Monday, April 21, 2008

Why Women Don't Put Out*

I must admit that my wife puts out more than many women, but here's another news flash: It isn't because she's a fabulously horny human being. Left to her own devices, she would doubtless park her bon-bon bloated ass on the couch and watch the Lifetime Movie Network like some sitcom "ugly best friend." The reason Jenny "puts out" as much as she does (an offensive terminology that itself suggests who's really into our physical relationship) is simple: She doesn't have a choice.

…So how have I accomplished this? By holding my wife's feet to the fire every single day of our lives, of course.

Yes, dear readers, it's true: Maintaining some semblance of sexual activity in your marriage requires you to deploy the same kinds of nasty tactics you swore you would never stoop to as a parent but nonetheless found yourself using the minute you actually had a kid. Bribery and beating work; so do yelling and bullying. Threats are also effective, as long as everyone knows you mean business (a convenient 'fall down the stairs' always works). With wives, throwing things, pushing her around and body blows are particularly useful, as is telling her you only do it because you love her after the aforementioned.

… When my wife has lingered too long over her Cosmo magazine and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the three weeks we've gone without sex, I slap it out of her hand and let her know what's going to happen. "A husband has a right to sex," I say in a tone of voice that brooks no equivocation. She may struggle and squirm, but the job gets done. It's okay that I have to do most of the work.

…in my experience wives are a lot like children. They will get away with whatever they can get away with. When you put your foot down and make it clear that you won't take no for an answer, somehow the balls get licked and the dinner cooked and the babies cared for. It really does work, I promise.

* In case you think I'm an evil prick, this is satire inspired by this article found by Rachel Lucas.

Update: More here.

Update: Lucaslanche! Sweeeet. All of you wonderful readers (and I know she's got the best) take a look around if you have a moment. The video in this post deserves some exposure. It gives a shocking image of what we must avoid in Iraq.


instinct said...

Fucking awesome. I bow to your superior skills.

Well, not really, but I thought I'd let you have the illusion of superiority for a moment :)

Anonymous said...

Very good satire. You should see if you can get it published in the same location as the original. :)

Schrodinger said...

Haha... I think my writing skills are way WAY too good to be in anything related to MSNBC. I'd rather it get published on toilet paper.

Bob said...

Wow, just noticed you added me to your blogroll. Thank you kindly, and the favor is returned.


Followed Rachel Lucas's link here. Good parody!

Anonymous said...

I read this post and kept seeing that pic that has the words "shut your whore mouth when men are speaking" in front of me.

Sweet post bro.


"manipulate my husband into doing necessary housework" = "force my wife to blow me."


Anonymous said...

Wow! It's amazing how many men out there are in your situation. They have lazy ass women who put out when they get good and God damned ready, but yet these women hold their heads high feeling as though they are owed monogamy and respect for their behavior.

It's a damn shame, I'm single and highly sexual, by the way I'm no jezebel or whore. I wish I could change places with some of these married women who are living the good life and do not deserve it.

I think they feel like they are entitled to deny sex and only do it when it's convenient for them.

Hats off to you for your initiative and putting your foot down.