Marriage

I've noticed that Ace has weighed in on the article I parodied earlier:

It is true men are lazier about housework. This isn't fair, I guess, but there is a mitigating factor: We don't give a shit about cleanliness. Or, to be more nuanced than that, we do care about a de minimis level of basic suitability for human habitation but beyond that it's just gravy. Sometimes literally gravy, like on the floor, hardened into an attractive dollop of animal fat that makes for instant conversation starter.

Men and women simply have differing opinions as to what constitutes "clean enough." Quite frankly, doing half of what you ask in this regard is already quite a compromise, because, honestly, It looks fine to us, honey.

No, we're not just saying that. We mean that. It looks fine to us, honey.

He goes on and all of it, every word, is true. Men, if distributed on a bell curve alongside women, have a significantly larger tolerance for mess and disorder. Often something will be described as disgusting and I honestly didn't even notice it until it was pointed out. This, of course, comes with the disclaimer that I'm a person who once had to be told the color of his house (blue, by the way).

This cleanliness discussion (as amusing/divisive as it is) completely misses the point, however. The important point is civility and respect in a relationship. Men will always avoid marriage if they feel that the woman thinks of a husband as a child to be trained and controlled. Similarly, women are surely wary of dealing with any man that carries the attitudes described in my earlier post. No healthy marriage could possibly be based on either perception.

Ladies, if you want your husband to do more around the house perhaps talking to him in a calm and respectful manner might get better results than withholding sex or yelling at him.

Gentlemen, we have to be honest with ourselves on this one. We clean the sink or toilet mostly because it makes our significant other happy. You know when you were single that toilet didn't get cleaned every week. Thing is, I just don't see that as a problem. One of the beautiful things about love is the willingness to sacrifice time and effort for only the happiness of another.

The problem occurs when something like having sex is compared to doing dishes implying it is a unwanted chore and not a mutually enjoyed aspect of the relationship. This is where a man begins to doubt the value of the arrangement.

Bottom line: If we all talk to each other like adults and equals none of this shit matters. The man will clean the toilet because he loves his wife and she'll mow the lawn because she loves him. Or whatever.

Now, how do I make this post offensive? Oh yeah:

Why Women Don't Put Out*

I must admit that my wife puts out more than many women, but here's another news flash: It isn't because she's a fabulously horny human being. Left to her own devices, she would doubtless park her bon-bon bloated ass on the couch and watch the Lifetime Movie Network like some sitcom "ugly best friend." The reason Jenny "puts out" as much as she does (an offensive terminology that itself suggests who's really into our physical relationship) is simple: She doesn't have a choice.

…So how have I accomplished this? By holding my wife's feet to the fire every single day of our lives, of course.

Yes, dear readers, it's true: Maintaining some semblance of sexual activity in your marriage requires you to deploy the same kinds of nasty tactics you swore you would never stoop to as a parent but nonetheless found yourself using the minute you actually had a kid. Bribery and beating work; so do yelling and bullying. Threats are also effective, as long as everyone knows you mean business (a convenient 'fall down the stairs' always works). With wives, throwing things, pushing her around and body blows are particularly useful, as is telling her you only do it because you love her after the aforementioned.

… When my wife has lingered too long over her Cosmo magazine and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the three weeks we've gone without sex, I slap it out of her hand and let her know what's going to happen. "A husband has a right to sex," I say in a tone of voice that brooks no equivocation. She may struggle and squirm, but the job gets done. It's okay that I have to do most of the work.

…in my experience wives are a lot like children. They will get away with whatever they can get away with. When you put your foot down and make it clear that you won't take no for an answer, somehow the balls get licked and the dinner cooked and the babies cared for. It really does work, I promise.

* In case you think I'm an evil prick, this is satire inspired by this article found by Rachel Lucas.

Update: More here.

Update: Lucaslanche! Sweeeet. All of you wonderful readers (and I know she's got the best) take a look around if you have a moment. The video in this post deserves some exposure. It gives a shocking image of what we must avoid in Iraq.

Paid Writer Writes Things, Gets Paid

This is what happens when, instead of having a thought and turning into words, you start needing words and desperately search for a thought:

Some people base their vote on an ideological laundry list. Other people vote for or against a candidate because of emotional attachment to a single issue — gun control, abortion rights, opposition to war. Some even admit it. But don't expect to hear many people in 2008 say they're voting for (or against) Clinton or Obama for the simple reason that one is a woman or the other is black.

[...]

So back to the question: Should people vote for Clinton because she's a woman or Obama because he's black? Of course they should.

And I should practice what I preach. Both Clinton and Obama are too liberal for an extreme moderate like me, so there has to be a reason that trumps ideology. In Clinton's, I can see one.

I'm prepared to vote for her because I'd like for my daughters to see a woman president in my lifetime. Lord knows how long it will be before another female candidate rises to the top.

Apparently that search ended in failure.

Let me try to sum up this opinion. Even if I do not agree with the politics, or even like a politician, I should vote for them because they are of a particular race or gender?

This is the most asanine bullshit I've ever read. It isn't that I find the opinion odious so much as without any intellectual merit. He claims to be a moderate and yet would vote for Hillary to show his children a role-model? Hillary is a dogged socialist who cynically stays with a politically popular husband in order to get near the only thing that she truly loves; power. Voting for her because she's a woman will only teach his daughters that being female is more important than any action they take while providing a role model that has set back feminism more than any other woman in the last 20 years.

Pathetic.