As an official celebrity, I know my endorsement has just made your mind up for you, even though I'm known to be full of hot air. Get it? You fucking get that? I'm a fucking BALL. AND FUCKING SELF-DEPRECATING!
Fuck it, never mind. It's not funny if you have to explain it.
Anyway, I'm endorsing Hillary Clinton for President in 2008. One of the reasons I feel comfortable with her as President of the United States is that she has no history of being orally aggressive with balls. As we all know, I was rather seriously abused by Tom Hanks on a desert island before he went on to play with his own balls for a while on a recent YouTube video.
A guest spot from international superstar Hooch
I may eagerly eat my own puke and shake hands by sniffing ass but I know I want Ron Paul to be the next President of the United States.
Why?
We have a similar philosophy on drooling and chewing on furniture.
I know this is old but I just can't get over how fucking deliciousthis story is. It reminds me that the Federal government isn't just a faceless amalgamation of witless bureaucrats but also, from time to time, is staffed with magnificent bastards.
For those of you that don't know, magnificent bastards are total cockfaces that live to infuriate others but do it in such an amusing and poetic manner that you have to smile. Here's one of my favorite examples:
We all know the story but here's a recap:
Mr. Snipes, who was convicted in February, received one year for each count, to be served consecutively, and an additional year of probation. The sentence was handed down by Judge William Terrell Hodges of Federal District Court.
Mr. Snipes, who apologized for his actions before the sentence was announced, showed no immediate reaction to the verdict.
Judge Hodges allowed Mr. Snipes and a co-defendant, Douglas Rosile, to remain free on bond until they were summoned by either the United States Marshals Service or the Federal Bureau of Prisons.
The sentencing came at the end of a daylong hearing in which lawyers for Mr. Snipes argued for leniency while federal prosecutors sought the maximum penalty possible.
The case was the most prominent tax prosecution since the billionaire hotelier Leona Helmsley was convicted of tax fraud in 1989. Mr. Snipes, who has built a worldwide following acting in films like the “Blade” vampire trilogy, must pay up to $17 million in back taxes plus penalties and interest.
Now, my favorite part of this story is that Wesley Snipes attempted to earn leniency by paying off a portion of his debt:
Mr. Snipes even tried to make a down payment on his taxes before sentencing; his legal team offered Judge Hodges three checks totaling $5 million.
Judge Hodges refused the checks, saying he did not have the authority to accept them. Prosecutors also declined to accept the checks. An Internal Revenue Service employee eventually accepted the checks on behalf of the Treasury Department.
I love it. He tries to buy them off and at first the government acts like itself, retarded and incapable of making a decision. Then, some overachiever (by Fed standards) realized that the motherfucker had to pay them the money anyway and that his paying in no way mitigated the crime he had committed. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he has a private word with his attorneys.
The judge gets a good jab in, too:
Mr. Snipes’s legal team also questioned the validity of federal sentencing guidelines. At one point, one of his lawyers, Carmen Hernandez, described herself as “an expert on sentencing.”
Judge Hodges replied, “If I may be so bold, I’ve also had some experience with that.”
Heh.
Now, I was upset I didn't get a chance to post this until today but I'm glad I waited because we now have definitive proof that Snipes could have played the insane card. He wants to serve his term in New Fucking Jersey.
After today's sexual healing with Hamas, I've decided it's time to take a photo-journey down memory lane to examine the egregious record set by our 39th President.
Meteors have shitty timing.
Put 'er there, pal!
Photographers were not invited to the imminent fellatio.
It's not just old-school dictators.
I honestly have nothing to say about this.
Can't forget this delightful moment when reality takes the old douchebag by surprise.
I am pretty sure that I have never seen anything that even approaches this level of stupidity from a candidate in all the years I've been watching the division of showbiz known as politics.
While we don't have video of the event, we do have this picture taken just before Obama gave the speech.
Nearly thirty years ago, a bunch of uneducated musicians got together to cripple the advancement of nuclear power in the United States. Recently they went to a fundraiser for Barbara Boxer in California in the company of Al Gore. Much was made of their desire to eliminate greenhouse gas emissions. As Hugh Hewitt and James Lileks discussed, surely they'd come around on nuclear power. Not so:
In 1979, we helped organize five nights of concerts at Madison Square Garden and an anti-nuke rally that drew 200,000 people. These efforts and the ongoing work of many grassroots and national safe energy groups have helped to hold off the building of new nuclear reactors ever since.
But three decades later, we're facing the same nuclear issues. And to counter this threat, we are organizing once again.
Clearly the only solution to global warming is to completely hamstring global economies. I guess what they say is true; you can't teach an old communist new tricks.
