Dear America: Everything you learned in Kindergarten is wrong.

Recently, it has become obvious that there are serious structural problems in our financial system. Of course, the cause of this mess is a string of congressional dictates to mortgage lenders ordering them to give loans to dangerously underqualified people. Apparently, requiring your applicants to meet basic requirements like having a job and a credit history is racist and the whole system is racist and you're a racist and fuck racists (you).

Anyway, what really is pissing me off is that the preening cocks that caused this mess like Obama and Dodd and Barney "I love to ram Lenin's shellacked fist up my ass" Frank are getting away with telling us that the big banks "ripped off the American people." Now, he's a politician and his job is to lie to you but I'm just a ranting internet 'personality' so I'm going to level with you.

This mess is your fault.

I'm not saying that every voter in America is directly responsible but by the election choices we've made and the financial choices a large number of us have made, we've gotten ourselves into this mess. Deep down, you know it the Democrats are feeding you a line of bullshit. You know that "the man" isn't the reason these banks are in trouble. You know that the financial institutions didn't 'rip off the American people.' In fact, it is exactly the opposite. The American people voted for socialist weasels who forced them to give money to borrowers that didn't deserve it. The American people ripped off the large banks.

This brings me to the real reason I'm pissed off. Obama is going to get away with it. Obama and his ultra-liberal allies (who fucking caused this) are going to be allowed to lie to your faces about what happened here because 40 years of hippie bullshit has finally corrupted the smart part of your brains. The part of you that accepts responsibility for your own stupidity has been overwhelmed by decades of mottos and sayings and beliefs so fucking stupid that only intellectuals and people with bong resin for blood could believe them. Well, until they were repeated so many times that even the average American believes them without thinking about it.

Fucking hippies

I'm going to go through some of the stupidest sayings we've all heard a thousand times and explain why they're fucking stupid. Then I'm going to yell at you a bit more about how we all need to accept responsibility for our selfish, stupidity and stop blaming people more successful than us for our failings. Sorry, everybody, you aren't the smartest or the fastest or the most talented and, for that reason, you don't deserve the success your betters enjoy. I know it isn't fair. Life isn't.

Money Isn't Everything

Of course it is. If you don't believe it is, you're functionally retarded. Now look, I agree, small squares of green paper with dead people printed on them aren't everything. The number in your bank account isn't everything. Being able to buy a solid-gold house or a rocket car isn't everything. But the economy is everything.

Yes, everything.

Economics is the study of how people use a limited number of resources to fulfill an unlimited demand for them. The best way humanity has ever found to disperse these items in a relatively fair way is to use money. Money is a placeholder that allows you to specialize in juggling and exchange that juggling for food. Were there no money it would be difficult to walk into a grocery store and attempt to trade your ball-handling for a sandwich. I'd call the cops.

What money represents is everything. It isn't just a way to buy things, it represents the only thing of any value in the world: your time. Every minute you work for a paycheck is represented by that number in your bank account. The very essence of your existence is stuffed haphazardly in your wallet. This is why hippie arguments that you shouldn't be so fucking upset about raising taxes because "its only money" are so retarded. It isn't only money. It is your life.

When asked if I would shoot a man who was trying to steal my TV, I say yes because that TV isn't just a thing. It is time. It is a portion of my life I can never get back and the piece of shit stealing it is so useless as a human being that he can't convert his own time into a TV without stealing mine. I say the world is better off without him. And it is better off without this ridiculous belief that money isn't important. It is crucial. It is the only thing, just like winning. Which brings me to...

It doesn't matter if you win or lose, its how you play the game.

Fuck that hippie bullshit.

I'm not saying that winning is everything in trivial pursuits like sports or rock-paper-scissors competitions but let's not get crazy and say that winning doesn't matter. Winning is obviously critical to the very nature of human interaction and life and everything else. Winning is fucking 42 and if you don't believe that, you probably suck.

Look, at some point children (and slowly developing adults) need to learn that the world isn't on your team. Karma isn't your buddy and luck isn't going to give you a reach around no matter how many times you have that slut at the casino "blow" on your "dice." The only way to succeed in life is to charge headlong into the delight that is human competition and eke out your share of the pie. Without any doubt, there is plenty to go around but if you go through life thinking you deserve something, you're going to end up a loser or bringing all of humanity down with you like these retards buying 300,000 dollar houses when they work at McDonald's.

I know competition is hard and it is depressing when you lose but...

Do What Makes You Happy

Does anyone seriously think this is a way to go through life? Are the concepts of duty and honor and sacrifice so completely dead in this country that anybody can envision a life dedicated solely to the pursuit of his own happiness? While it is clear from the recent market disruptions that the vast majority of people do not understand the consequences their actions have on others, it is even more disturbing that the few that do understand seem completely dedicated to denying it or at least dodging responsibility for it.

Of course, the hippies always were most dedicated to avoiding responsibility. They didn't want to fight for a country that gave them everything so they dodged the draft. They didn't want to study important skills society needed so they invented women's studies and sociology (for more on my desperate hatred of sociology, look at Moron Pundit.) They didn't want to deal with a reality that wasn't perfect so they spent most of their time swimming in a cloud of 'mind-expanding' chemicals. They didn't want to deal with the responsibility and challenge of relationships and family so they preached free love. In every conceivable way, the hippies were as useless as a human being can become.

And yet, prevailing conventional wisdom somehow contends that a music festival like Woodstock was socially important. Fucking ridiculous. Woodstock was one of the most amazing displays of hubris, laziness and selfish waste in history and those pieces of shit have the audacity to call Wall Street bankers selfish? Do you think the traders that killed themselves on Black Tuesday did it because they lost their own money? Only someone with no understanding of honor and duty could believe that. They jumped because they couldn't face the shame and horror of telling thousands of people that they didn't have their money.

And make no mistake, as much as I understand that the CEO's of AIG and Lehmans are rich beyond my wildest dreams, they do understand duty and responsibility. It is that understanding that makes the leader of a company like AIG go to the government and beg them to take a controlling interest in what is, by all measures, the sum total of his life out of his hands.

Of course, the people that took the loans that spurred this disaster along with the (perhaps) well-meaning politicians that forced the banks to create this environment simply don't understand how the world works. How goods and services exchange hands. How the entirety of reality actually works. If they did, they certainly wouldn't think that a poor person with a bad credit history should EVER EVER EVER get a home loan. An honest, responsible person confronted with the ability to take a loan in that circumstance would also want the bank to reject them. But for some reason, these people seem to have no knowledge of the consequences of failure to repay not only to themselves but to everyone around them. Each of these people, and to a large extent most people in the country, seem to operate as if they live in a vacuum. They make choices following this holiest of the hippie doctrines: make yourself happy. Do what you want to do. Who cares if the person that built your house doesn't get paid or the man who wants to get a loan next year can't because the mortgage company is in bankruptcy. Not you. You got your free house and fuck everyone else. Well, fuck you and fuck your stupid idiology. I'm not sure who's more useless, the person preaching this bullshit or the person that manages to believe it.

Unfortunately, we'll never have a politician that tells you how fucking selfish you are because they want you to like them. Too bad that most Americans have lost what seems to be the most important grown-up skill of all, being able to accept when they don't deserve something they want.

Free Love

I touched on this above but it deserves a little extra wrath of its own. Many debates in this country rage because of many people's retarded belief that love is what really matters in civilization. Love is great, don't get me wrong and it is clearly a driving factor in the progress of the human species but it is only useful when coupled with dedication and commitment. Debates about gay marriage, abortion and welfare are all based on a belief that the one thing we mustn't do is interfere with people's ability to love who they want how they want. Unfortunately, society is not helped in any way by love but instead the bonds of family created when love is stable and permanent.

While I don't particularly care if gays are allowed to get married or not, I know that they have consistently made a very stupid argument in its favor; namely that if two people love each other it should be allowed. I ask again, what the fuck does the government care about your love? It doesn't. It cares about a stable environment to raise healthy, productive children who in turn can create healthy, productive families of their own. Again, gay couples probably meet this criteria but they should make that argument, not the former.

This leads to the rampant use of abortion as birth control for people too in love to consider the consequences of their actions. No wonder I often consider "in love" synonomous with "asshatted." As I've lived my life, I've grown more and more sure that marriage before sex IS probably the best (if perhaps not very realistic) way to do things. Instead, people fuck who they want, get pregnant a dozen times and treat abortions like tossing a condom wrapper. I'd be far more inclined to support the 'right to choose' if the choice were made through necessity, not laziness and a desire to avoid responsibility.

Don't even get me started on the results of Johnson's destruction of the poor community by tearing apart families and making them look to their government rather than their community and family for support in times of distress. I hope he's getting buttfucked by Hitler right now.

OMG! THE MAN IS BRINGING US DOWN/ CORPORATIONS ARE EVIL/RICH PEOPLE ARE RICH BECAUSE OTHERS ARE POOR/ETC/ETC

Only someone completely separated from the world of work and jobs and society could possibly believe this. I was forced as a requirement to take a class in Voodoo (sociology) and I recall my barely qualified instructor preaching that Vice Presidents were overpaid and that she could do their job but they surely couldn't do hers. They were just rich white men making sure their underlings stayed at each other's throats so they didn't notice how stupid and lazy they are.

If you believe this, you are mentally retarded. The fact of the matter is, by and large, CEO's and VP's and other executives make so much money because they are worth it. Not only could the average VP of anything come down and teach Voodoo better than this bitch but the first week she was trying to do the "easy" job of being a VP she'd have a nervous breakdown.

The fact of the matter is, people at the top of large organizations like corporations care more about the average American and do more for society than a thousand community organizers or social workers. The people that invest or work for these corporations are constantly on the minds of most executives and they strive constantly to do the best they can for all involved. Are there exceptions? Yes, and you hear about them at length every time they get caught but notice that there are thousands of corporations with many thousands of executives and the corporation-hating media and Democratic party can only find perhaps a dozen such people per year.

Everybody Is Equal

This is so laughable as to make me wonder if people are actually intelligent creatures. When the Declaration of Independence was originally written by Adams (the greatest American that ever lived, in my opinion) it said "All men are created equally free and independent" not "all men are created equal." Adams would surely have laughed at the latter thought. While we are and of a right should be equal in the eyes of god and law, there is absolutely no way anyone intelligent can contend that we are all equal. We each have differing levels of talent and intelligence and physical prowess and for these reasons should be expected to serve very different roles in society. Subsequently, we should expect to be rewarded very differently based on the value of our abilities.

Sorry, dumb, talentless people. You aren't as valuable to society as talented geniuses. Not only is this true but it is just. Society MUST reward those that benefit society the most and value them above other people. It doesn't mean you have to obey them, but they do deserve a nicer house than you.

A little analogy: Many of you believe it is just to take wealth from those with great reserves and give it to others with less. You believe they have more than they 'deserve' even though it is clear that they (in most cases) earned it and those with less can't seem to figure out how. It doesn't matter, they have too much and others need it.

Well, what if we take the example of someone who is very good with the ladies? Should I, as a less successful person have the right to sleep with his girlfriend because he has too much and I don't have enough? What about a talented writer? Should we all get our name on the cover with equal prominence because he is just hogging up all the writing talent and others deserve some.

Of course, none of this makes any sense because we didn't write the book. And we aren't charming and attractive. And we don't deserve to have lots of money because we haven't found a way to be useful to society in a comparable way.

I know it isn't fair. We've been over this.

Violence Doesn't Solve Anything

Yes. It does. In fact, I can think of no surer way to resolve any conflict than violence. It is hard to me to even imagine a problem I have that couldn't be solved by violence. That guy hitting on your girlfriend? Kill him. Not anymore. Somebody double park you in? Break into the car and roll it into the highway. See? Problem solved.

What? These actions cause more problems than they solved? Well, that's not what you said. You said violence doesn't solve anything. A more accurate statement is "Violence is so blunt and traumatic that, while it could be used to solve any problem, it should be used sparingly and with great care." I know that doesn't really fit on a bumper sticker but nothing intelligent does. I mean, placing "you can't hug your children with nuclear arms" on your car bumper is like advertising your extra chromosome.

Anyway, I'm so tired of this "everything you need to know, you learned in kindergarten", "are you smarter than a 5th grader*" bullshit philosophy that everything in the world can be summed up in simple, broad platitudes. For people that are constantly preaching that everything is gray areas, they sure are locked into a belief structure as simple as Forrest Gump's fashion sense.

Mean Poeple Suck

Sometimes I'm pretty sure this means "honest people suck" or "people smarter than me suck." Only in the modern PC world could denying a poor person a loan be considered "mean" or even illegal.

While being rejected for a loan may seem mean, you have to learn that sometimes the correct thing for another person or organization to do is to be mean to you. I once, in my stupider younger years attempted to get a loan without any collateral to which the loan officer responded with great sarcasm and condescension. I was outraged at the time but over the years that disdain has served me well because I didn't deserve a loan. What I was asking was essentially an insult to him and his institution. To think that they should just give me money and expect to be treated as an adult was ridiculous considering I'd walked in a proved I wasn't one.

In the end, people who whine about mean people suck. Put that on your bumper.

* I am smarter than a fifth grader. Way smarter. Only in modern America could a child knowing that a furlong is 660 feet be confused with superior intelligence. For example, I know how to drive a car which, last I checked, is far more valuable knowledge than the intricacies of the English measurement system. The idea for the show is cute but the title returns to that most annoying of trends in which people delight in explaining how things aren't like they obviously are. Oh no, running is actually bad for you! SURPRISE! You'd think that a decrease in violence in Iraq was due to.. um... less violence but a study conducted THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY about something completely unrelated like light patterns in Baghdad PROVE that is isn't! Think 9/11 was done by terrorists? THINK AGAIN SIMPLETON! Chimpy Retardiburton McBushitler orchestrated the most ingenious, diabolical attack on America without leaving behind ANY EVIDENCE! Oh my fucking god! Throw aside your preconceptions! We're in a zany, wacky world where anything is possible and the only people that toe the company line are brainless dinosaurs who hate black people and yearn for a return to the days of wife-beating and TB wards.

Fuck off. I'm smarter than a fifth grader. Smoking pot is bad for you. Alexthechick is hot even though she's on the internet and filled with irrational fears.

Deal with it.

They Can't Protect You

They can only come along behind and pick up the pieces. Next time you think you don't need to be able to defend yourself, remember Brittany Zimmerman:

A 911 call from a murdered college student's cell phone featured sounds that should have been significant to a 911 operator, but they were not heard by the dispatcher during the call, Dane County's top official said Tuesday.

County Executive Kathleen Falk apologized for errors in how the call was managed, but said even if it had been handled correctly, it probably would not have saved Brittany Sue Zimmermann's life on April 2.

"From what I know, I do not believe that had the errors not occurred in the 911 center, that her murder could have been prevented," she said.

Hey, fuck you, bitch. Add this to the list of a billion reasons I can't fucking stand government employees. Can you imagine a more callous response to someone dying by your mistake than "well, it wouldn't have saved her anyway."

That's not the fucking point and we pay her salary to know that. Maybe she should, just a little, like... I don't know... care what happens to the citizens she is responsible for protecting. Her department fucked up and a young person is dead.

Fucking own it, you piece of shit.

I'm buying another gun.

The Dire State of Liberal Education

I have a friend.

After serving a full term in the United States Marine Corps including service in Iraq, this friend returned to a local college and immediately ran for class president. He won. Putting aside the comical assertion by his opponent that a semester in the senate counted as 'more experience' than raising to the rank of Sergeant in the middle of a war, the voters of the college elected him by a solid majority as well as a dominant selection of his chosen senators.

The government was his. Just like that.

Yesterday he approached me about modifying the constitution of his college seeking my advice as to what changes should be made. I reviewed the document and found it, by and large, to be a boilerplate clone of the U.S. version. The only major deviance was a U.N. style requirement that a large number (though not majority) of the senate seats be held by individuals elected by "major status" organizations on campus. To be a "major status" organization, a club must get support from the student government and must, in its constitution, put forth goals that help the entirety of the student body.

Several of the organizations fall clearly into this category such as the student paper, the radio station, and the student activities committee. The rest of them are what can only be termed special interest, group politics style organizations which represent one or another 'victim' class on the campus.

One of the major things my friend wants to change about the Constitution is categorizing these "major status" special interest clubs into one group that only gets one voting senator automatically. He asked me what I would consider to be the best way to do this and I, to my shame, had to suggest he do no such thing.

I couldn't suggest he do it because I couldn't erase the image of the impending witch hunt. I couldn't find terms to explain to my friend who had just spent the last 6 years of his life as a member of the most meritocratic organization on the face of the earth that liberal arts colleges long ago ceased being engines of human improvement and were now massive liberal echo chambers.

I couldn't suggest he do it because I didn't want to be responsible for the impeachment proceedings in which he was called a racist or bigot because he believed that, while diversity was important, a group who's name creates a discriminatory atmosphere in any direction can't possibly benefit the 'entire student body.'

It is such unmitigated horseshit that a man who's had to defend his experience against a snot-nosed college kid would have to then be dragged over the coals b by these naive, sheltered, indoctrinated children.

It makes me wonder who would even want to pursue a liberal arts degree anymore. Seriously, what good is a sociology major in the real world. More precisely, what improvement over a High School degree does that person have?

I have no doubt that in nearly every case an individual who has served a term in the military is far more capable of handling a non-specialized job than someone that has completed a liberal arts degree. In reality, these men and women should simply be granted a bachelor's degree upon completing their tour. I surely would rather have the average PFC from the Marine Corps working with me than someone who majored in Women's Studies.

I thought that his description of children was less an S&M thing than...

was all I heard of the conversation before I was out of reach and certainly more than I wanted to hear. I would say that they were just talking about something private but the tenor of their speech and body language made it clear that they were discussing a recently attended class.

There is no conceivable situation in any environment of higher learning in which that statement should be uttered.

Ever.

None.

It is a disgusting and offensive thought that not only do our tax dollars fund the operations of this institution but also give the students a $5,000,000 stipend to spend as they wish while teaching students about S&M and children (no, I seriously don't give a fuck what the context was).

What is funny is that he routinely asks me to come back to school to help him win these fights in student government and change the system. Sadly, I feel I lack the energy to do so. A daughter and two jobs takes a lot of juice out of my My only suggestion at this point is to use that money to help pay each student's tuition for the year. Five million would go a long way among a small student body such as theirs.

So really, am I right to wave him off of this dangerous course or has the dire state of liberal education bid us remember the words Don Juan's words before Lepanto:

Gentlemen, the time for counsel is past and the time for fighting has come.

I Hope You Don't Notice How Often I Change My Tune

I have only been watching politics seriously for little more than a decade but I still have to move Obama ahead of Bill Clinton on the list of opportunistic, poll-driven, snake-oil salesmen politicians.

Dude, holy fucking shit:

Barack Obama, declaring “that’s enough,” denounced Tuesday as “appalling” and “ridiculous” comments made in the last few days by his former pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr.

In a press conference in North Carolina, the Illinois senator used his strongest language to date to condemn Wright’s controversial sermons, which have remained a burden to his campaign since they became national news more than a month ago. Wright spoke Monday at The National Press Club in Washington, D.C.

“I am outraged by the comments that were made, and saddened over the spectacle that we saw yesterday,” Obama said.

“The person I saw yesterday was not the person that I met 20 years ago. His comments were not only divisive and destructive, but I believe they ended up giving comfort to those who prey on hate,” he said.

But I THOUGHT:

In my first book, Dreams From My Father, I described the experience of my first service at Trinity:

"People began to shout, to rise from their seats and clap and cry out, a forceful wind carrying the reverend's voice up into the rafters....And in that single note - hope! - I heard something else; at the foot of that cross, inside the thousands of churches across the city, I imagined the stories of ordinary black people merging with the stories of David and Goliath, Moses and Pharaoh, the Christians in the lion's den, Ezekiel's field of dry bones. Those stories - of survival, and freedom, and hope - became our story, my story; the blood that had spilled was our blood, the tears our tears; until this black church, on this bright day, seemed once more a vessel carrying the story of a people into future generations and into a larger world. Our trials and triumphs became at once unique and universal, black and more than black; in chronicling our journey, the stories and songs gave us a means to reclaim memories that we didn't need to feel shame about...memories that all people might study and cherish - and with which we could start to rebuild."

That has been my experience at Trinity. Like other predominantly black churches across the country, Trinity embodies the black community in its entirety - the doctor and the welfare mom, the model student and the former gang-banger. Like other black churches, Trinity's services are full of raucous laughter and sometimes bawdy humor. They are full of dancing, clapping, screaming and shouting that may seem jarring to the untrained ear. The church contains in full the kindness and cruelty, the fierce intelligence and the shocking ignorance, the struggles and successes, the love and yes, the bitterness and bias that make up the black experience in America.

And this helps explain, perhaps, my relationship with Reverend Wright. As imperfect as he may be, he has been like family to me. He strengthened my faith, officiated my wedding, and baptized my children. Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about any ethnic group in derogatory terms, or treat whites with whom he interacted with anything but courtesy and respect. He contains within him the contradictions - the good and the bad - of the community that he has served diligently for so many years.

I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown him than I can my white grandmother - a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe.

So let me get this straight. The endless parade of racist, anti-American, conspiracy-laden soundbites that were available on DVD and spouted EVERY OTHER WEEK in his fucking church weren't enough but now that he's said the same things at a press conference, that's beyond the pale?

Give me a fucking break.

Describe to me exactly the type of person who's twenty-year spiritual mentor marries him to his socialist wife, baptizes his children but doesn't notice that his mentor is a racist, anti-American lunatic. Not a closeted, ashamed racist, anti-American lunatic but the kind that openly professes his hatred and conspiracy theories in public at least twice a month! Describe the type of person who sees a man as family but doesn't know his beliefs in any way.

Would the words dipshit or retard be in the description? How about braindead commie fuck? Asshat enthusiast?

Of course, the media is completely buying it and we shall hear no more about it but even if this story was over, we'd still be eagerly awaiting the explanations for Obamas myriad associations with unrepentant terrorists and communists.

Oh, and way to throw your spiritual mentor under the bus along with your grandmother. I hope she doesn't mind being run over in such close proximity to one of those scary darkies. No wonder Wright is so pissed. I'd feel pretty fucking betrayed too.

Fuck you, Obama. Your shills in the media may be buying your horseshit but I'm not. It's too bad, too. At one point I'd have defended you as, at least, an honest, well-meaning guy.

Now I know the truth; You're just another dirty, opportunistic, Illinois machine politician. I can't wait until you go to prison.

Two-Bit Fucknugget Thinks He's Three-Bit FuckNugget

Oh no you don't you cockless shitstain:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez may sign a contract for four Russian diesel submarines on a visit to Moscow next month, the Kommersant daily has reported, citing unidentified officials.

Chavez has been invited to the May inauguration of Dmitry Medvedev as Russian president.

If he takes up the invitation, the Venezuelan leader may use the opportunity to sign a contract to buy four Kilo-class diesel submarines agreed to at the start of this year, the paper said.

Kommersant said the submarine contract, worth about $1 billion ($1.27 billion), had been set to be signed in February.

Venezuela is seeking a loan of about $800 million ($1.02 billion) from a Russian bank, probably from Russia's official debt agent, Vneshekonombank, for some of the arms purchases, the paper said, adding that the loan had yet to be agreed.

Officials at Venezuela's Moscow embassy were not immediately available for comment on the report. A spokesman for Russia's state arms exporter could not be reached for comment and the foreign ministry declined to comment.

The paper said Venezuela also wants to buy 12 Ilyushin Il-76 military transport aircraft while Russia is interested in selling Caracas its new generation Sukhoi Su-35 fighters, which are still being tested.

Two things you little cocksucker.

One, it is about fucking time you realized there's only room for one enormous set of balls in this hemisphere so if you'd like your little raisins to see the sun you may want to relocate your socialist shithole somewhere more amenable like the Korean peninsula.

Second, I hope you and your slaves citizens enjoy spending all that grocery money on high tech death toys only to get froggy one day and have the Righteous Yankee Fist of Doom come a-fuckin' on through. You'll be sitting there explaining how submarines are supposed to be underwater to people who live in the reality that they are filled with water. I'd say you'd feel stupid but if being an unapologetic commie doesn't get you there, I'm pretty sure being on the receiving end of the most one-sided war since the Wehrmacht kicked a puppy wont' do it either.

Next time you come to visit the United Nations we catapult your commie ass into the side of the building at close range.

Hell, we should sell tickets.


Ya, esta adentro, papi?

Joe Biden (D-Chodeslapistan): What's A Billion Dollars Between Friends?

That's how much federal money he wants to spend to monitor Peer-To-Peer networks for illegal activity:

A prominent Senate Democrat on Wednesday said federal and local police should use custom software to monitor peer-to-peer networks for illegal activity, and he wants to spend $1 billion in tax dollars to help make that happen.

At an afternoon Senate Judiciary subcommittee hearing about child exploitation on the Internet, Sen. Joe Biden (D-Del.) said he was under the impression it's "pretty easy to pick out the person engaged in either transmitting or downloading violent scenes of rape, molestation" simply by looking at file names. He urged use of those techniques by investigators to help nab the most egregious offenders.

Things that are easy always cost a billion dollars. You know, like Joe Biden's mom! Hi-oh! (Actually, she was like tree-fitty - Ed.)

So, how are they going to implement this?

Waters describes the system as a "comprehensive computer infrastructure," housed in Wyoming, that grants law enforcement officers a "big picture" of what sort of child pornography file transfers are going on across the country. It's able to help investigators conduct undercover operations involving peer-to-peer file-sharing applications, chat rooms, Web sites, and mobile telephones, Waters said.

Well, I'm sold. I can't even imagine a way in which this system could be used to invade privacy or nab offenders for a thousand other crimes that fall far short of the severity he's discussing here. I mean, when has the government ever taken a specifically granted power and abused it?

I'm all for brutally murdering every child pornographer, rapist and abuser in the world, don't get me wrong, but giving the government a huge infrastructure to monitor your web-use seems like maybe it might backfire in the future.

I could be wrong. Seriously, who else would even be interested in that information? Nobody.

Dear Mac Users

Put this in your fucking pipe and smoke it:

The security researcher who walked away with $10,000 yesterday by hacking a MacBook Air in less than two minutes said he chose to attack Apple Inc.'s operating system for one simple reason.

"It was the easiest one of the three[OS X, Ubuntu, Windows Vista -ed]," said Charlie Miller, a principal analyst with Independent Security Evaluators (ISE), a Baltimore-based security consultancy. "We wanted to spend as little time as possible coming up with an exploit, so we picked Mac OS X."

I can't believe a barely-modified version of vanilla Unix isn't the most secure operating system on the planet! I just CAN'T. FUCKING. BELIEVE. that Steve Jobs' divine mandate allowed something like this to happen. Doesn't the ambrosia that is his rabid spittle so curative as to make all electronics he masticates immune to such mortal hacking! STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES!

God, I hate The Macolic Church. I want a computer, not an iron-fisted overlord.

P.S.: Obligatory.

The Politics of Bullshit

Obama would have left the church has Wright not retired:

Sen. Barack Obama says in an interview scheduled to air on TV Friday that he would have left his church if his pastor had not retired and had not acknowledged making comments that "deeply offended people."

So the man spews racist, anti-American vitriol for 20 years but something he said in the last six months finally pushed Barack over the edge? Finally, words came out that were just over the line.

If this didn't get you out of your seat(not to cheer, you socialist fucktard), I'd really like to see what does cross this line:

Remember that the rubble of the twin towers were still smoldering when he said this. Thousands of American corpses were still buried in the mangled debris. The streets of Manhattan were still grey with the ash of a million shattered dreams.

And this man is celebrating with a public orgasm.

But somehow that wasn't enough to quit the church. What could have caused this change in the last six months? What could Wright have said or done that he hadn't done in the previous decades?

Surely political expediency has nothing to do with it. Clearly not that.

Politics of hope, my ass. It's just standard politics of bullshit.

You Are Entitled to Bankruptcy

I love just looking at numbers like $53 Trillion. It really keeps you regular:

Let me give you three numbers that will put this economic asteroid into perspective: $200 billion, $14.1 trillion, and $53 trillion.

• $200 billion is the approximate total amount of write-downs announced so far as a result of the current credit crisis.


• $14.1 trillion is the size of the entire U.S. economy


• And $53 trillion is (drum roll please) the approximate size of this country's bill for the Social Security and Medicare promises we've made.

While no one will ever mistake me for Alan Greenspan, it seems to me that the third number is quite a bit larger than the other two. It also seems very few people care.

Am I the only person who's basic reaction is "holy fucking shit?" Seriously, how devastating does the impending crisis have to be before we take a serious look at it? The thing that infuriates me most is the demagogic retardity of the opposition to privatization of Social Security (or any other common-sense response). They haven't proffered one good motherfucking reason for not doing it except that volunteers for the program may invest so poorly as to defy decades of reliable growth in the stock market.

Boo-fucking-hoo.

Life is full of ridiculous risks and I'm sick and fucking tired of being told which ones are government approved. It's my money and I'll donate it to the U.N. if I want to (I can't think of a bigger waste of money off the top of my head). If this results in me being a penniless geezer, so fucking be it. I never asked you to take care of me and I'd thank you to stop worrying about my retirement. That is and always has been my responsibility; all of our own responsibilities.

What I do know is that this problem isn't going away and when it comes to a head I strongly suspect the liberal shit-sniffers that won't let us privatize it are really not going to like the concensus solution.

It won't be more taxes.

The Word Service Needs Scare Quotes

One of my major pet peeves at Coyote Blog:

Once you have collected all my information via an automated system, it is just going to piss me off when your human operator picks up the line and proceeds to ask me for this same information again. I know this seems to be the current industry standard, as practiced by every company from Citibank to Domino's Pizza, but I can assure you it is incredibly annoying and, perhaps worse for you, introduces me to your organization with the initial impression that you do not know what you are doing. So, either find a way to put the information you have gathered up on the customer service agent's screen, or don't have an automated system gather it.

My average experience starts with that but then after I select "Billing Concerns" and bring my billing concern to the Indian lady's attention (after repeating all my data) she regretfully informs me that I have to call a different number.

10: A number that asks for all my personal data again after a massive menu tree.

20: A number that passes me to another Indian lady who asks for all my personal data.

30: An Indian lady that once again informs me she can't help me.

40: Goto 10

This is why I do almost all of my service through the internet if I can.

In Which I Argue for the Abolition of Accounting Homework*

I'm not sure how humanity endured the standard accounting process before the invention of computers but now I understand why going off to World War II didn't phase the greatest generation. Credits, debits, payables, promissory notes, taxes, payroll, assets, contra-assets, contra-liabilities, equity, the list never stops. Its like a clusterfuck of mind-rape in a book I'd rather crack my skull with than crack open.

So, the Moron Pundit is a tired, useless moron today and may persist in this state until one of the following happens:

• Complete Mental Breakdown - While it seems horrifying on its surface, I can't deny a certain appeal in the idea. Certainly, I would fail at school and work and probably end up in an institution but would it really be so bad to just lay in a padded room and be brought food three times per day? Compared to accounting it sounds magical.


• I Join the Circus - Have you ever yearned to feel the wind in your hair as your miniature motorcycle reaches 40 miles per hour inside a sphere cage filled with fire? Have you ever taken accounting? I'd rather butter up and jump in a lion's mouth than calculate one more social security withholding.


• The Semester Ends - December 17th. Oh, glorious day! Oh wonderment and rapture! My academic career culminates on that blessed day and there will be a party and not just any party. I fully intend to drink until I can't feel feelings.

Until one of those things happens, posting here may be light from time to time. I'm just too busy to promise any quantity of material here. I can, however, guarantee the quality. I will always deliver the full-on moronic quality you've come to know and love. You have my word.

*-Of course the post title is very Pejmanesque.

Drowning in a Sea of IBM

Man, if these IBM Products don't stop "Just Working" sometime soon I think I might start "just pouring water" all over the motherboard.

I swear, for software with this perfect a reputation, they sure can't write Windows code, which is funny because they constantly deride Microsoft as being simplistic and moron-code. Well, if morons can do it and IBM can't, what does that say?

Seriously, an install program should, you know, install the software and not hang interminably during the process. Also, if you check the "make update uninstallable" box you should probably be afforded some method with which to uninstall the fucking software.

What it should not do is make the entirety of the remaining software useless while simultaneously disallowing a complete fresh installation. That would be a bad programming decision.

In closing, Big Blue can Below Me.

Cutesy Questions

When did asking a politician a yes or no question become 'cutesy?:'

“I had the feeling that at the end of that last debate we were about to get into cutesy land again,” [Bill]Clinton told some 3,000 members of the American Postal Worker’s Union at a convention.

[...]

“It’s fine for Hillary and all the other Democrats to discuss Governor Spitzer’s plan. But not in 30 seconds — yes, no, raise your hand,” he said.

Forgive me if I lack nuance but isn't the very purpose of a debate to determine in which manner a politician would vote on any given issue? Isn't a yes or no answer precisely what we want and deserve?

When sitting with my friends debating it is rarely that simple as we get into the meat of an issue. There are so many angles of attack you use when trying to find your opinion and while this particular issue would be an easy 'no' for me there are many that I would need more than thirty seconds to explain and end up with 'I don't know' as my answer. That's fine for a moron rube like me.

But I'm not a politician. I'm a moron. Hillary Clinton is running for President of the United States. Isn't it the very job description of a politician to make yes or no decisions on policy? I know this may be simplistic but doesn't voting on a bill basically reduce that issue to a yes or no (wide) stance? Isn't deciding to veto a bill a yes or no position? Is it too much to ask that a politician be asked these simple fucking questions during debates and that they then in turn provide a simple fucking answer? Aren't we owed that? Can't we ask a simple fucking question without Billy Jeff taking time off from banging whores in South Beach to bite his lip and wag his finger at us?

I guess I just have this zany expectation that a politician running for the most powerful position in the world, someone who spends every waking hour preparing and planning for that election, would have spent the time to iron out something as basic as whether illegal immigrants should be given official state documents. Furthermore I expect to not be lectured by a philandering bullshit artist who can't keep his pants because I have the audacity to demand a clear answer to a question a four year old could answer.

Call me crazy.

Irantarctica

Ahmadinejad says the Zionist Entity should be relocated to Alaska or Canada. On first blush, it seems like just another staggeringly racist, hate-filled recommendation broadcasting the stated desire of Iran's leadership to completely destroy Israel and finish what Hitler started.

But let's not jump to conclusions. I think the odious nature of the statement obscures a massive opportunity in this suggestion. Once the Israelis are out, we can really start nuking. I mean, really saturation nuke the bastards. Think about it. We could just hurl missile after fucking missile into the zone without worrying that our allies in Israel would be horribly irradiated.

What? The Saudis are our allies? Iraq too? Well, maybe we can just move them to Canada, too. Hell, why not solve every international problem by relocating the inhabitants to some frigid wasteland half way around the world.

Wait a minute. I think I'm on to something. Instead of moving the Israelis off their tiny, historical homeland, why don't we relocate the rest of the Middle East to Antarctica. There they can frollick and suicide bomb and chant 'Death to America' to their heart's content without being irritated by the presence of a few million jews a thousand miles away. Win freakin' win.

I await my Nobel Peace Prize.

20% Fucktards

So only 20% of the Democrats think the world would be better off if America lost in Iraq. Well, I guess we're all fine and dandy.

I think I need to start commissioning my own polls. Here's one for you. What percentage of Americans think the world would be better off if all of the previously named Democrats were packed up and mailed to Iraq so they could personally explain their position to the people most effected by their retarded world view.

Seriously, in what patchouli-induced fantasy world does it improve anything when America gets sent packing by a bunch of medeivalist homo-murderers? I can only imagine that their belief is somehow rooted in my favorite of all liberal masochism fantasies; that America is constantly overstepping its authority and deserves some comeuppance.

This leads me back to the hands-down most inane political argument of the 21st century. That whole "just because I never do or say anything patriotic and, in fact, often display measurable excitement at the failures of my country doesn't mean you have the right to question my patriotism" argument. As Jeff Goldstein has often discussed, the left's obsession with gray areas has allowed them to muddy the meaning of words so far that they lack any meaning or depth at all. Patriotism's meaning has been dumbed down to imply anything I insist is patriotic instead of some benchmark of behavior. I mean, they somehow manage to claim patriotic motives while simultaneously deriding any statement or behavior that might, maybe, somehow demonstrate a mild preference for the United States over, say, a country that wants do destroy us.

I mean, I've heard the statement, "the American flag should never be worn or displayed as clothing" while simultaneously implying that it is not only acceptable but desirable for Mexicans or Africans to display colors of countries from which they don't even originate!

I'm just so fucking fed up with this pomo, transnational, we are the world view that doesn't allow people to make such basic judgements as deciding a pluralistic, free country is superior to one that routinely executes non-existent gays as a matter of national policy. Has it really gotten so bad in academia that I have to hear people equivocating sheepishly whenever the topic of national pride is broached?

If 20% of any political party in good standing yearns for America's defeat and humiliation, I dare say it has. And if a party comprised of such worthless Quislings can command the support to control both houses of congress and soon the Presidency, I have nothing but dread for the future.

Exit Question: When did it stop being fashionable to be on one's own team?

(Hat Tip: Dan Collins)

Massasomethingorother

All right Massachoosets. You were off to a good start with that Tea Party and I really appreciated that coddling of nacent liberty bit but ever since those Kennedys moved in you've started to get on my nerves.

First of all, this name has got to go. I have enough trouble in life without having to fucking google massachu and have the correct spelling revealed like sacred mana. Take a clue from all those nifty dot-com companies and come up with something snappy for the 21st century.

Here, I'll help.

(Cue important sounding top-ten list music)

Top Ten Four Suggest Names For Massawhatever:

1. Boston - Let's face it, that's all you've got. I mean, if you are in Mass but not in Boston you're actually in Connecticut. Don't kid yourself.
2. Belichick Land - I'm pretty sure Belichick could walk into any house in the state, shit on the floor and light the place on fire and the owner would be on the news screaming "Did you see Billy Boy use my dooryard as a hoppah. What a wicked pissah!"
3. United Mass. Socialist Republic (UMSR) - This works because nobody has to spell Massachusetts or even know what the fuck the 'M' stands for.
4. Kingdom Of Kennedy - I'm not sure what severe mental damage prevents you from voting this guy out of office but I'm sure its not related to your ridiculous belief that the Red Sox are important or good. Totally unrelated.

Okay, so I don't have 10. Give me a fucking break. I work for a living. Besides, all I really wanted to do was get some hate mail. I mean, after having 'pundit' in the title of your blog, pissing off moderately large and mouthy demographics is the best thing you can do. Trust me, I know these things.

Anyway, if you're so smart and talented why don't you put your money where your mouth is and leave it in the comments.

Precursor To Major Apple Hatefest

I don't have time to unleash my massive Apple hatefest tonight but let this link suffice for the time being. If you don't think this is funny, you are either a hopeless Mac fanboy (douchebag) or some type of android. (If you are an android, I'll help you conquer the humans if I can have Australia.)

Anyway, read this:

When the iPhone was first announced, CEO Steve Jobs spewed enough BS to cover a football field full of babies 3 feet deep in bullshit, which sounds cool because he could have potentially murdered a football field full of babies, but he passed on this opportunity by introducing the phone instead. He claimed that the phone was three devices in one: an iPod, a phone, and an "Internet communications device." Oooh, an Internet communications device?! AWESOME!

Seriously. Read everything on there. He even has some wonderful posts where he shits all over those Truther morons.

I love this guy.

Update: By the way, he endorses the genocide of blogs. (Not bloggers... I think.) I strive to have a blog worthy of this hatred.