less than the speed limit in the fast lane during rush hour only increases the likelihood that you will die a horrible, flaming death while trapped in the wreckage of what was, just seconds ago, your normal life. If you truly find it necessary to park your car on the freeway, might I suggest the right lane. At the very least, the rear-impact force would be diminished as the vehicle that rammed you would only be going 35.

Just throwing that out there.

Attention Wisconsin Drivers

If your path leads you to interstates 94 or 894 while driving in, around or south of Milwaukee please proceed in an orderly fashion to the right two lanes. It has been my experience that you are incapable of maintaining any speed or even remaining withing 10 mph of a given speed. These variances combined with your propensity for driving slower than the speed limit have made it clear that you cannot bear the awesome responsibility of life in the fast lane.

Your cooperation is appreciated in this matter.

P.S. I would vociferously condemn you as the worst drivers in the world but that honor is clearly reserved for the drivers of Las Vegas. Where else could I have witnessed someone do a complete 360 on the strip after the most gentle misting mother nature can produce.