Ask A Moron: Zombie Invasion - Exodus

...Previously...

It has been several weeks since Ash saw the unfortunate gentleman in the parking lot partially devoured. Later that day, he joined his consumers in meanderingly mindless in search of food. Unfortunately for Ash and his friends, they aren't the only ones looking for food. A quick tally of the remaining rations reveals only a week is left before starvation begins. It's time to get the fuck out of dodge.

I Have a Clever Plan

In the initial hours of the invasion, Ash contacted all local friends and family and arranged an escape plan should one become necessary. While hope for an outside solution to the problem remains, the current food shortage necessitates action. These original plans will need to be put in motion.

Before leaving town, there are three locations from which Ash must rescue people dear to him. Two are private residences and one is an apartment complex. He is to extricate five individuals from these locations; his parents and three friends. Of course, before he can do any of that the survivors have to get to their cars.

Getting to the Car (Choppa)

In the parking lot there are five cars belonging to Ash's party of survivors. You may recall that two of the vehicles arrived later when Ash's friends fled dangerous locations and joined the party. The primary problem with getting to the cars is that there are two dozen hungry undead looking for a snack. Three of the cars are parked on the near side of the parking lot but two cars are parked more distantly. It is decided that it is critical to take as much transportation as possible so they're going to have to find a way to get drivers into each of the cars and started before any zombie violence befalls them. The group is broken up into teams and each are instructed as to which vehicle to head toward. Now all they need to do is get rid of these zombies.

Being that these are ninja zombies (not swarming zombies) it is possible to pick one off at a time and any zombie that doesn't detect you with their own senses is unlikely to pursue or attack. The plan is for the teams bring the shotgun to the controlled access doors downstairs while Ash shoots from the balcony with his pistol. From here he will pick off as many zombies as he can while (hopefully) remaining out of reach. This should draw the zombies toward him. It is clear that eventually the zombies will break through the sliding glass doors into the downstairs apartments and make an attempt to bypass the shoddy defenses. From his location on the balcony, Ash can see and keep clear the main front door so long as zombies haven't figured out how to climb brick walls.

As the zombies that get by him move into the downstairs apartments the parking lot should clear out. As soon as Ash yells go or a zombie breaks into the downstairs hallway it is time for the gangs to move out.

All of the survivors quietly move to the downstairs area carrying as much food and equipment as they can, securing themselves between the outside door and the locked inner security door. They nervously watch the blockaded doors for movement as they hear Ash start shooting. Above, Ash has started to fire carefully aimed shots at the heads of the zombies. While he isn't the best shot, he benefits(?) from his targets shambling toward him after the initial miss. Within minutes he has cleared half of the visible undead from the parking lot and they aren't being replaced by reinforcements. He can't find many more in range until he hears an angry, hungry screech from below his feet. Looking through the cracks in the balcony he can see that one had been under him the whole time. Shortly thereafter he hears the sound of shattering glass as the zombie moves into the lower unit.

The shotgun wielding 'leader' of the lower survivors knows his first responsibility after leaving the room is to check both sides of the door to make sure no sneaky little ninja fucker had stealthed away out of their line of sight. Then he is to provide protection as the first three groups move to the near cars. Once they are in those cars, he will escort the other two groups (one of which he is a member) to their more distant vehicles. All this time, Ash is providing as much cover and scouting as possible. All he has to do now is wait for the command.

Ash sees the lot to be clear of any targets and hears his new downstairs neighbor viciously attempting to break through the blockade with some success. He decides it is time to give the command. The shout is heard below and they begin to move. From his vantage point he can see the shotgun swing left, fire twice then swing back to the right. He looks up with a nod as the rest of them begin moving across the parking lot. Within moments the first three cars are loaded and started. The rest begin moving the thirty yards to the other cars. Ash stays vigilant for any movement but the rest of it goes off without a hitch. The cars line up into a caravan in the middle of the parking lot and Ash jumps down from the balcony, immediately turning to see if his company has decided to come back out and play. He then charges to the nearest car and piles in. Roll out!

Mean Streets

The first house is less than three miles away but in that distance much is learned about the new world. Burned out car wrecks litter the highway and many apartment buildings and houses have been totally destroyed. Much time is spent weaving through obstacle courses of debris with maximum attention paid to keeping momentum and maximizing distance from possible zombie hiding spots. Rolling through town only a few zombies are seen and those slow monstrosities rarely attempt pursuit of the fast moving vehicles.

They slow down when they arrive at the house, pulling their cars into a semi-circle in the front yard. One car takes shelter within this wagon circle in order to collect the refugees. Ash and Shotgun get out of the car and provide cover as the horn is honked. It doesn't seem that anyone is home but sure enough, two people come out a moment later. Ash points the gun at his parents and instructs them to get into the trunk of the car. He doesn't have time to explain his reasoning because the new neighbors are getting restless. They do as they are told and the caravan moves out with new cargo.

It may seem cruel but in this situation it is necessary to preserve the safety of the group and there was no time for a full, nude search out in the open. They couldn't bypass this crucial security measure so they had to maintain a physical separation from the new survivors. This combined with the pressing time element made it necessary to find a place to put them in the rather isolated trunk. Shotgun still sits in the back at the ready if anything bad happens.

They continue to the second house and a similar process comes off without a hitch. Unfortunately, the apartment complex they are to visit has been burned to the ground and only small hope remains that they escaped and await them at the rendezvous spot.

Getting out of Dodge

The caravan now makes its way to the nearest state highway as quickly as possible and heads West. The previously agreed upon rendezvous point is a commonly known, large parking lot about six hours away. This location is in the middle of nowhere, provides great lines of sight and has enough room for dozens of cars to park without nearing any cover that ninja zombies may use to sneak up on their prey.

For now, Ash sleeps as the devestated world rolls by.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

• The Beginning
• They Live
• Know Thine Enemy

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at a

Crossposted at doubleplusundead.

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - Know Thine Enemy

...previously...

Ash has never wanted a radio or television signal more than he does right now. For the last several hours he has tried futilely to sleep through the groans of the hungry dead. They arrived as the sun dipped behind the horizon and now seem to be milling about outside without purpose or awareness. The defenses have not been tested and all are safe for the time being. Still, the mere knowledge of their presence is enough to rob even the most stoic and disciplined person of sleep.

First Night

During the first night, one of the firearms-savvy members of Ash's gang keeps watch and it has been required that he take notes on the behavior of the lingering undead. One of the cheif reasons for remaining stationary for the time being was to ensure enough intelligence to confidently and safely escape from the city. While it may seem prudent to get out of the city as quickly as possible there are several reasons this is a stupid idea.

First, during the initial periods there is a maximum of chaos and confusion. Not only do you need to be highly concerned about the zombie menace but also fellow, panicked humans. It is often and correctly noted that a person is smart but people are morons. Throw in the end of the world an you are looking at a massive army of self-interested, frantic retards charging off without any plan or real destination. In other words, dangerous people.

Second, it is not yet clear if escaping will even be necessary. Evidently, the machinery of society has broken down but it may yet be repaired. Even in the best of circumstances the pendulum of government, once pushed, takes some time to swing back and address the situation. The military may yet control the threat. The scientific community still has the capacity to reverse the zombie plague. Hell (pun intended), religion may yet find a way to set the dead to rest.

Finally, and most importantly: You only get one shot at this. It can not be overemphasized that the smallest miscalculation could get you outmaneuvered and it only takes one tiny bite to destroy your entire coterie. Knowing that you are currently in a relatively secure location allows you to gather information and process your surroundings while plans are formulated. When the nature of the enemy and the condition of surviving humantiy is better understood, and only then, a cautious, meticulous escape should be attempted.

Lying Low

If you're anything like me, your first impulse would be to load up the guns, walk out on the balcony and from that relatively safe position start giving the zombies nicknames and blowing their heads off Dawn of the Dead style. Surely, combining the fun of wonton destruction with the murder of zombies couldn't be bad. Sadly, this approach would be wasteful and irresponsible at best and potentially disasterous at worst depending on the nature of the foes. One of the most important known unknowns is the method by which the undead search for and locate their prey. Are they drawn to loud noise or scared of it? Do they seek out humans by scent or merely chase things they can see. Obviously, if they have spread so quickly and pervasively they must have, at the least, retained basic hunting and tracking abilities. Because of these unknowns, firing off half-cocked (again, intended) will at least serve to waste needed ammunition for no strategic or tactical gain and at worst could make you the zombie Guns and Roses. Not an envious position no matter how much you like mosh pits and intravenous alcohol.

Another important aspect to pay attention to is any remaining zombie communication ability. If one zombie locates prey does it move alone to intercept the delicious human flesh or does it in some way signal to the other zombies that dinner's ready? Another important and obvious fact is that the zombies definitely do not stop to completely consume their prey but instead seem to bite each one with the intention of infection then move on to other live prey. Once the victim is dead, it is left to rise partially but not cripplingly consumed. For this reason, any attempt at decoy heroics is effectively a suicide and saves noone. If Ash sees any of his friends run off in an attempt to 'draw them away' he is liable to shoot them before they get the chance.

So, for the time being, the night watchman looks out a small hole in the defenses and notes each movement and interaction, hoping morbidly to see them hunt, to see them swarm in order to increase desperately needed knowledge. Much of the escape strategy will depend on these factors.

Strategery

Communicative zombies (Swarming Zombies) will tend to swarm giving opportunities for mass slaughter should the weapons be available and the need arise. Also, these swarms will serve to present a solid front against which our heroes can direct their defense. Dinner bell grunts will also serve as a warning should one zombie notice you before you notice it. The worst scenario with Swarming Zombies is being caught in the open with no method of faster-than-zombie travel. You will want to avoid being seen at all by the various clots of zombies throughout the city. For this reason, travelling by backroads and alleys allows necessary cover at the expense of possible surprise by the odd stragler. This is a small price to pay to avoid an angry throng of Swarming Zombies in the middle of main street. Any lone zombies will need to be killed on sight to prevent any attempt at calling to friends. You will also want to move quickly as any loud noise may start to draw Swarming Zombies and you will want to stay ahead of them. Initiative is the key to dealing with Swarming Zombies.

Non-Communicative zombies (Ninja Zombies) will pose a different threat by, in effect, sneaking up on you. Because they make no attempt to warn their brethren or bring friends to the party they will be randomly dispersed through any given area and will not make their presence known before attempting to fill their bellies. This scenario demands an almost completely reverse strategy from the previous one. Stalking through back alleys and side streets only serves to more completely put you at the mercy of random chance and get you bit by surprise behind a dumpster. In this case it is preferable to move on the widest, most open locations and deal with each zombie as it approaches. Walking down the center of an empty street gives you several yards of unobstructed line of sight with which to mow down the undead. Also, moving too quickly serves no purpose as no vast shambling horde is attempting to catch you. Cautious, determined advancement through the city will serve best. Unfortunately, this scenario also requires more weapons and ammuntion to accomplish. There will be way more fire fights.

Tightening Belts

The rising sun brings with it memories of a different world but also the familiar pangs of hunger. It is decided that food will be rationed at a level that uses as little food as possible while maintaining alertness and physical fitness in the survivors. An inventory of current supplies is taken and it is determined that there is enough food for three weeks before totally being exhausted. Unfortunately, this adds a time element to the escape plan which disallows waiting until all conditions are ideal. Three weeks into the future, ready or not, these neighbors will have to move out.

So far, the power remains on by whatever automatic mechanism exists but all forms of communication are completely down. It is clearly impossible to get messages to any of the other groups Ash talked with before contact was lost. It is then necessary to trust that each group rememembers the plan of extraction. There are three locations to which Ash must go before leaving the town. If these are fucking Ninja Zombies, they'll add another stop before they get moving.

Also during this time, any members of the group that aren't trained in the use of firearms (damned hippies) are taught the basics of loading, aiming and firing a gun. Well, as much as can be taught without actually, you know, firing the fucking gun. With a dearth of trained marksmen, it is strongly hoped that these aren't Ninja Zombies but coming events will make that determination as plain as day.

An Unfortunate Example

Several days come and go without any notable occurances. Several dozen zombies have passed by the limited line of sight and at any given time over a dozen are visible. They do not seem to be engaged in any activity other than shambling about and randomly twitching. They also don't seem to be coagulting as Swarming Zombies probably would but without the presences of prey, it is impossible to truly test that theory. Unfortunately for the young man creeping through the parking lot, Ash is about to get his evidence.

He makes his way cautiously along the edge of the building across the parking lot attempting to stay low and make no noise. The dozen or so zombies in his immediate area are arrayed facing nearly random directions but so far none are looking in his particular direction and that seems to be the method by which he chooses his path. Unfortunately for him, Ash can see a zombie behind a parked van that will surely see him should he continue in the direction he is going. Ash does nothing.

As much as possible I wish to avoid morality in any great measure during these posts but I believe this particular situation warrants a little moral exloration. Is it moral to do nothing and nearly ensure by your inaction the death of this stranger. Obviously, yes. At this stage of the game we can only assume that any attempt at warning the young man will result in garnering the unwanted attention of some hungry, rotting people. For that reason, any behavior that might risk creating this level of sound is absolutely, morally unacceptable. This poor stranger attempting to get by will almost certainly die but the many in the building with Ash will survive, at least for now. Sadly, the survivors of a zombie apocalypse will face many such disturbing decisions and very few of them will be less morally ambiguous or feel more humane. So Ash just watches as this man becomes a victim.

The young man walks past the corner of the parked van and enters the zombie's line of sight, prompting an immediate and rather quick reaction. It takes a moment for him to react to the closing shambler and in that moment the short distance between them has been covered. He swings his club at the zombie but the blow is glancing and only serves to cock the zombie's head to the side as it takes it's first, fatal bite. Ash notices what didn't happen. The zombie did not make any noise. The man's screams, however, alert the nearby zombies to the presense of food. Fucking Ninja Zombies.

Ash adds the gun store to his list of destinations with a sigh.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

• The Beginning
• They Live
  

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Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - They Live

...previously...

Sleep It Off
Our Hero Ash had a long night Friday night. He went down to the local pub with his friends and drank too many pints so Saturday morning will not be an early one. This perhaps was not the best night to celebrate (or maybe it was). At about the time he was driving himself home the dying were finding the doors to hell shut tight leaving them no choice but get back up and start eating some brains.

In fact, had he paid attention (and not been so buzzed), he may have noticed how many police and emergency vehicles were racing toward downtown (the location of the only hospital in the city) instead of thanking God they hadn't noticed his drunk ass. By the time Ash sleeps this one off, it will be a very different world.

Hell Is Full
Being that these are 'Hell Is Full," not "disease," zombies there is no patient zero but instead a generalized, global dispersal pattern concentrated in health care facilities, war zones, and urban centers. For this reason, effective quarantines will be nearly impossible to enforce and early attempts will result in these military and law enforcement assets being outflanked and routed if not totally obliterated.

Initially, the media will report riots or a disease outbreak while government and emergency agencies attempt to isolate or, eventually, merely slow the spread of this seemingly random violence. Nearly all police and military first responders are totally obliterated before being able to report any valuable intelligence. Similarly, media correspondents sent to the scenes of the chaos will only be able to show fractured accounts from survivors and short, abruptly ending video clips.

By the time the haphazard trickle of information begins to paint an accurate picture of the events that are unfolding, most military and government institutions will have decided to drop back into fully defensive positions to evaluate their options while the media's ability to disperse useful information will have been limited to studio broadcasts. If you can't get a reporter to leave the Green Zone in Baghdad. What fucking reporter would go out into a full-fledged fucking zombie invasion? Well, other than Michael Yon.

Media Matters



This is about when Ash finally stops ignoring his vibrating cell phone and confronts his hangover. A friend from the bar the previous evening simply instructs him to turn on the television. Ash spends the next several minutes flipping through the channels that haven't dropped to test patterns, absorbing as much information as possible. He also reads through as many blogs as possible picking up survival tips from first-hand witnesses and attempting to ignore Glenn Reynolds' "I TOLD YOU SO" about disaster preparedness.

"An Army of Shauns. Heh."

Drudge's deadline is so big that readers' heads often explode. Kos blames Bush. MoveOn shouts "We Let Bush Ramble, Why Not The Dead Shamble?"

The information he gleans is a checklist of zombie movie basics. A seeming army of infected individuals are violently attacking every living human they see. Any human that is bitten, even on an extremity, is immediately infected and within a short interval becomes as aggressive, dimwitted and contagious as the others. The only method by which these undead can be pacified is severe head trauma. Anything less seems only to inconvenience them. Of course, the government is 'doing everything they can' but that doesn't seem like much.

Everyone is pretty much on their own. You know, fucked.

The First Hours


There isn't much to do in the first few hours but ensuring it be done effectively is crucial. First, all doors must be closed, locked and barricaded with large, sturdy furniture. Any window must, as well as possible, be covered and blocked. Ash knows his apartment building has controlled access but doesn't trust the security of the lower levels (sliding glass windows don't make the best fortress walls) and already begins formulating a plan to blockade the stair case should the need arise.

He loads every spare magazine for his pistol and holsters it on his hip. He won't want to be without it for even a moment from now on. Looking outside, he doesn't detect any living dead but he can see large plumes of smoke rising in the distance and, sporadically, the sounds of gunfire or screaming waft in the window. Danger is evidently nearby.

It is critical in these early periods to utilize any technology still available before it inevitably ceases to function. Immediately calls to local family members and friends are made in an attempt to determine who is in a defensible location and who, if not, must relocate. He also uses this time to establish a rendezvous point outside the city that will be the initial staging area after escape has been accomplished. Everyone agrees that time must be taken to study and understand the situation before leaving secured locations. There will only be one shot at this.

Finally, it is determined that three friends will be going to Ash's apartment either because they were at work or because their homes are indefensible. While awaiting their arrival, Ash checks with his neighbors and helps them to secure their apartments as effectively as possible. All first floor apartments are abandoned after the doors are locked and barricaded. Remaining furniture from the downstairs apartments is used to make a blockade of the central stairwell and the double (airlock) security doors are secured. Unfortunately, it is discovered that there are only two firearms among the 12 residents so that will have to do. Ash wishes he lived in Texas about now.

Strict Rules, Tough Decisions


The sun is beginning to dip beyond the horizon by the time Ash's friends finally arrive but still no obvious zombie activity is detected outside the apartment. Before being buzzed in, each of the friends are asked to disrobe completely and allow themselves to be examined through the glass of the security door. After it is demonstrated that they have no bite marks on their body, they are allowed to enter.

Ash knows it is intolerable for someone who is infected or could be infected to be allowed near the living. Were one of the individuals to have a bite mark, it would be imperative that they not be allowed to enter no matter how lucid they seemed or how believable the explanation. At this point, group survival takes precedence over any other consideration. This means absolute adherence to the rules even when following them means certain death for another.

No exceptions.

The First Night
Later that evening the first zombies can be heard rummaging around outside the apartment in the dark. Also, the television and computer are finally shut down as all major media has either gone to test patterns or simply ceased to function. While the power is still on, cell phones have also stopped working. Ash and his tribe of 15 are alone. They settle in for their first night's sleep after the end of the world.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

• The Beginning
• Know Thine Enemy
  

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at the address on the sidebar.

This Moron Is Busy

Can't blog much at work today but wanted to mention that the next installment of Ask A Moron: Zombie Invasion will be out this afternoon. It won't be dealing with too much strategy on our hero's part instead focusing on the general, global situation.

Prognosis: Epic Fail.

So, stay tuned!

Ask a Moron: Bush Causes Hurricanes Not Cyclones

Alice H. asks - Is Cyclone Nargis getting less press, despite it's massively huge death toll, because it's harder to blame Bush for something that happened halfway around the world?

As we all know, everything bad that happens, whether by action or inaction, is Bush's fault. The problem the media runs into is how to frame this argument when the event is:

• A) An Act of God


• B) All the way around the world


• C) responded to by Bush with a strong diplomatic push to allow a torrent of government and charitable aid into the stricken areas.

This presents quite a quandary. What to do?

Why, what they always do. Attempt to ignore it completely. Problem is, death tolls of 100,000 or more tend to demand public attention to some level or another. In order to maintain the charade of neutrality a news organization must occasionally pad their 24/7 Bushilter programming with some, you know, actual news.

If you remember, they had the same panicked feeling about the tsunami and the shuttle disaster. For the first few hours of coverage they reported it almost completely straight while their top journalistic minds attempted to find some angle with which to pin the blame on Bush. You could almost see the tear run down their faces when they realized there was not even a stretch move to be made.

Poor bastards.

That's why I get all my news from the Moronosphere. We may be stupid but at least we're honest. You know, like retards.

P.S.: I know I'm in the middle of a big Ask A Moron but that's going to take a week or more and this one was pretty topical. Besides, Alice rules.

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Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - The Beginning

doubleplusundead asks a fucking awesome question - Okay, here's a question for you. If you're facing a massive zombie outbreak, what do you arm and equip yourself with as you make your way to a secured zone?

What is your overall strategery? Do you take a fast and light approach or heavy and slow approach, or something in between?

Lucky for you, this is a topic I've spent no small amount of time contemplating. It isn't that I think it is likely (although some would have me believe it is possible) but that I find the tactical and strategic considerations to be subtle and interesting as well as just fucking cool. So, let's dig in shall we?

The Enemy


First, it is necessary to define the nature of our zombie plague. In order to keep this interesting, we are going to go with the standard hell-is-full, Dawn of the Dead zombie. Any consideration of fast zombies or zombies with advanced tool use lead us quickly to human extermination while disease-style zombies present too many complicated moral implications (do you try to cure them or kill them, etc...).

So, our zombies are bereft of human intelligence, hunger inexplicably for human flesh and ramble at a slow, shambling pace. They will not be capable of opening doors or firing guns and will be only slightly stronger than an average human being. The only way to kill these zombies will be the standard blow to the head, causing moderate to severe skull trauma. Other damage will be ignored to what extent the body is still functionally intact. Any person bitten or scratched by a zombie becomes, after some dramatically inopportune period, a zombie themself.

You may think I'm attempting to make this easy for humanity but dozens of films reinforce what this simulator predicts. A small number of highly contagious zombies will overwhelm human populations quickly if not confronted immediately with brutal, often callous force.

Location, Location, Location


Our hypothetical survivor will begin his in a suburban location. For reason to be explained later, truly urban environments will produce nearly no survivors and even those may be defeated by other, non-zombie catastrophes. Conversely, surviving in a rural environment, considering awareness of the problem, would present very few interesting tactical or strategic considerations. I'm not saying survival would be easy, but significantly more so.

Our survivor will live on the second floor of a standard multi-unit, controlled access apartment building. His apartment will have a balcony and our survivor (let's call him Ash, for shits and giggles) will have basic survival training. Here, I'll admit some bias toward our hero as first floor occupants can expect a significantly lessened lifespan.

Equipment



Ash has the usual stuff in his apartment: Enough food to last for a few weeks if used sparingly, clothes, basic tools and simple media equipment (not useful in the long term but very useful in the hectic early moments. As far as firearms, Ash is a red-blooded American male who takes his citizenship somewhat seriously so he owns a single, semi-automatic handgun with enough ammunition to not worry about it in the medium term. Outside he has a late-model sports coupe that gets decent mileage but can drop lead if necessary. It is parked roughly 30 feet from the front door of the complex.



The Game Plan

The ultimate goal, if one wishes to survive a zombie apocalypse, is to get yourself as fucking far away as possible from urban centers to establish a walled safe zone. From this location you can eventually collect survivors and expand your sphere of influence as resources become available. In order to achieve that, it is necessary to immediately consolidate whatever survivors you can assemble in your home town and take those people and resource as quickly as possible to the countryside. This strategic plan will focus primarily on this early portion of the story.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

• They Live
• Know Thine Enemy

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at the address on the sidebar.

Ask A Moron: Pick Your Poison

Stashiu asks If humans were unexpectedly wiped out in a week, which would stay freshest longer... Twinkies or X-mas Fruitcake?

First of all, 'stay' should not be in this question because there is nothing fresh about Twinkies or fruitcake.

Second, I'm pretty sure that if humans were unexpectedly wiped out in a week it would be because of Christmas fruit cake.

Anyway, because the (horrifying) scientific properties of Twinkies are well known, the main variables are on the fruit cake side.

Really, it is difficult to find a person who has even eaten a bite of fruit cake let alone has conducted rigorous scientific study. I mean, have you ever actually tasted fruit cake? Anyone? Beuller?

I guess this is my answer:

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at the address on the sidebar.

Ask A Moron: Ask a Stupid Person, Get a Stupid Answer

bmac asks: If your driving at the speed of light (let's assume you could drive a car at the speed of light), and you turn your headlights on, will anything happen?

You turn gay.

Here is my proof:

Take that, Einstein.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me.

Ask A Moron: Quieres Bailar, Puto?

Te amo, porque tu culo es dulce.

Alice H. asks: Is it time to invade Venezuela yet?

While I am most decidedly an irresponsible chicken hawk warmonger, I'm of two minds on this one. On the one hand I can think of no greater thing than setting our boys loose for a little target practice in the lovely mountains of Venezuela. We could kick their asses, steal their oil and catapult Chavez into the ocean. It even seems that the State Department is slowly coming around to the idea:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is not cooperating with U.S. anti-terror efforts and has "deepened Venezuelan relationships with state sponsors of terrorism Iran and Cuba," the annual report says.

The report notes Chavez's "ideological sympathy" for the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia and the Colombian-based National Liberation Army, which "regularly crossed into Venezuelan territory to rest and regroup."

While the report says it "remained unclear to what extent the Venezuelan government provided support to Colombian terrorist organizations," it notes that Venezuelan weapons stocks have turned up in the hands of Colombian terrorist organizations.

It also notes that Iran and Venezuela began weekly flights between their capitals, and the passengers were not subject to proper checks. Among the passengers was a suspect in the plot to bomb New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

"Venezuelan citizenship, identity, and travel documents remained easy to obtain, making Venezuela a potentially attractive way station for terrorists," the report says.

Sounds like a good reason to send the boys in and expose Venezuela's socialist dictator to the wonders of high-tech, capitalist weaponry. What could be better?

Well, my other mind can think of one thing. Fucking with them.

We all know that Venezuela is only a threat in the realm of international popularity because his newly acquired Soviet military wouldn't last 30 minutes against Colombia let alone one Carrier Battle Group. What I think would be a good idea is using the combined power of the United States military and espionage arms to play constant, humiliating practical jokes on Venezuela and especially Hugo "Por Que No Te Calles" Chavez.

We could send every cell phone in the country a video of Chavez making out with Castro produced by our very best video editors.

How about doing this to him every morning?



Then, afterwards, we could take over all the TV channels in Venezuela and broadcast non-stop sweaty man beach volleyball with lots of ass slapping and chest bumping. I will spare you the video on that one.

High value production of Two Latin American Dictators, 1 Cup?

Intercept all weapons shipments and replace them with dildos?

The sky is the limit, I'm pretty stupid today so I'm sure you guys can come up with something better.

Bottom line: Let's make fun, not war. But after the fun, let's make a bunch of war. Then make fun again.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments.

Ask a Moron: Carter's Terrorist Buddies

Old Iron asks: What identified terrorist group has Carter NOT met with?

Well, I consulted the State Departments list of Foreign Terrorist Organizations and I'll be damned if I didn't find a picture of Jimmy Carter getting surprise buttsecks with the leader of every fucking one of them. It looked like I needed to dig a little deeper because I always go the extra mile for a fellow moron.

After much searching in dark archives and catacombs, I found the one global terrorist organization Jimmy Carter seems to have no affiliation with: The United States Government.

I didn't think we were a terrorist state either and I'll admit, my source is dubious at best but he seemed very adamant about it:

I have it on good authority (his) that Douchey McCockwarmer takes it in the rear. NTTAWWT

Anyway, if I didn't count the United States, I'd never have been able to write this post and I can't have that. So, for the sake of this post, let's assume Douchey McCockwarmer is right and Amerikka is eveel.*

Now, I tend to follow the news a lot and it seems like Jimmeh Carter is almost constantly on good-will, peacey-hopey-changey missions abroad in which he fellates terrorists on, I assumed, behalf of the American people. But after doing some research on this topic, I am shocked, shocked to discover that Jimmy Carter has, all these years, been acting without any official sanction from the government whatsoever!

I know, I can hardly believe it myself.

Why, it's almost like that senile, half-a-tard should park his ass down on the nut farm and plow his own ass with a chainsaw instead of legitimizing baby-murdering zealots with taxpayer provided security. Almost.

*- Upon further review, Douchey McCockwarmer is a certified lunatic who gets his news from www.ieatmyownfeceswithaspork.com and should probably be ignored on any topic he happens to start yelling incoherently about. Furthermore, my research has completely exonerated the U.S. government and Israel of all possible accusations of terrorism. The real terrorists are, in fact, those douchebags in the Middle East and, to some extent, elsewhere that insist on butchering innocents to make political statements far above their mental weight class would allow.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments.

Big Post Coming

I've been threatening this for a while and it is finally started. I'm going to lay out exactly how I feel about every issue in the form of letters to Liberals. The introduction is going to be the hardest part as it will be more essay than rant. Being that I'm a pretty shitty writer that resorts to endless profanity in lieu of the skilled use of vocabulary, this will be pretty difficult.

See you later.

P.S. - I'm still looking for questions for Ask a Moron. Seriously, ANY QUESTION will work.

Ask A Moron: Terror in the Oval Office

Chaika writes:

"How 'bout this? A 2-part question. Who, Hillary or Barack, would be more terrifying in the Oval Office if you were:

A. A sworn enemy of the United States;
B. An American taxpayer who wishes to be left alone."

You've come to the right Moron, my friend!

Perspective A: Sworn Enemy of the United States

O.H. Mubarak - Inset: Life partner
Hi, my name is Osama Hussein Mubarak and I'm a shit-eating, goat-fucking effigy burner and while I'm not engaged in grotesque multi-species sex acts with my fellow terrorists, I enjoy possessing women, public stonings and gang rape. I was asked by Moron Pundit to address which Democratic candidate inspires more terror in me as a sworn enemy of the United States and closeted caprasexual (but I repeat myself!).

Hillary Clinton: This infidel woman is often used in my homeland as an explanation of why women must be completely covered. Many suggest that ankles be excepted from the rule but were she to walk down a Bagdhad street in shorts you'd have found your weapons of mass destruction! I kid, I kid! But on a serious note, death to America.

Anyway, she has guaranteed she'd have a plan for the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq within 60 days of being inaugurated but if her execution of that plan is anything like HillaryCare I'm afraid we'd have your pesky Marines in our hair for all eternity. Don't get me wrong, we're eager to be sent to our 72 virgins but could you please have those Marines tone it back a notch. I'm running out of places to stick my falafel if you take my meaning. My chick peas don't paste themselves.

On the other hand, she does seem like a tough bitch and it seems that people that oppose her tend to have mysterious accidents and I can imagine a scenario in which Iran 'falls' and 'runs into a doorknob' because it's 'just so clumsy.' Just saying.

Terror Rating: 4/10

Barack Obama: Perhaps the Barack '08 humper sticker on my camel gives it away but I've really jumped on the Hope and Change bandwagon. He represents our favorite qualities of American society including limitless geopolitical naivety combined with an overwhelming compulsion to identify with victim class ideology. No person in American politics provides us more hope that we can change America into an Islamic theocracy without firing a shot than this yammering used-car salesman. Why, just the other day I was enjoying a post-coital cigarette in bed with my friend Billy G. and I said, "That Obama will really do what it takes to make me love America." Already he's promised to withdraw from Iraq, eviscerate the nation's military, cripple the economy with taxes and regulation while simultaneously circling the globe on his anticipated "Fellate the Dick-tator 09" tour. If he manages to open the border with Mexico and increase trade protectionism the United States will be a third world country faster than you can say "be gentle with that horn, honey." What's not to like?

Oh, we love his wife, too. We'd stone her for being uppity last.

Terror Rating: 0/10

Perspective B: An American Taxpayer Who Wishes to Be Left Alone
Well, as I fit this description perfectly, I've decided to field this one with a simple analogy.
Hillary Clinton's Presidency : Barack Obama's Presidency :: Getting Violently Fucked in the Ass :

• A) Getting Violently Fucked in the Ass


• B) Being Brutally Raped in the Ass


• C) Sitting on a Fire Hydrant


• D) Dating Ryan Seacrest

Take your pick, you're getting stitches either way.

Terror Rating: 10/10

Ask a Moron: How Important Was Syphilis In History?

This news story got me thinking:

In a comprehensive genetic study, scientists have found what they say is the strongest evidence yet linking the first European explorers of the New World to the origin of sexually transmitted syphilis.

The research, they say, supports the hypothesis that returning explorers introduced organisms leading, in probably modified forms, to the first recorded syphilis epidemic, beginning in Europe in 1493.

I'm going to go a bit off the rails here but here it is: If this is true, would it be possible to attribute the vast discrepancies between Europe and the Americas in 1493 to differences in the prevalent diseases among their leadership? Could Europe's vast dominance in art, science and technology came from more rational political leadership resulting from relatively common syphilis in one place and its nonexistent in the other? I think it is possible.

First, it seems likely that syphilis, if it existed only in the Americas, would have been very common. The limited understanding of medicine in ancient times would have provided no way to prevent the spread of sexual diseases or even understand what they were. Also, circumstantially, if the first explorers came back with it after (probably violent)limited relations with the natives, the odds of their contraction must have been quite high. (If anyone knows any

Next, let's consider the effects of long-term syphilis:

Neurological complications at this stage can be diverse. In some patients, manifestations include generalized paresis of the insane which results in personality changes, changes in emotional affect, hyperactive reflexes, and Argyll-Robertson pupil.

It is generally accepted that these personality changes are often violent or, at best, erratic and prone to seemingly insane decisions. Al Capone was famously afflicted and much of his insane, violent behavior could be at least somewhat blamed on this condition:

Records suggest an association between Capone's declining neurological condition and an increase in high-risk behaviors. Prison, criminal, media, and medical records from the National Archives and other sources were studied to identify relationships to current research data describing neurological abnormalities of prison inmates. Healthcare providers can play a critical role in identifying at-risk youths, potentially reducing the incidence of high-risk behaviors associated with both crime and infectious disease transmission.

What does this have to do with political leadership? Tons. In (pre)tribal societies it is well-documented that the leaders had more um... leeway when it came to exercising sexual options with the female tribe members. It is therefore likely that these men were at far higher risk to contract sexually transmitted diseases as they had more partners.

Consequently, If the rate of 'Al Capones' in the leadership of American tribes was higher through history than in Europe up until 1492, could that erratic leadership have contributed to the marked difference in technological and social development? I'm not saying it did. I'm not even saying it was likely. I'm just saying it is a neat thought and I'd love to see someone much smarter than me discuss the idea.

(Published under Ask A Moron even though nobody asked. Sorta like a reminder to fucking ask me something. Thanks in advance.)

Ask a Moron: Halloween Costumes

Chaika writes:

What would be the most politically-incorrect, divisive, subversive and inflammatory Halloween Costume for this year?

Well, considering your appearance only one thing comes to mind. Unfortunately, you already did that:

Muhammad is a bit of a hot head...
So how do you outdo possibly the most offensive (to a certain peaceful subsection of the population) Halloween costume ever? I don't think this Moron can but I'll toss out some suggestions (these will all be an attempt to work in that phenomenal beard):

Luciano Pavoratti's Corpse:

Now, this isn't divisive or subversive but I give it points in the politically-incorrect and inflammatory categories.

One of Hillary Clinton's Hirsute Body Parts:
This one wins in the divisive, politically incorrect and inflammatory categories but isn't particularly subversive. Obviously, with the beard you'd be implying some very interesting things about whatever body part you chose. Also, this would be quite difficult to pull off. Even if you did a good job you'd be constantly asked to explain it and would probably get kicked out of parties.

Guantanamo Prisoner(Converted to Christianity):
Here's a win! First you've got the incredibly politically incorrect conversion from a victim religion to a dominant, oppressor religion. Second, it is divisive because Guantanamo can't be discussed in polite company. Third, you are subversive because it implies that evangelism is a good weapon against terrorism. Obviously, to the right people this would be quite inflammatory as well.

The Moron has spoken.

No News, Time to Ramble

Not much in the news is really catching my interest the last week or so. That combined with a ridiculous work/school schedule (50 hours of the former, 15 credits of the latter) leaves little time in my day for dedicated blogging. But have not fear! I can still bring you page after page of my standard, low quality, moronic drivel free of charge!

Accounting

I'm taking an accounting class. I don't think I've had such a severe love/hate relationship with a subject since calculus. On the one hand, I'm very good at it and it has certain order and logic that my pattern-based brain just adores. On the other hand, I have to spend hours bent over a ledger cramping my hand around a pencil until I have a claw instead. I now know two things for certain. One, I could be an accountant if I wanted to. Second, I will never, ever want to.

Turkey

I'm not sure I have much to say about this right now until the simmer we are at finally reaches a boil. Turkey won't back down. The Kurds won't back down. The Iraqi government won't back down. The U.S. government won't back down. Well, sooner or later one of them will have to cave. Victory is, in fact, a zero sum game.

Green Bay Packers

I hate them. Work has allowed us to wear Packer's paraphenalia to work on Monday in honor of their game against the Broncos. Too bad I'd rather wear bondage gear to work than that. Of course, the rule is very strict that it must be Packer's gear and no other team. BIGOTRY!

Month Ends

I don't know that there is any more difficult and annoying process at my work than running month end reports. While I understand that legacy systems are rarely convenient to work on, it seems to me absurd that they haven't spent the 100,000 to just update their systems for once and for all. It isn't like having to run 3283 steps to complete one report is saving them any money.

The Joys of Car Ownership

While getting out of my car at work today, my foot tapped the door and two foot long spears of rust fell to the parking lot. Excellent. This hot-shot programming job had better start paying off soon or I'll be walking 44 miles to work.

Vending Machines

What the hell inspires people to make vending machines that don't return money? And if you need to design it that way, please do the world a fucking favor and remove the coin return lever? Quit being pricks.

Question of the Age

My bathtub has one of those two-state drain plugs that clicks into a sealed position and then back out into an open position. I've found that over time the rubber gasket warps and prevents the mechanism from locking shut. So here is the question: which is better? Standard plugs, two-state plugs or the very excellent plastic mat-cover thingy?

Anything you ruffians want to discuss or have me discuss? Put it in the comments and I'll write a fucking essay about it.

We'll call it, Ask a Moron!