Thursday, May 22, 2008

Morons of the Day: Wisconsin Drivers

Dear Wisconsin Drivers,
You fucking suck at driving.  The most. 
The above picture pretty much sums up how I feel about your driving skills as a group.  In almost a decade of driving into Chicagoland I saw less accidents than in three months of driving through the Milwaukee area.  Almost every day there is an accident slowing down traffic.  One clear, sunny day, I saw six fucking cars off the road.  How the hell does this happen?  Do they even teach you to drive?  For the love of God, even a police officer pulling over a speeder causes several miles of stop and go traffic.  Several miles.  What the fuck are you people doing, taking pictures?
One of the things that really irritates me is the complete lack of cause for traffic delays in Milwaukee.  In Chicago, three times the volume of cars will be cruising along at 80 mph in exactly the same number of lanes.  You know why they get away with that?  Because they know how to fucking drive.  I'm not saying they know how to obey every law and drive 'defensively*.'  I'm saying they have talent at driving, something Wisconsin, as a state, needs to work on.
I feel very much alone here as I drive as if, I don't know, I have somewhere to fucking be.  This is why, as a stranger in a strange land, I will list a few things Wisconsinites as a group are incapable of:
  • Understanding the purpose of the left lane: The left lane is for fucking passing.  Passing.  Not cruising.  Not talking on your cell phone.  Not staring into the sky and drooling as you roll along well below the speed limit.  If there is not a car to your right, you should not be in the left lane.  Ever.  If you are driving at or below the speed limit you should also avoid the left lane at all costs.  If I have to fucking move to the right to get around one more minivan driving 55 in a 65 in the left lane, I'll spontaneously develop telekinetic powers and the death toll will rise into the millions
  • Merging:  For some reason the act of merging on the freeway requires the Wisconsin driver to slam on his breaks at 65 in order to slow to a reasonable 0 mph before recklessly swerving into the moving lanes of traffic, bringing them to an abrupt halt.  In this way, human misery is maximized and the flow of traffic halted in all lanes.  On some serendipitous occasions, massive pileups are also produced!  How about, instead of ruining my commute, you suck on the barbed cock of Satan?
  • Figure out the complexities of entering/exiting the Interstate: I'll explain this slowly because I'm nearly certain nobody in Wisconsin understands this.  The purpose of that long stretch of road leading to the interstate (called an on ramp) is to accelerate to freeway speeds before you are on the freeway.  Entering the freeway at 45 mph and then accelerating is exactly not what you want to do.  Also, I'll reveal a secret about those long stretches of road leading away from the freeway.  Those are called off ramps and their purpose is decelerating from freeway speeds.  This makes it completely unnecessary to slow down to 40 mph on the freeway before meandering onto the on ramp as you turn on your blinker. 
  • Proper Use of the Turn Signal: Once again I'll explain this slowly because I'm pretty sure this is escaping you, too.  In order for the signal to achieve its goal of informing fellow drivers of your intentions, it must be activated before you begin the impending maneuver.  If you are already slowing down, signalling right as you turn does little but prove to me that you need to wear a helmet when you go to the bathroom.  The tape over your break lights and broken bumper clearly express to me your consistency with this behavior and perhaps your insurance company would appreciate it if you started warning the driver behind you before you slow down for what seems to be no reason.  Also, it is physically possible to turn your signal off after you've merged/turned/whatever. 

Anyone else want to yell at bad drivers?  Do it in the comments.  Maybe some horror stories from other places in the country will make me feel better about my commute.

* - Defensive driving is a practice that, in my opinion, causes nearly every accident on the road.  People that are dedicated to the practice implement it by way of driving extremely slowly, making movements timidly and without warning and practically ceasing to be aware of their surroundings.  It is as if, by driving slowly, they believe God will protect them.  Of course, by the time the three car pileup you caused stops burning you're three miles (45 minutes) down the freeway driving 15 under in the left lane with your right blinker on.  Douche bags.


Alice H said...

I think you might enjoy Stankleberry's blog. It's about New Jersey, not Wisconsin, but the general sentiment is similar.

steveegg said...

I have to agree with you. My fellow CheezeWhizzes have no fucking concept of that long, narrow pedal on the right. Hell, half of them think that "P" means pass.

Of course, in their meager defense, they've been taught by an inordinate number of police, deputies and troopers that speeds faster than 5 under will be punished severely.

mare said...

Great picture.

Old Iron said...

This is why everyone needs to learn how to drive in Kuwait. You pull some of the shit that you are talking about out there and you WILL get either pulled over (by police or a resident, and both will beat the shit out of you for being a dangerous idiot) or in a really serious accident. The Arabs may drive like absolute lunatics but, as one of my old contracting buddies used to say, "...At least they ALL drive like that, so they are predictable."

Moron Pundit said...

That's how it was in Puerto Rico, Iron. The drivers were positively insane but they were reliably insane.

You knew how to plan your day.

Veeshir said...

Wow, that sounds like DC driving.
Well, except that nobody, and I mean nobody (including police cars), uses their signal light to change lanes. That shows weakness you know.

My favorite places to drive are New Hampshire and Boston. In NH they drive like me. Their goal is to not get in your way unnecessarily or to let you get in their way.

Boston is driving at its most feral but they get more people through some crazy freaking roads in short order.

Holland is the place to learn. They don't really have any driving rules except "keep right". You could drive through somebody's back yard and as long as you kept to the right, there would be no problem.

Anonymous said...

SAME FUCKING THING IN MICHIGAN!!! so its construction.. but because the normal speed limit is 70, the construction speed limit is only 60.. so people drive that and MORONS apparently believe that there is a stop sign RIGHT before you are supposed to merge into traffic!! they expect getting on the HIGHWAY from a DEAD STOP would be a whole lot easier and safer than merging on at the same speed at the rest of the traffic going 65... i dont care if you have some ferrari but there is no way you can go from 0 to 60 to 'merge' into the highway traffic safely

Anonymous said...

I most definitely agree. at least in illinois our seemingly "reckless" driving is under control of the driver. and we know what it feels like to go 90