Thursday, May 1, 2008

Ask A Moron: Quieres Bailar, Puto?

Te amo, porque tu culo es dulce.

Alice H. asks: Is it time to invade Venezuela yet?

While I am most decidedly an irresponsible chicken hawk warmonger, I'm of two minds on this one. On the one hand I can think of no greater thing than setting our boys loose for a little target practice in the lovely mountains of Venezuela. We could kick their asses, steal their oil and catapult Chavez into the ocean. It even seems that the State Department is slowly coming around to the idea:
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is not cooperating with U.S. anti-terror efforts and has "deepened Venezuelan relationships with state sponsors of terrorism Iran and Cuba," the annual report says.

The report notes Chavez's "ideological sympathy" for the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia and the Colombian-based National Liberation Army, which "regularly crossed into Venezuelan territory to rest and regroup."

While the report says it "remained unclear to what extent the Venezuelan government provided support to Colombian terrorist organizations," it notes that Venezuelan weapons stocks have turned up in the hands of Colombian terrorist organizations.

It also notes that Iran and Venezuela began weekly flights between their capitals, and the passengers were not subject to proper checks. Among the passengers was a suspect in the plot to bomb New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

"Venezuelan citizenship, identity, and travel documents remained easy to obtain, making Venezuela a potentially attractive way station for terrorists," the report says.

Sounds like a good reason to send the boys in and expose Venezuela's socialist dictator to the wonders of high-tech, capitalist weaponry. What could be better?

Well, my other mind can think of one thing. Fucking with them.

We all know that Venezuela is only a threat in the realm of international popularity because his newly acquired Soviet military wouldn't last 30 minutes against Colombia let alone one Carrier Battle Group. What I think would be a good idea is using the combined power of the United States military and espionage arms to play constant, humiliating practical jokes on Venezuela and especially Hugo "Por Que No Te Calles" Chavez.

We could send every cell phone in the country a video of Chavez making out with Castro produced by our very best video editors.

How about doing this to him every morning?

Then, afterwards, we could take over all the TV channels in Venezuela and broadcast non-stop sweaty man beach volleyball with lots of ass slapping and chest bumping. I will spare you the video on that one.

High value production of Two Latin American Dictators, 1 Cup?

Intercept all weapons shipments and replace them with dildos?

The sky is the limit, I'm pretty stupid today so I'm sure you guys can come up with something better.

Bottom line: Let's make fun, not war. But after the fun, let's make a bunch of war. Then make fun again.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments.

No comments: