Friday, May 16, 2008

You Want Audacity? I Got Your Audacity Right Here*

For these fucking balls are metallic and produce an overwhelming gravitational pull:

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has issued a new directive that seeks to protect information from "telephones, text messaging devices and pagers" from public disclosure under the Freedom of Information Act. But the Free Press says city officials and legal observers don't think the new policy will stand up in court.

Because he has a deep and unflinching dedication to personal privacy, even at the work place?  Fuck no!  Because the text messages sent on his fucking work phone are currently the chief evidence against him on a range of charges.
Kwame declined to comment when asked, "How the fuck do you carry those things without a wheel-barrow?" and, "Where do you buy your pants?  The elephant store?"
In other news, astronomers are frantically discussing the possible earth-destroying ramifications of Mayor Kilpatrick's balls.

"It really is too early to tell," said Narg Dweebson of the North American Destructive Gravitational Objects Bureau.  "If they continue to grow at this rate, we could find the Earth's orbit disrupted."   When asked about the worst case scenario, Dr. Dweebson responded, "A black hole.  Wait, is that racist?"
* - This was pretty much all made up too.

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