I must admit that my wife puts out more than many women, but here's another news flash: It isn't because she's a fabulously horny human being. Left to her own devices, she would doubtless park her bon-bon bloated ass on the couch and watch the Lifetime Movie Network like some sitcom "ugly best friend." The reason Jenny "puts out" as much as she does (an offensive terminology that itself suggests who's really into our physical relationship) is simple: She doesn't have a choice.
So how have I accomplished this? By holding my wife's feet to the fire every single day of our lives, of course.
Yes, dear readers, it's true: Maintaining some semblance of sexual activity in your marriage requires you to deploy the same kinds of nasty tactics you swore you would never stoop to as a parent but nonetheless found yourself using the minute you actually had a kid. Bribery and beating work; so do yelling and bullying. Threats are also effective, as long as everyone knows you mean business (a convenient 'fall down the stairs' always works). With wives, throwing things, pushing her around and body blows are particularly useful, as is telling her you only do it because you love her after the aforementioned.
When my wife has lingered too long over her Cosmo magazine and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the three weeks we've gone without sex, I slap it out of her hand and let her know what's going to happen. "A husband has a right to sex," I say in a tone of voice that brooks no equivocation. She may struggle and squirm, but the job gets done. It's okay that I have to do most of the work.
in my experience wives are a lot like children. They will get away with whatever they can get away with. When you put your foot down and make it clear that you won't take no for an answer, somehow the balls get licked and the dinner cooked and the babies cared for. It really does work, I promise.
* In case you think I'm an evil prick, this is satire inspired by this article found by Rachel Lucas.
Update: More here.
Update: Lucaslanche! Sweeeet. All of you wonderful readers (and I know she's got the best) take a look around if you have a moment. The video in this post deserves some exposure. It gives a shocking image of what we must avoid in Iraq.