Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Ask A Moron: Terror in the Oval Office

Chaika writes:
"How 'bout this? A 2-part question. Who, Hillary or Barack, would be more terrifying in the Oval Office if you were:

A. A sworn enemy of the United States;
B. An American taxpayer who wishes to be left alone."

You've come to the right Moron, my friend!

Perspective A: Sworn Enemy of the United States

O.H. Mubarak - Inset: Life partner

Hi, my name is Osama Hussein Mubarak and I'm a shit-eating, goat-fucking effigy burner and while I'm not engaged in grotesque multi-species sex acts with my fellow terrorists, I enjoy possessing women, public stonings and gang rape. I was asked by Moron Pundit to address which Democratic candidate inspires more terror in me as a sworn enemy of the United States and closeted caprasexual (but I repeat myself!).

Hillary Clinton: This infidel woman is often used in my homeland as an explanation of why women must be completely covered. Many suggest that ankles be excepted from the rule but were she to walk down a Bagdhad street in shorts you'd have found your weapons of mass destruction! I kid, I kid! But on a serious note, death to America.

Anyway, she has guaranteed she'd have a plan for the withdrawal of American troops from Iraq within 60 days of being inaugurated but if her execution of that plan is anything like HillaryCare I'm afraid we'd have your pesky Marines in our hair for all eternity. Don't get me wrong, we're eager to be sent to our 72 virgins but could you please have those Marines tone it back a notch. I'm running out of places to stick my falafel if you take my meaning. My chick peas don't paste themselves.

On the other hand, she does seem like a tough bitch and it seems that people that oppose her tend to have mysterious accidents and I can imagine a scenario in which Iran 'falls' and 'runs into a doorknob' because it's 'just so clumsy.' Just saying.

Terror Rating: 4/10

Barack Obama: Perhaps the Barack '08 humper sticker on my camel gives it away but I've really jumped on the Hope and Change bandwagon. He represents our favorite qualities of American society including limitless geopolitical naivety combined with an overwhelming compulsion to identify with victim class ideology. No person in American politics provides us more hope that we can change America into an Islamic theocracy without firing a shot than this yammering used-car salesman. Why, just the other day I was enjoying a post-coital cigarette in bed with my friend Billy G. and I said, "That Obama will really do what it takes to make me love America." Already he's promised to withdraw from Iraq, eviscerate the nation's military, cripple the economy with taxes and regulation while simultaneously circling the globe on his anticipated "Fellate the Dick-tator 09" tour. If he manages to open the border with Mexico and increase trade protectionism the United States will be a third world country faster than you can say "be gentle with that horn, honey." What's not to like?

Oh, we love his wife, too. We'd stone her for being uppity last.

Terror Rating: 0/10

Perspective B: An American Taxpayer Who Wishes to Be Left Alone
Well, as I fit this description perfectly, I've decided to field this one with a simple analogy.
Hillary Clinton's Presidency : Barack Obama's Presidency :: Getting Violently Fucked in the Ass :

  • A) Getting Violently Fucked in the Ass

  • B) Being Brutally Raped in the Ass

  • C) Sitting on a Fire Hydrant

  • D) Dating Ryan Seacrest


Take your pick, you're getting stitches either way.

Terror Rating: 10/10

2 comments:

chaika said...

Brilliant!

Moron Pundit said...

You inspired me!

Now I have to figure out how to get more than 10 people here per day!