You're Not Smart

You need DuhCorp

Does your PHP network have double back-end XHTML redundancy? Is your PDA hard drive triple access enabled for Wi-Fi management? If you don't have end-point security in your adaptive architecture strategy, then you need us.

You might not even know if you need us. Which means you need us even more. You don't understand how much you need us because you're not as smart as us. You don't understand things like Continuous Network Access Compliance Upload Speed (even though you pretend like you do at parties when people talk about it). You don't understand these things because you're not smart. But that's OK. We're smart. You can trust us.

If you hire us, you'll never see us in person. We might respond to your emails from time-to-time, but usually not. It's not that we're too busy to talk to you, it's just that your emails are usually so stupid that we're too busy laughing about them with everyone in the office.

I'm calling them today.

I Want A Fatwa

Yup, that ought to do it.
P.S.: If you are over five years old and think that's funny, can you let me know? I'm curious if I need therapy.
I laughed for like ten minutes when I thought of doing this.
P.P.S.: Alice H. was right, white penises show up way better.

Crossposted at doubleplusundead.

Best Named Awful Video Games

I've been holding onto this for a rainy day. I present to you, ten video games with the most bizarre fucking names you've ever heard:

The Simple 2000 series of budget games had a pretty dull start. It began with generic games with names like "The Cameraman," "The Tennis," "The Dungeon RPG," and "The License Acquisition Simulation -Version for Revised Road Traffic Laws." Eventually they apparently tapped every conceivable dull title possible. Then they started getting weird. Later titles included "The Large Beautiful Woman," which featured a giant woman in a bikini destroying a city, and "The Love Horror Adventure: Drifting Girl," which was about my last relationship. Volume 95 in English, in case you were wondering why such a stupid title took #1, is "Zombies Against Ambulances."



Zombies. Against. Ambulances.

My favorite game name is actually "Irritating Stick" but the description of the Simple2000 series of games leaves little to be desired. For fuck sake, I honestly want "The Large Beautiful Woman."



Rampage has nothing on that!

Crossposted at doubleplusundead

95%

Beat my score, morons.

Face Recognition

This is a pretty cool technology even though my results are... well, odd. I don't think I look particularly like anyone on the list which includes two Asian men, a woman and that kid from Hanson... which is basically a woman.

Unrealistic Steven Seagal Jobs

I'm busy packing for my move next weekend but I thought I'd throw a little weekend silly your way. Cracked has a list (NO FUCKING WAY!) of the least plausible Steven Seagal jobs.

Also, there's this:

I'm A ManChild

Therefore, all I have to say about this is:

I Demand Photoshop

I figure by the end of this campaign, Obama will have thrown pretty much everyone he knows under the bus. Wouldn't it be great to have a picture of Obama behind the wheel of a bus stuck on a pile of corpses?

Awesome.

Somebody make it. This I command!

You Want Audacity? I Got Your Audacity Right Here*

For these fucking balls are metallic and produce an overwhelming gravitational pull:

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has issued a new directive that seeks to protect information from "telephones, text messaging devices and pagers" from public disclosure under the Freedom of Information Act. But the Free Press says city officials and legal observers don't think the new policy will stand up in court.

Because he has a deep and unflinching dedication to personal privacy, even at the work place?  Fuck no!  Because the text messages sent on his fucking work phone are currently the chief evidence against him on a range of charges.

 

Kwame declined to comment when asked, "How the fuck do you carry those things without a wheel-barrow?" and, "Where do you buy your pants?  The elephant store?"

 

In other news, astronomers are frantically discussing the possible earth-destroying ramifications of Mayor Kilpatrick's balls.

"It really is too early to tell," said Narg Dweebson of the North American Destructive Gravitational Objects Bureau.  "If they continue to grow at this rate, we could find the Earth's orbit disrupted."   When asked about the worst case scenario, Dr. Dweebson responded, "A black hole.  Wait, is that racist?"

 

* - This was pretty much all made up too.

Living the Moron Lifestyle

Have you ever woken up, gotten in the shower and noticed a penny on the floor in there?  Then you think to yourself, "Self, the only way that fucking penny got in here is because it was somehow stuck to your body."   Then you start thinking about what type of lifestyle one must lead to be in a position to have a penny stuck to him.

 

I need a wife.  Badly.

 

P.S.: Dear blog,

 

Please place the attached picture at the top of the blog post without any shenanigans or, as recommended by Old Iron and DPUD, you will face the stinging back of my pimphand. 

 

Blog better have my money.

 

Love,

Moron Pundit

Wilhelm Scream

S. Weasel describes the history of this classic movie element so I thought I'd pile on:



That calls for a Wilhelm scream!

World's Sexiest Newscaster

I'm not sure I agree with this but I can tell you who it's not. Greta Van Susteren:

Sorry about the retinal damage - Ed.
I try not to make fun of people based solely on appearance but considering that I hate her 'newscasting' in every way, it is fair game. Every time I see her trucker mouth talking sideways about missing children I feel like headbutting a stucco wall.

Anyway, here is my vote for hottest newscaster:


Julie Banderas from Fox News. Yowza.

Stupid Palestinians

This is obviously just a ruse used by the State Department to retain cooperation and respect from the Palestinians until the end of Rice's term as Secretary of State.

There is a "good possibility" Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could be chosen as Sen. John McCain's presidential running mate, Palestinian officials here say they were told by U.S. politicians in recent days.

"We were told by U.S. politicians there is a good possibility we may still be dealing with Rice in the future, but this time as vice president," one Palestinian official told WND.

And, of course they're stupid enough to believe it.

End of story.

Profile Creepy People Today!

A pedophile is wanted internationally and they just caught him. That's not what I want to talk about. Here's his picture:

Seriously, if you walked past that guy on the street wouldn't you hold your child's hand a little tighter? I think it is high time we start criminally profiling creepy looking people. I said it.

Would you like to share a long walk on the beach with this guy?


Would you invite this guy to your 4th of July barbecue?



No. You wouldn't because they look fucking creepy. I propose legislation that will allow investigation and surveillance of people who score above 5 out of 10 on the Fucking Creepy scale of appearance. It's not like the discrimination will hurt them - they're too ugly and socially incompetent to be really happy anyway. They might even like the attention!

Don't worry, Ace, you're only at a 4.

Beware: Celebrity Endorsement

A guest spot from international superstar Wilson


As an official celebrity, I know my endorsement has just made your mind up for you, even though I'm known to be full of hot air. Get it? You fucking get that? I'm a fucking BALL. AND FUCKING SELF-DEPRECATING!

Fuck it, never mind. It's not funny if you have to explain it.

Anyway, I'm endorsing Hillary Clinton for President in 2008. One of the reasons I feel comfortable with her as President of the United States is that she has no history of being orally aggressive with balls. As we all know, I was rather seriously abused by Tom Hanks on a desert island before he went on to play with his own balls for a while on a recent YouTube video.


A guest spot from international superstar Hooch


I may eagerly eat my own puke and shake hands by sniffing ass but I know I want Ron Paul to be the next President of the United States.

Why?

We have a similar philosophy on drooling and chewing on furniture.

Ask A Moron: Ask a Stupid Person, Get a Stupid Answer

bmac asks: If your driving at the speed of light (let's assume you could drive a car at the speed of light), and you turn your headlights on, will anything happen?

You turn gay.

Here is my proof:

Take that, Einstein.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me.

Two Can't Play At This Game

This picture not only proves I don't have S. Weasel's talent but how very mature my sense of humor is.

I giggled for like 10 minutes.

Saint Rachel (Open Blog)

In her attempt at Total World Domination, it appears that Rachel is seeking to become a Saint:

Dig this: Sunny has lost another pound and I am — wait for it — starting to see her girlish silhouette again. She has been shaped like a sausage for so many years, I forgot what she looked like with a little indentation around the hips. It’s kind of a miracle and I’m considering phoning the Pope to let him know.

If the Pope asks, I wholeheartedly endorse Rachl Lukis as a Saint but what are her other two miracles?

Also, she would be the Patron Saint of what?'

I vote Patron Saint of Dog Costumes.

Rubber Man

A little silliness for a Monday afternoon.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics

Funny:

The Lyric:

"Man I'm done saying that I'm done playing, Im'ma a start laying any of these motherfucking cocksuckers."

What He's Probably Saying:

"No joke, my patience is exhausted and now I'm gonna start shooting people."


What We Like To Think He's Saying:

"Seriously, I'm gonna start having sex with dudes."