Moron Pundit

Dear America: Everything you learned in Kindergarten is wrong.

2008-09-30T07:02:00.001-05:00

Recently, it has become obvious that there are serious structural problems in our financial system. Of course, the cause of this mess is a string of congressional dictates to mortgage lenders ordering them to give loans to dangerously underqualified people. Apparently, requiring your applicants to meet basic requirements like having a job and a credit history is racist and the whole system is racist and you're a racist and fuck racists (you).

Anyway, what really is pissing me off is that the preening cocks that caused this mess like Obama and Dodd and Barney "I love to ram Lenin's shellacked fist up my ass" Frank are getting away with telling us that the big banks "ripped off the American people." Now, he's a politician and his job is to lie to you but I'm just a ranting internet 'personality' so I'm going to level with you.

This mess is your fault.

I'm not saying that every voter in America is directly responsible but by the election choices we've made and the financial choices a large number of us have made, we've gotten ourselves into this mess. Deep down, you know it the Democrats are feeding you a line of bullshit. You know that "the man" isn't the reason these banks are in trouble. You know that the financial institutions didn't 'rip off the American people.' In fact, it is exactly the opposite. The American people voted for socialist weasels who forced them to give money to borrowers that didn't deserve it. The American people ripped off the large banks.

This brings me to the real reason I'm pissed off. Obama is going to get away with it. Obama and his ultra-liberal allies (who fucking caused this) are going to be allowed to lie to your faces about what happened here because 40 years of hippie bullshit has finally corrupted the smart part of your brains. The part of you that accepts responsibility for your own stupidity has been overwhelmed by decades of mottos and sayings and beliefs so fucking stupid that only intellectuals and people with bong resin for blood could believe them. Well, until they were repeated so many times that even the average American believes them without thinking about it.

Fucking hippies

I'm going to go through some of the stupidest sayings we've all heard a thousand times and explain why they're fucking stupid. Then I'm going to yell at you a bit more about how we all need to accept responsibility for our selfish, stupidity and stop blaming people more successful than us for our failings. Sorry, everybody, you aren't the smartest or the fastest or the most talented and, for that reason, you don't deserve the success your betters enjoy. I know it isn't fair. Life isn't.

Money Isn't Everything

Of course it is. If you don't believe it is, you're functionally retarded. Now look, I agree, small squares of green paper with dead people printed on them aren't everything. The number in your bank account isn't everything. Being able to buy a solid-gold house or a rocket car isn't everything. But the economy is everything.

Yes, everything.

Economics is the study of how people use a limited number of resources to fulfill an unlimited demand for them. The best way humanity has ever found to disperse these items in a relatively fair way is to use money. Money is a placeholder that allows you to specialize in juggling and exchange that juggling for food. Were there no money it would be difficult to walk into a grocery store and attempt to trade your ball-handling for a sandwich. I'd call the cops.

What money represents is everything. It isn't just a way to buy things, it represents the only thing of any value in the world: your time. Every minute you work for a paycheck is represented by that number in your bank account. The very essence of your existence is stuffed haphazardly in your wallet. This is why hippie arguments that you shouldn't be so fucking upset about raising taxes because "its only money" are so retarded. It isn't only money. It is your life.

When asked if I would shoot a man who was trying to steal my TV, I say yes because that TV isn't just a thing. It is time. It is a portion of my life I can never get back and the piece of shit stealing it is so useless as a human being that he can't convert his own time into a TV without stealing mine. I say the world is better off without him. And it is better off without this ridiculous belief that money isn't important. It is crucial. It is the only thing, just like winning. Which brings me to...

It doesn't matter if you win or lose, its how you play the game.

Fuck that hippie bullshit.

I'm not saying that winning is everything in trivial pursuits like sports or rock-paper-scissors competitions but let's not get crazy and say that winning doesn't matter. Winning is obviously critical to the very nature of human interaction and life and everything else. Winning is fucking 42 and if you don't believe that, you probably suck.

Look, at some point children (and slowly developing adults) need to learn that the world isn't on your team. Karma isn't your buddy and luck isn't going to give you a reach around no matter how many times you have that slut at the casino "blow" on your "dice." The only way to succeed in life is to charge headlong into the delight that is human competition and eke out your share of the pie. Without any doubt, there is plenty to go around but if you go through life thinking you deserve something, you're going to end up a loser or bringing all of humanity down with you like these retards buying 300,000 dollar houses when they work at McDonald's.

I know competition is hard and it is depressing when you lose but...

Do What Makes You Happy

Does anyone seriously think this is a way to go through life? Are the concepts of duty and honor and sacrifice so completely dead in this country that anybody can envision a life dedicated solely to the pursuit of his own happiness? While it is clear from the recent market disruptions that the vast majority of people do not understand the consequences their actions have on others, it is even more disturbing that the few that do understand seem completely dedicated to denying it or at least dodging responsibility for it.

Of course, the hippies always were most dedicated to avoiding responsibility. They didn't want to fight for a country that gave them everything so they dodged the draft. They didn't want to study important skills society needed so they invented women's studies and sociology (for more on my desperate hatred of sociology, look at Moron Pundit.) They didn't want to deal with a reality that wasn't perfect so they spent most of their time swimming in a cloud of 'mind-expanding' chemicals. They didn't want to deal with the responsibility and challenge of relationships and family so they preached free love. In every conceivable way, the hippies were as useless as a human being can become.

And yet, prevailing conventional wisdom somehow contends that a music festival like Woodstock was socially important. Fucking ridiculous. Woodstock was one of the most amazing displays of hubris, laziness and selfish waste in history and those pieces of shit have the audacity to call Wall Street bankers selfish? Do you think the traders that killed themselves on Black Tuesday did it because they lost their own money? Only someone with no understanding of honor and duty could believe that. They jumped because they couldn't face the shame and horror of telling thousands of people that they didn't have their money.

And make no mistake, as much as I understand that the CEO's of AIG and Lehmans are rich beyond my wildest dreams, they do understand duty and responsibility. It is that understanding that makes the leader of a company like AIG go to the government and beg them to take a controlling interest in what is, by all measures, the sum total of his life out of his hands.

Of course, the people that took the loans that spurred this disaster along with the (perhaps) well-meaning politicians that forced the banks to create this environment simply don't understand how the world works. How goods and services exchange hands. How the entirety of reality actually works. If they did, they certainly wouldn't think that a poor person with a bad credit history should EVER EVER EVER get a home loan. An honest, responsible person confronted with the ability to take a loan in that circumstance would also want the bank to reject them. But for some reason, these people seem to have no knowledge of the consequences of failure to repay not only to themselves but to everyone around them. Each of these people, and to a large extent most people in the country, seem to operate as if they live in a vacuum. They make choices following this holiest of the hippie doctrines: make yourself happy. Do what you want to do. Who cares if the person that built your house doesn't get paid or the man who wants to get a loan next year can't because the mortgage company is in bankruptcy. Not you. You got your free house and fuck everyone else. Well, fuck you and fuck your stupid idiology. I'm not sure who's more useless, the person preaching this bullshit or the person that manages to believe it.

Unfortunately, we'll never have a politician that tells you how fucking selfish you are because they want you to like them. Too bad that most Americans have lost what seems to be the most important grown-up skill of all, being able to accept when they don't deserve something they want.

Free Love

I touched on this above but it deserves a little extra wrath of its own. Many debates in this country rage because of many people's retarded belief that love is what really matters in civilization. Love is great, don't get me wrong and it is clearly a driving factor in the progress of the human species but it is only useful when coupled with dedication and commitment. Debates about gay marriage, abortion and welfare are all based on a belief that the one thing we mustn't do is interfere with people's ability to love who they want how they want. Unfortunately, society is not helped in any way by love but instead the bonds of family created when love is stable and permanent.

While I don't particularly care if gays are allowed to get married or not, I know that they have consistently made a very stupid argument in its favor; namely that if two people love each other it should be allowed. I ask again, what the fuck does the government care about your love? It doesn't. It cares about a stable environment to raise healthy, productive children who in turn can create healthy, productive families of their own. Again, gay couples probably meet this criteria but they should make that argument, not the former.

This leads to the rampant use of abortion as birth control for people too in love to consider the consequences of their actions. No wonder I often consider "in love" synonomous with "asshatted." As I've lived my life, I've grown more and more sure that marriage before sex IS probably the best (if perhaps not very realistic) way to do things. Instead, people fuck who they want, get pregnant a dozen times and treat abortions like tossing a condom wrapper. I'd be far more inclined to support the 'right to choose' if the choice were made through necessity, not laziness and a desire to avoid responsibility.

Don't even get me started on the results of Johnson's destruction of the poor community by tearing apart families and making them look to their government rather than their community and family for support in times of distress. I hope he's getting buttfucked by Hitler right now.

OMG! THE MAN IS BRINGING US DOWN/ CORPORATIONS ARE EVIL/RICH PEOPLE ARE RICH BECAUSE OTHERS ARE POOR/ETC/ETC

Only someone completely separated from the world of work and jobs and society could possibly believe this. I was forced as a requirement to take a class in Voodoo (sociology) and I recall my barely qualified instructor preaching that Vice Presidents were overpaid and that she could do their job but they surely couldn't do hers. They were just rich white men making sure their underlings stayed at each other's throats so they didn't notice how stupid and lazy they are.

If you believe this, you are mentally retarded. The fact of the matter is, by and large, CEO's and VP's and other executives make so much money because they are worth it. Not only could the average VP of anything come down and teach Voodoo better than this bitch but the first week she was trying to do the "easy" job of being a VP she'd have a nervous breakdown.

The fact of the matter is, people at the top of large organizations like corporations care more about the average American and do more for society than a thousand community organizers or social workers. The people that invest or work for these corporations are constantly on the minds of most executives and they strive constantly to do the best they can for all involved. Are there exceptions? Yes, and you hear about them at length every time they get caught but notice that there are thousands of corporations with many thousands of executives and the corporation-hating media and Democratic party can only find perhaps a dozen such people per year.

Everybody Is Equal

This is so laughable as to make me wonder if people are actually intelligent creatures. When the Declaration of Independence was originally written by Adams (the greatest American that ever lived, in my opinion) it said "All men are created equally free and independent" not "all men are created equal." Adams would surely have laughed at the latter thought. While we are and of a right should be equal in the eyes of god and law, there is absolutely no way anyone intelligent can contend that we are all equal. We each have differing levels of talent and intelligence and physical prowess and for these reasons should be expected to serve very different roles in society. Subsequently, we should expect to be rewarded very differently based on the value of our abilities.

Sorry, dumb, talentless people. You aren't as valuable to society as talented geniuses. Not only is this true but it is just. Society MUST reward those that benefit society the most and value them above other people. It doesn't mean you have to obey them, but they do deserve a nicer house than you.

A little analogy: Many of you believe it is just to take wealth from those with great reserves and give it to others with less. You believe they have more than they 'deserve' even though it is clear that they (in most cases) earned it and those with less can't seem to figure out how. It doesn't matter, they have too much and others need it.

Well, what if we take the example of someone who is very good with the ladies? Should I, as a less successful person have the right to sleep with his girlfriend because he has too much and I don't have enough? What about a talented writer? Should we all get our name on the cover with equal prominence because he is just hogging up all the writing talent and others deserve some.

Of course, none of this makes any sense because we didn't write the book. And we aren't charming and attractive. And we don't deserve to have lots of money because we haven't found a way to be useful to society in a comparable way.

I know it isn't fair. We've been over this.

Violence Doesn't Solve Anything

Yes. It does. In fact, I can think of no surer way to resolve any conflict than violence. It is hard to me to even imagine a problem I have that couldn't be solved by violence. That guy hitting on your girlfriend? Kill him. Not anymore. Somebody double park you in? Break into the car and roll it into the highway. See? Problem solved.

What? These actions cause more problems than they solved? Well, that's not what you said. You said violence doesn't solve anything. A more accurate statement is "Violence is so blunt and traumatic that, while it could be used to solve any problem, it should be used sparingly and with great care." I know that doesn't really fit on a bumper sticker but nothing intelligent does. I mean, placing "you can't hug your children with nuclear arms" on your car bumper is like advertising your extra chromosome.

Anyway, I'm so tired of this "everything you need to know, you learned in kindergarten", "are you smarter than a 5th grader*" bullshit philosophy that everything in the world can be summed up in simple, broad platitudes. For people that are constantly preaching that everything is gray areas, they sure are locked into a belief structure as simple as Forrest Gump's fashion sense.

Mean Poeple Suck

Sometimes I'm pretty sure this means "honest people suck" or "people smarter than me suck." Only in the modern PC world could denying a poor person a loan be considered "mean" or even illegal.

While being rejected for a loan may seem mean, you have to learn that sometimes the correct thing for another person or organization to do is to be mean to you. I once, in my stupider younger years attempted to get a loan without any collateral to which the loan officer responded with great sarcasm and condescension. I was outraged at the time but over the years that disdain has served me well because I didn't deserve a loan. What I was asking was essentially an insult to him and his institution. To think that they should just give me money and expect to be treated as an adult was ridiculous considering I'd walked in a proved I wasn't one.

In the end, people who whine about mean people suck. Put that on your bumper.

* I am smarter than a fifth grader. Way smarter. Only in modern America could a child knowing that a furlong is 660 feet be confused with superior intelligence. For example, I know how to drive a car which, last I checked, is far more valuable knowledge than the intricacies of the English measurement system. The idea for the show is cute but the title returns to that most annoying of trends in which people delight in explaining how things aren't like they obviously are. Oh no, running is actually bad for you! SURPRISE! You'd think that a decrease in violence in Iraq was due to.. um... less violence but a study conducted THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY about something completely unrelated like light patterns in Baghdad PROVE that is isn't! Think 9/11 was done by terrorists? THINK AGAIN SIMPLETON! Chimpy Retardiburton McBushitler orchestrated the most ingenious, diabolical attack on America without leaving behind ANY EVIDENCE! Oh my fucking god! Throw aside your preconceptions! We're in a zany, wacky world where anything is possible and the only people that toe the company line are brainless dinosaurs who hate black people and yearn for a return to the days of wife-beating and TB wards.

Fuck off. I'm smarter than a fifth grader. Smoking pot is bad for you. Alexthechick is hot even though she's on the internet and filled with irrational fears.

Deal with it.

That's Some Fucked Up Shit Right There

2008-07-29T11:58:00.004-05:00

Yesterday in the evening I was waiting for my sister to come visit so I decided to take my little daughter to the playground behind my apartment complex. While I attempted to convince Luci that the kiddy swing was supposed to be fun, not a novel form or torture, I was approached by some neighborhood immigrant children.

I noticed an obvious hispanic accent (probably an island or maybe South American) as the older sister, a girl of maybe 12 (I'm pretty certain she's more like 10) engaged me in conversation.

Her: "How old she is?"

Me: "About six months."

Her: "That's as old mine is."

Me: "..."

At this point I assumed she had mispoken in a non-native tongue and meant her brother or sister cousin...

Her: "She's with her grandmother...."

Umm...

Her: "With my mother."

Uhh...

Her: But mine is a boy. The father goes to my school.

It is a rare and amazing occassion when I have absolutely nothing to say. I quickly did some math in my head and realized that, even assuming a very generous age of 12, this girl had gotten pregnant at the age fucking 10 years old! In my ignorance, I thought you needed to be a fucking teenager to have kids.

Then I remembered that girls had started menstruating as young as nine and fertility goes along with that.. Still, that means someone had sex with a 10 year old (at the oldest) and got her pregnant. And she had it. And it survived.

And she's fucking raising it.

That's some fucked up shit right there.

I'll leave you with her most disturbing sentence, "I had to give mom the baby so I could go out and play... have some fun."

What the fuck is wrong with the world?

Man, It's Dusty In Here

2008-07-17T09:03:00.002-05:00

Good thing I brought my feather duster and maid outfit.

Good luck getting that image out of your head.

Life has been truly ridiculous the last month. Whether it be three jobs, a baby, family, friends getting married or just working on a totally awesome Zombie video game (details coming soon) I just haven't had a chance to breathe. When I do get a moment, I tend to post my good stuff over at DPUD since it will be read by far more than the three or four people that stop over here.

I'll be unveiling my new part-time consulting company via its new website shortly. In addition to other professional services, I intend to offer blog installation, maintenance, programming and update services. Also, I want to provide scripts for anything from polls to random phrase generators, etc. I've got pretty solid talent at programming in PHP, Javascript, ASP, etc (if I really list it out it sounds like bragging these days) so I can interface with most any blog engine you happen to be running.

Also, I think I'm going to start posting a bunch of pictures of my daughter and other photographs I take. I'm trying to train myself to use GIMP to create good logos and other web graphics and, while the progress is slow, I'm getting somewhere.

Eventually, you'll all want to purchase your products from Moron Solutions. No, I'm not kidding. Not even a little.

Moron Solutions: We don't think we're smarter than you.

100% Bitches*

2008-07-03T14:37:00.001-05:00

100%ALCOHOLIC

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets

* - I'm going to go ahead and claim my exceptional score is because I bartended for two years but you make up your own mind.

PHP Bleg

2008-07-02T11:44:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure how tech savvy my readership is but I have a rather complicated, obscure problem with PHP and consuming web services that I could really use some help on.

Anybody?

The Lights Aren't Off Yet

2008-06-30T11:01:00.001-05:00

I know it has been pretty quiet around here because I've been posting most of my good political and odd news stuff over at doubleplusundead. This blog, however, is not dead. I think I'll use it to focus in more on personal stories, Wisconsin news and other oddities that may otherwise clutter up DPUD's fine establishment.

I had intended to cross-post most of my material here but found that to be tedious, to say the least. Beyond the fact that I had to post an article twice, the method by which Blogger translates text into HTML is different than mee.nu (it has to do with converting line breaks) so I end up having to do a lot of code cleanup to get it to look right.

Other topics I will continue/start to write about here include computer programming, web consulting and the future of several personal projects I'm working on including a book (Sci-Fi), a computer game (it has to do with killing ZOMBIES!) and the company I'm starting that will not only offer professional services to businesses but provide myriad blog installation and software solutions to the world at large. I hope to make my professional website available soon at www.m0r0n.com.

If only I had an extra 5 hours per day! Anyone want to lend me some?

Tragedy and Parenting

2008-06-30T10:36:00.004-05:00

Before I had my daughter in January, I could have never fathomed the agony a story like this must produce:

A 3-year-old girl drowned in a pool at a friend's home in Milwaukee.

Officers said it happened at a home near 80th Street and Tesch Avenue at about 6:30 p.m. Saturday.

Police said the girl might have been wearing a flotation device earlier in the day, but took it off to eat dinner.

While I can't even imagine surviving the death of my daughter, I have many family members who have lost children and they all say "You find a way, you have to."

The worst part is that the child had the water wings on and took them off to eat. This oversight by the parents will inevitably lead them to endless self-recriminations that are, obviously, undeserved. Yes, they probably should have noticed but life is fast and frantic and children are as kinetic as quicksilver. The reality is, terrible terrible things happen and no amount of care can prevent that.

I must qualify all of this by saying that I regularly go into my daughter's room to check if she is breathing and have an absolutely irrational terror about walking when my daughter is on the floor for some reason. Vivid images of me stepping on her skull flash into my mind and I almost have to immediately sit down.

Who knew you could ever care about something so much? Even with the risk of such terrible loss, I can only pity those who have chosen not to have children. I'm not better than you, I just feel sad that you'll never know the most powerful love in the world.

I'd Like You to Meet My New Girlfriend

2008-06-26T19:14:00.002-05:00

That's right. A fucking bread maker. After getting back from my vacation out west I bought some supplies for making bread and fired that little darling up. Result?

I have finally achieved true bliss. I only made basic white bread but it was fantastic. The quality difference between store bought bread and the stuff you make yourself cannot be overstated. And the recipes I can try are many and varied! Homemade banana bread? I win.

I just fucking win.

I hope to never eat store-bought bread again.

Alive

2008-06-18T20:51:00.001-05:00

And not in Wisconsin, but out west with the family. I'll be out of Wisconsin until the 24th and hopefully will immediately shoot out to Detroit for a little party.

I hear the levies on the Mississippi broke and that my home county was declared a federal disaster area so going home should be fun.

I'll post some pictures from the trip soon.

Wisconsin Has Angered God

2008-06-12T22:01:00.000-05:00

And we're about to get punished.

The state hasn't even backed off from record flood levels and we're about to get 3+ inches of rain tonight. It appears that at least 3 dams are going to give way tonight at least.

Also, most of the interstates are being closed due to flooding, semis are being blown over by high winds and power is slowly turning off for thousands of residents.

I'm just waiting for some retarded Packer fan to blame this on Favre's retirement.

At any rate, wish us luck. We're going to need it.

P.S. Do you know why Bush hasn't visited the effected areas yet? He hates white people.

Update: Current reports show that each of three dams are currently expected to hold by county officials if the rain total is less than 3". That is, unfortunately, a big if. We're up to 19,000 without power.

Only about 6 hours of storms to go.

Update Part Deux: I was right, Fond du Lac is fucked:

County Executive Allen Buechel declared a State of Emergency for all of Fond du Lac County on Thursday evening. All citizens are asked to remain in their homes unless they need to evacuate.

Many streets and roads are impassable across the county. The County is urging residents to stay home unless they need to evacuate.

One resident said some sewers are gushing out like fountains in the city of Fond du Lac. The sewers backed up into many basements and many city roads are impassible due to flooding.

Those poor people have been under the red on the radar screen for five hours straight. It is going to be a rough morning for them. Unfortunately for points south, that water has to go somewhere and I have a suspicion it might be this way.

Obama Pulling Out of Wisconsin?

2008-06-10T21:31:00.002-05:00

Unsubstantiated information from the Republican Party of Wisconsin:

After a series of puff articles over the weekend raving about Senator Barack Obama’s Wisconsin operation, it was discovered Obama actually doesn’t have any campaign offices in the state.

“Perhaps Democrats realize that the most liberal member of the United States Senate is no fit for Wisconsin voters and took their field offices back to Chicago,” said Mark Jefferson, Executive Director of the Republican Party of Wisconsin. “This isn’t the first time the Obama campaign has sought to mislead folks in Wisconsin, and it no doubt won’t be the last.”

Phone numbers listed on the Obama website for Wisconsin campaign offices were discovered to be inoperable this week. Obama’s national campaign said there hasn’t been campaign offices since the state’s February primary and didn’t know when they would reopen.

According to Jefferson, Obama’s visit this week could be to mask his anemic state operation or it might be a farewell visit to the Badger State.

“It will take more than overblown pep rallies to convince Wisconsin voters that Barack Obama shares their values,” Jefferson said. “John McCain has a history of independent leadership that appeals to Wisconsin. Senator Obama has never put partisan interests aside to bring about progress. Maybe that’s why Democrats have to exaggerate their campaign operations.”

Very interesting.

Lake Delton Is No More

2008-06-10T13:56:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately, this isn't remotely the worst of the damage in the midwest. Waukesha (where I live now) has an overflowing damn and nearly every road through town is closed.

Fucked up.

Oh, and on a side note, I am posting much more at doubleplusundead than I am here.

Check it out!

Holy Fuck

2008-06-07T17:37:00.000-05:00

That was one hell of a fucking storm! Yee-haw!!

I saw some nice, 3" hail. I'll try to get some of the video I took up before the end of the weekend!

Man, I love thunderstorms!

Ask A Moron: Zombie Invasion - Exodus

2008-06-05T19:34:00.005-05:00

...Previously...

It has been several weeks since Ash saw the unfortunate gentleman in the parking lot partially devoured. Later that day, he joined his consumers in meanderingly mindless in search of food. Unfortunately for Ash and his friends, they aren't the only ones looking for food. A quick tally of the remaining rations reveals only a week is left before starvation begins. It's time to get the fuck out of dodge.

I Have a Clever Plan

In the initial hours of the invasion, Ash contacted all local friends and family and arranged an escape plan should one become necessary. While hope for an outside solution to the problem remains, the current food shortage necessitates action. These original plans will need to be put in motion.

Before leaving town, there are three locations from which Ash must rescue people dear to him. Two are private residences and one is an apartment complex. He is to extricate five individuals from these locations; his parents and three friends. Of course, before he can do any of that the survivors have to get to their cars.

Getting to the Car (Choppa)

In the parking lot there are five cars belonging to Ash's party of survivors. You may recall that two of the vehicles arrived later when Ash's friends fled dangerous locations and joined the party. The primary problem with getting to the cars is that there are two dozen hungry undead looking for a snack. Three of the cars are parked on the near side of the parking lot but two cars are parked more distantly. It is decided that it is critical to take as much transportation as possible so they're going to have to find a way to get drivers into each of the cars and started before any zombie violence befalls them. The group is broken up into teams and each are instructed as to which vehicle to head toward. Now all they need to do is get rid of these zombies.

Being that these are ninja zombies (not swarming zombies) it is possible to pick one off at a time and any zombie that doesn't detect you with their own senses is unlikely to pursue or attack. The plan is for the teams bring the shotgun to the controlled access doors downstairs while Ash shoots from the balcony with his pistol. From here he will pick off as many zombies as he can while (hopefully) remaining out of reach. This should draw the zombies toward him. It is clear that eventually the zombies will break through the sliding glass doors into the downstairs apartments and make an attempt to bypass the shoddy defenses. From his location on the balcony, Ash can see and keep clear the main front door so long as zombies haven't figured out how to climb brick walls.

As the zombies that get by him move into the downstairs apartments the parking lot should clear out. As soon as Ash yells go or a zombie breaks into the downstairs hallway it is time for the gangs to move out.

All of the survivors quietly move to the downstairs area carrying as much food and equipment as they can, securing themselves between the outside door and the locked inner security door. They nervously watch the blockaded doors for movement as they hear Ash start shooting. Above, Ash has started to fire carefully aimed shots at the heads of the zombies. While he isn't the best shot, he benefits(?) from his targets shambling toward him after the initial miss. Within minutes he has cleared half of the visible undead from the parking lot and they aren't being replaced by reinforcements. He can't find many more in range until he hears an angry, hungry screech from below his feet. Looking through the cracks in the balcony he can see that one had been under him the whole time. Shortly thereafter he hears the sound of shattering glass as the zombie moves into the lower unit.

The shotgun wielding 'leader' of the lower survivors knows his first responsibility after leaving the room is to check both sides of the door to make sure no sneaky little ninja fucker had stealthed away out of their line of sight. Then he is to provide protection as the first three groups move to the near cars. Once they are in those cars, he will escort the other two groups (one of which he is a member) to their more distant vehicles. All this time, Ash is providing as much cover and scouting as possible. All he has to do now is wait for the command.

Ash sees the lot to be clear of any targets and hears his new downstairs neighbor viciously attempting to break through the blockade with some success. He decides it is time to give the command. The shout is heard below and they begin to move. From his vantage point he can see the shotgun swing left, fire twice then swing back to the right. He looks up with a nod as the rest of them begin moving across the parking lot. Within moments the first three cars are loaded and started. The rest begin moving the thirty yards to the other cars. Ash stays vigilant for any movement but the rest of it goes off without a hitch. The cars line up into a caravan in the middle of the parking lot and Ash jumps down from the balcony, immediately turning to see if his company has decided to come back out and play. He then charges to the nearest car and piles in. Roll out!

Mean Streets

The first house is less than three miles away but in that distance much is learned about the new world. Burned out car wrecks litter the highway and many apartment buildings and houses have been totally destroyed. Much time is spent weaving through obstacle courses of debris with maximum attention paid to keeping momentum and maximizing distance from possible zombie hiding spots. Rolling through town only a few zombies are seen and those slow monstrosities rarely attempt pursuit of the fast moving vehicles.

They slow down when they arrive at the house, pulling their cars into a semi-circle in the front yard. One car takes shelter within this wagon circle in order to collect the refugees. Ash and Shotgun get out of the car and provide cover as the horn is honked. It doesn't seem that anyone is home but sure enough, two people come out a moment later. Ash points the gun at his parents and instructs them to get into the trunk of the car. He doesn't have time to explain his reasoning because the new neighbors are getting restless. They do as they are told and the caravan moves out with new cargo.

It may seem cruel but in this situation it is necessary to preserve the safety of the group and there was no time for a full, nude search out in the open. They couldn't bypass this crucial security measure so they had to maintain a physical separation from the new survivors. This combined with the pressing time element made it necessary to find a place to put them in the rather isolated trunk. Shotgun still sits in the back at the ready if anything bad happens.

They continue to the second house and a similar process comes off without a hitch. Unfortunately, the apartment complex they are to visit has been burned to the ground and only small hope remains that they escaped and await them at the rendezvous spot.

Getting out of Dodge

The caravan now makes its way to the nearest state highway as quickly as possible and heads West. The previously agreed upon rendezvous point is a commonly known, large parking lot about six hours away. This location is in the middle of nowhere, provides great lines of sight and has enough room for dozens of cars to park without nearing any cover that ninja zombies may use to sneak up on their prey.

For now, Ash sleeps as the devestated world rolls by.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at a

Crossposted at doubleplusundead.

Wisconsin Drivers

2008-06-05T08:32:00.004-05:00

Yeah, the weather is shitty and so was my commute.

Hint: Water doesn't make your car stop driving.

You're Not Smart

2008-06-04T18:03:00.001-05:00

You need DuhCorp

Does your PHP network have double back-end XHTML redundancy? Is your PDA hard drive triple access enabled for Wi-Fi management? If you don't have end-point security in your adaptive architecture strategy, then you need us.

You might not even know if you need us. Which means you need us even more. You don't understand how much you need us because you're not as smart as us. You don't understand things like Continuous Network Access Compliance Upload Speed (even though you pretend like you do at parties when people talk about it). You don't understand these things because you're not smart. But that's OK. We're smart. You can trust us.

If you hire us, you'll never see us in person. We might respond to your emails from time-to-time, but usually not. It's not that we're too busy to talk to you, it's just that your emails are usually so stupid that we're too busy laughing about them with everyone in the office.

I'm calling them today.

Move Complete

2008-06-04T11:58:00.001-05:00

Have I mentioned to you how much I fucking hate moving? Well, if I haven't, I'm doing it now.

I fucking hate moving.

We reserved a 16 foot covered trailer for the move but were overjoyed to discover that U-Haul only had a 12 foot uncovered trailer left on the lot at the agreed upon pickup time. Needless to say my smile was strained trying to contain all the profanity and death-threats.

We managed to finish packing the first load in about an hour and arrived at the new place about an hour later. I unfortunately had to dispose of my rickety entertainment center which sucks. If anyone has an extra one they'd like to donate to the cause, I"d be happy to figure out a way to ship it to me.

Anyway, the second load-in went much slower as it was more small stuff and more cleaning was done in between. For the first time in my life my knees hurt like I wasn't 21. By the end of the day (almost 12 hours later) I could barely walk down stairs. Even the big hill at the back of my new complex was torture on the knees.

I never want to do that again. Hopefully I'll be rich enough by the next move to hire somebody to do it for me.

Garbage Disposal Update: Also, my father informed me of a rather awesome way to fix the trashed garbage disposal. I guess there is a slot for an allen wrench underneath that allows you to move the blades backwards. This dislodged the wedged glass bits and allowed the machine to function properly. I doubt I'll be getting any security back anyway (my roommate was horribly messy) but at least I don't have to hear about a broken disposal.

Remember This Vow

2008-06-04T11:46:00.001-05:00

I have a strong suspicion Obama will reneg on this when push comes to shove:

Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said on Wednesday Iran posed a "grave" danger in the Middle East and vowed to stop it from acquiring a nuclear weapon.

"The danger from Iran is grave, it is real, and my goal will be to eliminate this threat," Obama said in a speech to a conference of the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, a pro-Israel lobby group.

"I will do everything in my power to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon -- everything," he said to a standing ovation.

Is Obama aware that, as President of the United States, full-scale military invasion is within is power?

Just wondering.

Moron of the Day: Oh, Somebody Knows

2008-06-04T08:44:00.002-05:00

One need only look at the United Nations to witness that staggering apex of human stupidity. Observe:

"Nobody understands how $11 to $12 billion a year of subsidies in 2006 and protective tariff policies have had the effect of diverting 100 million tonnes of cereals from human consumption, mostly to satisfy a thirst for fuel for vehicles," said FAO head Jacques Diouf, opening the summit at the body's Rome headquarters.

This statement is so absurdly stupid that I feel a desperate need to believe he is joking. Why, it is almost like some magical force drives prices up when demand is artificially inflated by subsidies and protection.

Even better? The solution found by these dipshits is to subsidize food production on the other side! Of course, this will just cause the prices to rise again as the two sides get into a government funded bidding war with other people's money.

People actually want to put these helmeted retards in charge of the whole planet?

Crossposted at doubleplusundead

I Want A Fatwa

2008-06-03T23:25:00.003-05:00

Yup, that ought to do it.
P.S.: If you are over five years old and think that's funny, can you let me know? I'm curious if I need therapy.
I laughed for like ten minutes when I thought of doing this.
P.P.S.: Alice H. was right, white penises show up way better.

Crossposted at doubleplusundead.

Best Named Awful Video Games

2008-06-02T19:51:00.003-05:00

I've been holding onto this for a rainy day. I present to you, ten video games with the most bizarre fucking names you've ever heard:

The Simple 2000 series of budget games had a pretty dull start. It began with generic games with names like "The Cameraman," "The Tennis," "The Dungeon RPG," and "The License Acquisition Simulation -Version for Revised Road Traffic Laws." Eventually they apparently tapped every conceivable dull title possible. Then they started getting weird. Later titles included "The Large Beautiful Woman," which featured a giant woman in a bikini destroying a city, and "The Love Horror Adventure: Drifting Girl," which was about my last relationship. Volume 95 in English, in case you were wondering why such a stupid title took #1, is "Zombies Against Ambulances."

Zombies. Against. Ambulances.

My favorite game name is actually "Irritating Stick" but the description of the Simple2000 series of games leaves little to be desired. For fuck sake, I honestly want "The Large Beautiful Woman."

Rampage has nothing on that!

Crossposted at doubleplusundead

Moving On Up

2008-06-02T17:23:00.005-05:00

I've been asked to co-blog at the fantastic doubleplusundead and have graciously and eagerly accepted.

Don't worry fans and subscribers, Moron Pundit will continue to be updated regularly. Some material will be cross-posted but much will be independently placed at either location.

Keep stopping by and, of course, check out doubleplusundead.

Scandi For Life: Denmark Won't Back Down

2008-06-02T11:43:00.001-05:00

While Denmark's masturbate-a-thon makes me want to pretend I'm Irish, they make me proud more often than not:

Denmark on Monday deplored a deadly car bombing targeting its embassy in Pakistan in the worst anti-Danish attack since the 2006 crisis over cartoons depicting the prophet Muhammad.
At least six people were killed and dozens wounded in the attack in the Pakistani capital, Islamabad, officials and witnesses said.

Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen called the bombing "an attack against Denmark."

But he said Denmark would not be cowed by terrorists.

"Denmark will not alter its policy because of a terror attack," he told reporters. "We will not give in to terrorists. We will maintain the foreign and security policy line we have been leading."

If only the citizens of Spain had half the resolve and spine of the Danish.

But they don't. No, Scandis are uniquely badass with their battle axes, horned helmets and affinity for speed death metal. Everyone else just wishes they had the guts to fill their pockets with salt and eat in the bathroom.

I Now Pronounce You Party A and Party B

2008-06-02T08:14:00.001-05:00

I was never very interested in the gay marriage debate. It wasn't that I didn't care about the "plight" of homosexuals wanting to get married (marriage is a human right? Puhlease.) I just didnt' care at all either way. I couldn't figure out why anyone was getting that excited about it.

Now I see evidence that gay marriage will cheapen the institution. Get a load of this shit:

The state Department of Public Health -- which serves as State Registrar and oversees vital records -- said in an announcement that June 16 is the last day the state Supreme Court can rule on any requests for re-hearing. It released new marriage license forms for counties to use beginning the following day.

The new forms, which were also released, have lines for "Party A" and "Party B."

How fucking romantic. Party A and Party B. Sounds like their cosigning on a car loan.

Best part? Everyone has to use the same form so if you are hetero and getting married you're still A and B, not man and wife. No wonder my generation has completely lost interest in marriage. Thanks for fucking it up you useless, free-love, if it feels good do it hippies.

Freedom!!!!!!111eleventy

2008-06-01T13:47:00.002-05:00

The move is complete. I now realize that I am no longer 18 and that my knees do not like carrying 50 pound boxes up and down stairs.

This getting older* stuff really sucks.

* - I say older so my elders don't jump down my throat for complaining. I'll just say that the difference between 28 and 25 is pretty impressive in terms of joint pain.

Also, getting older is far better than the alternative.

Maybe Ace Is Right

2008-05-31T08:56:00.004-05:00

No matter how much I love being a Scandi, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be associated with this:

Organizers of Denmark's first "Masturbate-a-thon," set to be held at a suburban Ishoj nightclub, say more than 60 men and women are registered to compete.

The organizers said participants will masturbate in front of the assembled crowd and will then be judged in several categories -- including farthest ejaculation and longest orgasm

As Real Sex demonstrated, these types of events are sadly dominated by precisely the people you don't want to see doing it.

On behalf of Scandis everywhere, I'm sorry, Earth. Very, very sorry.

Yup, Still Alive

2008-05-30T13:16:00.001-05:00

You know the old joke "They say married men live longer... but it just seems that way."

Well, moving must make you immortal. Lucky for me, I get to spend all day tomorrow doing that which I loathe most. Also, I got to take a vacation day again in which I did not enjoy myself.

See you after the move.

Moron of the Day: Zero Carbon Footprint

2008-05-28T09:59:00.001-05:00

These fucktards really do want to return to the dark ages:

Strapping a queen-size mattress to a bike trailer with bungee cords and straps Saturday morning, Colin Stevens says not to worry.
It looks like a giant stingray perched on a deck of cards, its wingspan hovering above thin air. But he's done this before -- moving his own bed by bicycle -- so he knows it works.
"I've acquired a nickname from some people - 'Haulin' Colin,'" said Stevens, a car-free welder who tows salvaged material behind him on his bike.
That was just one of the human-powered vehicles Central Area residents Joe Goldberg and Venessa Brown used to ferry all their belongings in a "zero-carbon move" this weekend.
Their goal: move a household of two adults and five-year-old twin boys without burning fossil fuels that contribute to global warming.

We'll leave aside for the moment that the Earth has been cooling for a decade and is likely to continue for at least another.

I'd like to take issue with the moronic belief that their bike-riding hijinks didn't "[burn] fossil fuels that contribute to global warming."

First, the various compounds used to produce his bike required enormous amounts of CO2 be produced. How about the tires? I hate to report that those are made from oil and had to be processed at great expense to poor, desperate Gaia. Also, I wonder, did this drooling shitwit grow all of his own tofu and granola? No? Was it... imported? He looks like he's burning a lot of calories!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! EARTH-RAPER!!!!!11

The worst part, of course, is the implication that we should all return to a world where we needed to physically haul our belongings around like pioneers in covered wagons. Well, they may not mind if BILLIE DIED OF CHOLERA or YOU FORDED THE COLORADO RIVER: You lost 3 Wagon Wheels, 2 Axles, 23 Pounds of Food, Jane Died, Cletus Died but I most certainly do.

This weekend I'll be using a truck and trailer to get my shit from A to B, thank you very much.

(h/t: Alice H., a person who would have the greatest blog in the world with her sources but seems content to pawn stories off on other bloggers.)

95%

2008-05-27T20:58:00.001-05:00

Beat my score, morons.

This Blog Sucks

2008-05-26T21:27:00.003-05:00

Well, even if it didn't, it would for the next week. I am moving on Saturday and will be involved in packing and cleaning my old apartment. God, I hate moving.

There may be a few short posts but good stuff like Ask a Moron will have to wait until I'm in my new digs. Luckily, you've got dozens of amazing Moron Blogs to explore while I'm gone.

Thanks for stopping by and wish me luck!

Face Recognition

2008-05-24T18:28:00.002-05:00

This is a pretty cool technology even though my results are... well, odd. I don't think I look particularly like anyone on the list which includes two Asian men, a woman and that kid from Hanson... which is basically a woman.

Moron of the Day: Child Trafficking

2008-05-24T18:10:00.003-05:00

You know what would be a really fucking funny joke? Putting your baby up on e-bay:

Authorities in Bavaria, southern Germany, have taken a seven-month-old boy into care after his parents offered him for sale on eBay "as a joke".

The unnamed child was advertised as a "nearly-new baby" with a starting price of one euro (£0.80, $1.6).

Police have launched an investigation into possible child-trafficking by the infant's father, 24, and mother, 23.

The mother told a German newspaper: "It was only a joke. I just wanted to see if someone would make an offer."

What a couple of helmet-wearing fuckbuckets. I get so irritated when parents think it is funny to get their kids drunk or watch them fight, apparently, offer them up for sale on the internet. It's funny when your dog is drunk, not your fucking child.

On the other hand, I still don't feel comfortable with the government's ability to matter-of-factly take their child without any obvious abuse or mistreatment. It probably was a joke and I don't think that making a joke, even a truly vile and tasteless one, should result in the loss of a child.

Unfortunately, it is just the continuation of a trend. More and more it appears the government is actually the legal owners of your children and can, for whatever or no reason, take them from you under the threat of violence.

These people are retards but a retard telling a stupid joke doesn't warrant the permanent separation of parent and child. It just doesn't.

And since we're on the topic of children, here are some pictures of my perfect, wonderful spawn.

Unrealistic Steven Seagal Jobs

2008-05-24T17:36:00.003-05:00

I'm busy packing for my move next weekend but I thought I'd throw a little weekend silly your way. Cracked has a list (NO FUCKING WAY!) of the least plausible Steven Seagal jobs.

Also, there's this:

I'm A ManChild

2008-05-23T18:40:00.002-05:00

Therefore, all I have to say about this is:

I Demand Photoshop

2008-05-22T22:39:00.001-05:00

I figure by the end of this campaign, Obama will have thrown pretty much everyone he knows under the bus. Wouldn't it be great to have a picture of Obama behind the wheel of a bus stuck on a pile of corpses?

Awesome.

Somebody make it. This I command!

Honor

2008-05-22T13:28:00.001-05:00

Most arguments these days about Iraq focus on whether or not we should be there, the existence of WMD, national security interests or the cost of the war. Unfortunately, every one of these arguments missed the real reason we can never abandon the Iraqis.

Honor.

When we entered their country, killed their dictator and dismantled their military, we made a promise. We promised, as a nation, to deliver them from tyranny into a better future. In the above picture, you can see that both the American soldier and the child cowering behind him are very aware of this promise.

Throughout history this is how people reacted to the news that America was on their side:

No American will think it wrong of me if I proclaim that to have the United States at our side was to me the greatest joy. I could not foretell the course of events. I do not pretend to have measured accurately the martial might of Japan, but now at this very moment I knew the United States was in the war, up to the neck and in to the death. So we had won after all! Yes, after Dunkirk; after the fall of France; after the horrible episode of Oran; after the threat of invasion, when, apart from the Air and the Navy, we were an almost unarmed people; after the deadly struggle of the U-boat war -- the first Battle of the Atlantic, gained by a hand's breadth; after seventeen months of lonely fighting and nineteen months of my responsibility in dire stress, we had won the war. England would live; Britain would live; the Commonwealth of Nations and the Empire would live. How long the war would last or in what fashion it would end, no man could tell, nor did I at this moment care. Once again in our long Island history we should emerge, however mauled or mutiliated, safe and victorious. We should not be wiped out. Our history would not come to an end. We might not even have to die as individuals. Hitler's fate was sealed. Mussolini's fate was sealed. As for the Japanese, they would be ground to powder. All the rest was merely the proper application of overwhelming force. The British Empire, the Soviet Union, and now the United States, bound together with every scrap of their life and strength, were, according to my lights, twice or even thrice the force of their antagonists. No doubt it would take a long time. I expected terrible forfeits in the East; but all this would be merely a passing phase. United we could subdue everybody else in the world. Many disasters, immeasurable cost and tribulation lay ahead, but there was no more doubt about the end.

Silly people -- and there were many, not only in enemy countries -- might discount the force of the United States. Some said they were soft, others that they would never be united. They would fool around at a distance. They would never come to grips. They would never stand blood-letting. Their democracy and system of recurrent elections would paralyze their war effort. They would be just a vague blur on the horizon to friend or foe. Now we should see the weakness of this numerous but remote, wealthy, and talkative people. But I had studied the American Civil War, fought out to the last desperate inch. American blood flowed in my veins. I thought of a remark which Edward Grey had made to me more than thirty years before -- that the United States is like "a gigantic boiler. Once the fire is lighted under it there is no limit to the power it can generate." Being saturated and satiated with emotion and sensation, I went to bed and slept the sleep of the saved and thankful.

There is a reason Churchill spoke as he did and throughout the bulk of the 20th century the United States never gave any of the world's victims a reason to doubt our resolve when we said we'd help them. Our honor was unblemished. Our word was good.

Then, in Vietnam, millions paid the price for our eagerness to remove ourselves from a conflict that tested our resolve. The damage done to our honor by abandoning millions we'd sworn to protect can not be overstated. Much of our current trouble is a direct result of that and subsequent dishonorable withdrawals from theaters all over the world. In Lebanon, Somalia and Iraq we dipped our toes in the pool but decided it was just too cold and went back home. Because of our timidity, many innocents paid prices we Americans can scarcely imagine.

Now many voices in America speak of the high cost in blood and treasure, the lack of real American strategic interests*, the "lofty" ideals of cultural relativism and urge us to abandon yet another group of people dependent on us for their future. I say our honor cannot survive such an action. Whatever cost we must pay in blood and treasure will be a small one compared to the cost of further tarnishing our already battered honor. Without us, Iraq will devolve into desperate anarchy, make no mistake. Without the sacrifice of thousands of young Americans, millions more will die or be enslaved.

We can no more abandon the Iraqi people than the soldier above could step away from the child he is protecting. It is the duty of the strong to protect the weak. It is our duty to protect Iraq.

Our honor demands nothing less.

Morons of the Day: Wisconsin Drivers

2008-05-22T08:27:00.000-05:00

Dear Wisconsin Drivers,

You fucking suck at driving. The most.

The above picture pretty much sums up how I feel about your driving skills as a group. In almost a decade of driving into Chicagoland I saw less accidents than in three months of driving through the Milwaukee area. Almost every day there is an accident slowing down traffic. One clear, sunny day, I saw six fucking cars off the road. How the hell does this happen? Do they even teach you to drive? For the love of God, even a police officer pulling over a speeder causes several miles of stop and go traffic. Several miles. What the fuck are you people doing, taking pictures?

One of the things that really irritates me is the complete lack of cause for traffic delays in Milwaukee. In Chicago, three times the volume of cars will be cruising along at 80 mph in exactly the same number of lanes. You know why they get away with that? Because they know how to fucking drive. I'm not saying they know how to obey every law and drive 'defensively*.' I'm saying they have talent at driving, something Wisconsin, as a state, needs to work on.

I feel very much alone here as I drive as if, I don't know, I have somewhere to fucking be. This is why, as a stranger in a strange land, I will list a few things Wisconsinites as a group are incapable of:

Understanding the purpose of the left lane: The left lane is for fucking passing. Passing. Not cruising. Not talking on your cell phone. Not staring into the sky and drooling as you roll along well below the speed limit. If there is not a car to your right, you should not be in the left lane. Ever. If you are driving at or below the speed limit you should also avoid the left lane at all costs. If I have to fucking move to the right to get around one more minivan driving 55 in a 65 in the left lane, I'll spontaneously develop telekinetic powers and the death toll will rise into the millions
Merging: For some reason the act of merging on the freeway requires the Wisconsin driver to slam on his breaks at 65 in order to slow to a reasonable 0 mph before recklessly swerving into the moving lanes of traffic, bringing them to an abrupt halt. In this way, human misery is maximized and the flow of traffic halted in all lanes. On some serendipitous occasions, massive pileups are also produced! How about, instead of ruining my commute, you suck on the barbed cock of Satan?
Figure out the complexities of entering/exiting the Interstate: I'll explain this slowly because I'm nearly certain nobody in Wisconsin understands this. The purpose of that long stretch of road leading to the interstate (called an on ramp) is to accelerate to freeway speeds before you are on the freeway. Entering the freeway at 45 mph and then accelerating is exactly not what you want to do. Also, I'll reveal a secret about those long stretches of road leading away from the freeway. Those are called off ramps and their purpose is decelerating from freeway speeds. This makes it completely unnecessary to slow down to 40 mph on the freeway before meandering onto the on ramp as you turn on your blinker.
Proper Use of the Turn Signal: Once again I'll explain this slowly because I'm pretty sure this is escaping you, too. In order for the signal to achieve its goal of informing fellow drivers of your intentions, it must be activated before you begin the impending maneuver. If you are already slowing down, signalling right as you turn does little but prove to me that you need to wear a helmet when you go to the bathroom. The tape over your break lights and broken bumper clearly express to me your consistency with this behavior and perhaps your insurance company would appreciate it if you started warning the driver behind you before you slow down for what seems to be no reason. Also, it is physically possible to turn your signal off after you've merged/turned/whatever.

Anyone else want to yell at bad drivers? Do it in the comments. Maybe some horror stories from other places in the country will make me feel better about my commute.

* - Defensive driving is a practice that, in my opinion, causes nearly every accident on the road. People that are dedicated to the practice implement it by way of driving extremely slowly, making movements timidly and without warning and practically ceasing to be aware of their surroundings. It is as if, by driving slowly, they believe God will protect them. Of course, by the time the three car pileup you caused stops burning you're three miles (45 minutes) down the freeway driving 15 under in the left lane with your right blinker on. Douche bags.

Moron of the Day: Moron Pundit

2008-05-20T14:13:00.001-05:00

This story requires a little background so bear with me.

A few weeks ago, my baby-momma went on a business trip to Seattle leaving me with my daughter for over a week. When she returned she brought me a shot glass that said "Seattle" on it. Nifty. Well, the next weekend, my friend came over to watch a movie and we had an inaugural shot of Yaeger from my new shot glass! Excelsior!

Weeks pass.

This past weekend, I decided it might be a good idea to wash all of my daughter's bottles and nipples so she might be able to, you know, eat. I began to wash things but had to stop because the water drain appeared to be clogged. I started the disposal.

Crash.

Oh shit. That isn't the sound a garbage disposal makes! I may be frightfully ignorant in most arenas but I know what sound a fucking disposal makes. Crash is not that sound. Even more alarming, after the initial cat in a wood-chipper sound, all noise ceased. Just fucking great. Who needs the security deposit money anyway?

I unplugged the device (I have a crippling fear of grinding my hand to paste) and began fishing around inside. After pulling out three nipples, I realized I had been mistaken in my impression that the little rubber flaps in some way prevented large objects from falling into the drain. Feeling that I had more than cleared the obstruction, I fired up the old disposal again.

Bzzzzhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... click. Silence.

Well, fuck. What the hell else could be in there?

So again, I unplug the device and start fishing around in the dark, toothy maw of my garbage disposal.

Wait, that's toothier than I remember. Am I bleeding? Boy fucking howdy I am! And how!

Turns out there was more than a few baby nipples in there. That lovely shot glass had also been down the drain when I first activated the disposal and had been automagically transformed into a funhouse of pointy glass shards arrayed in whatever formation most facilitated me tearing my hand to bloody, useless ribbons.*

I fucking rule.

So, anyone know how best to remove wedged glass shards from a garbage disposal without having to take it apart?

* - I may be exaggerating a tiny bit.

Is anything going on?

2008-05-20T11:38:00.001-05:00

I looked around the news and all I found were these stupid primaries in South Ohio and West Idaho, two very unimportant states when compared to the other 58.

Predictions: Obama wins West Idaho by slightly more than the predicted margin but loses Kentucky by a scathing amount. Clinton still drops out of the race by the end of the month as predicted by me, Moron Pundit.

I'll look for some regular feature fodder when I get home from work.

Media Desperation

2008-05-19T10:34:00.001-05:00

I think it is funny how desperate the media is to make the Democratic primary remain interesting and suspenseful even though it is clearly over. Part of me suspects that this is mostly for themselves as the entire presidential election will be over for them after Obama is the nominee. They certianly won't be describing the race between McCain and Obama as close as soon as it starts.

Their golden boy is unbeatable. He's going to win a 57 state landslide! Google it!

Nothing Going On

2008-05-19T09:52:00.001-05:00

The news is about as exciting as a Hannah Montana autobiography so you're going to get a whole lot of fucking nothing from me today. I hear that two more of our nation's 58 states are having primaries tomorrow and that Hillary? may actually be catching Obama in Oregon.

She won't. It's more likely Blue Thunder beats Airwolf in a fight. No fucking way.

If you're bored, there is a several thousand word monstrosity of an Ask a Moron below. Fucking zombies.

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - Know Thine Enemy

2008-05-16T17:54:00.011-05:00

...previously...

Ash has never wanted a radio or television signal more than he does right now. For the last several hours he has tried futilely to sleep through the groans of the hungry dead. They arrived as the sun dipped behind the horizon and now seem to be milling about outside without purpose or awareness. The defenses have not been tested and all are safe for the time being. Still, the mere knowledge of their presence is enough to rob even the most stoic and disciplined person of sleep.

First Night

During the first night, one of the firearms-savvy members of Ash's gang keeps watch and it has been required that he take notes on the behavior of the lingering undead. One of the cheif reasons for remaining stationary for the time being was to ensure enough intelligence to confidently and safely escape from the city. While it may seem prudent to get out of the city as quickly as possible there are several reasons this is a stupid idea.

First, during the initial periods there is a maximum of chaos and confusion. Not only do you need to be highly concerned about the zombie menace but also fellow, panicked humans. It is often and correctly noted that a person is smart but people are morons. Throw in the end of the world an you are looking at a massive army of self-interested, frantic retards charging off without any plan or real destination. In other words, dangerous people.

Second, it is not yet clear if escaping will even be necessary. Evidently, the machinery of society has broken down but it may yet be repaired. Even in the best of circumstances the pendulum of government, once pushed, takes some time to swing back and address the situation. The military may yet control the threat. The scientific community still has the capacity to reverse the zombie plague. Hell (pun intended), religion may yet find a way to set the dead to rest.

Finally, and most importantly: You only get one shot at this. It can not be overemphasized that the smallest miscalculation could get you outmaneuvered and it only takes one tiny bite to destroy your entire coterie. Knowing that you are currently in a relatively secure location allows you to gather information and process your surroundings while plans are formulated. When the nature of the enemy and the condition of surviving humantiy is better understood, and only then, a cautious, meticulous escape should be attempted.

Lying Low

If you're anything like me, your first impulse would be to load up the guns, walk out on the balcony and from that relatively safe position start giving the zombies nicknames and blowing their heads off Dawn of the Dead style. Surely, combining the fun of wonton destruction with the murder of zombies couldn't be bad. Sadly, this approach would be wasteful and irresponsible at best and potentially disasterous at worst depending on the nature of the foes. One of the most important known unknowns is the method by which the undead search for and locate their prey. Are they drawn to loud noise or scared of it? Do they seek out humans by scent or merely chase things they can see. Obviously, if they have spread so quickly and pervasively they must have, at the least, retained basic hunting and tracking abilities. Because of these unknowns, firing off half-cocked (again, intended) will at least serve to waste needed ammunition for no strategic or tactical gain and at worst could make you the zombie Guns and Roses. Not an envious position no matter how much you like mosh pits and intravenous alcohol.

Another important aspect to pay attention to is any remaining zombie communication ability. If one zombie locates prey does it move alone to intercept the delicious human flesh or does it in some way signal to the other zombies that dinner's ready? Another important and obvious fact is that the zombies definitely do not stop to completely consume their prey but instead seem to bite each one with the intention of infection then move on to other live prey. Once the victim is dead, it is left to rise partially but not cripplingly consumed. For this reason, any attempt at decoy heroics is effectively a suicide and saves noone. If Ash sees any of his friends run off in an attempt to 'draw them away' he is liable to shoot them before they get the chance.

So, for the time being, the night watchman looks out a small hole in the defenses and notes each movement and interaction, hoping morbidly to see them hunt, to see them swarm in order to increase desperately needed knowledge. Much of the escape strategy will depend on these factors.

Strategery

Communicative zombies (Swarming Zombies) will tend to swarm giving opportunities for mass slaughter should the weapons be available and the need arise. Also, these swarms will serve to present a solid front against which our heroes can direct their defense. Dinner bell grunts will also serve as a warning should one zombie notice you before you notice it. The worst scenario with Swarming Zombies is being caught in the open with no method of faster-than-zombie travel. You will want to avoid being seen at all by the various clots of zombies throughout the city. For this reason, travelling by backroads and alleys allows necessary cover at the expense of possible surprise by the odd stragler. This is a small price to pay to avoid an angry throng of Swarming Zombies in the middle of main street. Any lone zombies will need to be killed on sight to prevent any attempt at calling to friends. You will also want to move quickly as any loud noise may start to draw Swarming Zombies and you will want to stay ahead of them. Initiative is the key to dealing with Swarming Zombies.

Non-Communicative zombies (Ninja Zombies) will pose a different threat by, in effect, sneaking up on you. Because they make no attempt to warn their brethren or bring friends to the party they will be randomly dispersed through any given area and will not make their presence known before attempting to fill their bellies. This scenario demands an almost completely reverse strategy from the previous one. Stalking through back alleys and side streets only serves to more completely put you at the mercy of random chance and get you bit by surprise behind a dumpster. In this case it is preferable to move on the widest, most open locations and deal with each zombie as it approaches. Walking down the center of an empty street gives you several yards of unobstructed line of sight with which to mow down the undead. Also, moving too quickly serves no purpose as no vast shambling horde is attempting to catch you. Cautious, determined advancement through the city will serve best. Unfortunately, this scenario also requires more weapons and ammuntion to accomplish. There will be way more fire fights.

Tightening Belts

The rising sun brings with it memories of a different world but also the familiar pangs of hunger. It is decided that food will be rationed at a level that uses as little food as possible while maintaining alertness and physical fitness in the survivors. An inventory of current supplies is taken and it is determined that there is enough food for three weeks before totally being exhausted. Unfortunately, this adds a time element to the escape plan which disallows waiting until all conditions are ideal. Three weeks into the future, ready or not, these neighbors will have to move out.

So far, the power remains on by whatever automatic mechanism exists but all forms of communication are completely down. It is clearly impossible to get messages to any of the other groups Ash talked with before contact was lost. It is then necessary to trust that each group rememembers the plan of extraction. There are three locations to which Ash must go before leaving the town. If these are fucking Ninja Zombies, they'll add another stop before they get moving.

Also during this time, any members of the group that aren't trained in the use of firearms (damned hippies) are taught the basics of loading, aiming and firing a gun. Well, as much as can be taught without actually, you know, firing the fucking gun. With a dearth of trained marksmen, it is strongly hoped that these aren't Ninja Zombies but coming events will make that determination as plain as day.

An Unfortunate Example

Several days come and go without any notable occurances. Several dozen zombies have passed by the limited line of sight and at any given time over a dozen are visible. They do not seem to be engaged in any activity other than shambling about and randomly twitching. They also don't seem to be coagulting as Swarming Zombies probably would but without the presences of prey, it is impossible to truly test that theory. Unfortunately for the young man creeping through the parking lot, Ash is about to get his evidence.

He makes his way cautiously along the edge of the building across the parking lot attempting to stay low and make no noise. The dozen or so zombies in his immediate area are arrayed facing nearly random directions but so far none are looking in his particular direction and that seems to be the method by which he chooses his path. Unfortunately for him, Ash can see a zombie behind a parked van that will surely see him should he continue in the direction he is going. Ash does nothing.

As much as possible I wish to avoid morality in any great measure during these posts but I believe this particular situation warrants a little moral exloration. Is it moral to do nothing and nearly ensure by your inaction the death of this stranger. Obviously, yes. At this stage of the game we can only assume that any attempt at warning the young man will result in garnering the unwanted attention of some hungry, rotting people. For that reason, any behavior that might risk creating this level of sound is absolutely, morally unacceptable. This poor stranger attempting to get by will almost certainly die but the many in the building with Ash will survive, at least for now. Sadly, the survivors of a zombie apocalypse will face many such disturbing decisions and very few of them will be less morally ambiguous or feel more humane. So Ash just watches as this man becomes a victim.

The young man walks past the corner of the parked van and enters the zombie's line of sight, prompting an immediate and rather quick reaction. It takes a moment for him to react to the closing shambler and in that moment the short distance between them has been covered. He swings his club at the zombie but the blow is glancing and only serves to cock the zombie's head to the side as it takes it's first, fatal bite. Ash notices what didn't happen. The zombie did not make any noise. The man's screams, however, alert the nearby zombies to the presense of food. Fucking Ninja Zombies.

Ash adds the gun store to his list of destinations with a sigh.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at the address on the sidebar.

New Ask A Moron: Zombie Invasion Tonight

2008-05-16T14:47:00.002-05:00

Also, with the disintegrating political situation, another great Ask A Moron question is on the front burner. This one will also require some work but has the added benefit of involving maps.

Stay tuned!

You Want Audacity? I Got Your Audacity Right Here*

2008-05-16T12:11:00.004-05:00

For these fucking balls are metallic and produce an overwhelming gravitational pull:

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has issued a new directive that seeks to protect information from "telephones, text messaging devices and pagers" from public disclosure under the Freedom of Information Act. But the Free Press says city officials and legal observers don't think the new policy will stand up in court.

Because he has a deep and unflinching dedication to personal privacy, even at the work place? Fuck no! Because the text messages sent on his fucking work phone are currently the chief evidence against him on a range of charges.

Kwame declined to comment when asked, "How the fuck do you carry those things without a wheel-barrow?" and, "Where do you buy your pants? The elephant store?"

In other news, astronomers are frantically discussing the possible earth-destroying ramifications of Mayor Kilpatrick's balls.

"It really is too early to tell," said Narg Dweebson of the North American Destructive Gravitational Objects Bureau. "If they continue to grow at this rate, we could find the Earth's orbit disrupted." When asked about the worst case scenario, Dr. Dweebson responded, "A black hole. Wait, is that racist?"

* - This was pretty much all made up too.

Moron of the Day: M-O-O-N, That Spells Moron*

2008-05-16T09:17:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure this guy reads my blog:

The man pointed to the moon and asked, "Is that a half moon?" the officer said in the report.
"I asked the defendant if he dialed 911 to ask the question," the officer said in the report. "The man said he did."

He later asked philosophically, "I wonder who owns that moon" to which the officer responded with a poem:

The Moon laughs knowingly.

The Moon laughts.

The Moon.

The.

They are now moving to California to get married.

* - This post is untrue almost in its entirety.

Superdelegates

2008-05-16T08:59:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else find it funny that the Democrats, a party where the fucking name implies total servitude to the popular vote, is the party that has a primary process that can almost completely invalidate the voice of the people? It fucking rocks.

At least the Republicans stick to their republican ideals in the structure of their primary.

There you go, there's one place.

The Hoodlums on the Bus Go Pound and Pound

2008-05-16T08:53:00.002-05:00

Shortly after hearing that bus drivers in Milwaukee sometimes make in excess of $100,000 per year, we get some evidence that they may deserve it:

Officials in Milwaukee, Wisconsin are looking for a man accused of attacking a city bus driver during his route and the beating is caught on tape.

The surveillance video was released on Thursday.

In the video, you can see a man running onto the bus and yelling like a madman. He punched the stunned driver and even tried to pull him out of his seat. And this all took place while the bus was moving.

The bus drivers union says operators deal with a lot. "This is one of the most severe assaults I've seen," said a union representative.

Watch the video: it is brutal.

This is just more evidence that Milwaukee is rapidly declining into a Detroit-style ghetto in some places while the government nears the apex of incompetence and corruption. Awesome combo.

Living the Moron Lifestyle

2008-05-16T08:36:00.003-05:00

Have you ever woken up, gotten in the shower and noticed a penny on the floor in there? Then you think to yourself, "Self, the only way that fucking penny got in here is because it was somehow stuck to your body." Then you start thinking about what type of lifestyle one must lead to be in a position to have a penny stuck to him.

I need a wife. Badly.

P.S.: Dear blog,

Please place the attached picture at the top of the blog post without any shenanigans or, as recommended by Old Iron and DPUD, you will face the stinging back of my pimphand.

Blog better have my money.

Love,

Moron Pundit

You've Got Mail

2008-05-15T11:41:00.001-05:00

Dear Blog,

It's me, your old pal Moron Pundit. Just thought I'd check in from work and have you post this letter to the blog. I know you are used to a more intimiate interface but I thought I'd try posting by electronic mail (it's on COMPUTERS now!)

Since you'll be automatically putting this on the site, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't format this all shitty so I looked like a retard. I know I am a retard, I just don't want to look like one. Also, I'd prefer that you don't insert a bunch of blank space or leave any tags open that might cause the entire page to explode like Michael Moore's enormous head in Team America.

Wasn't that a great fucking movie, by the way? Yes, I enjoyed it, too. I especially enjoyed the parts where loudmouth, Hollywood fucksticks got brutally murdered in numerous, creative ways. I also liked all the poop and vomit humor.

One last thing, Blog. Could you please stop sucking so much? I'd really like it if people came to read you and didn't end up projectile vomiting all over their fancy new LCD monitors.

Sincerely,

Moron Pundit

Wilhelm Scream

2008-05-14T18:32:00.002-05:00

S. Weasel describes the history of this classic movie element so I thought I'd pile on:

That calls for a Wilhelm scream!

Fuck the Republicans: Where do we go from here?

2008-05-14T18:12:00.006-05:00

dpud demonstrates just how completely useless the Republican party has become:

Okay, how pitiful is it that MSNBC of all places has a better understanding of what the problem is than the NRCC?

Let Rome burn.

Ok. I'm with you guys. Fuck the Republican Party. But we need to have a conservative party and with the inevitable wreckage caused by the implosion of a century old party we'll need to start a new one.

Is that even feasible? Do we abandon the ENTIRE party or just McCain?

Can the country recover from Obama as President and a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate and a 2/3 majority in the house?

What about at the state and local level? Surely we don't abandon that because it would allow them to pass fucking AMENDMENTS at will and we certainly can't have that.

I'm not being devil's advocate. I'm fucking tired of the Republicans. Now where do we go instead?

Let's be honest, a total abandoning of the Republican party by its conservative base would give hyper-majorities to the Democrats and I don't have to tell you what that looks like:

WE HAVE PUT THE REINS OF POWER IN THE HANDS OF THE CHILDREN!!!!!!1111

Oh, I'm sorry about that but it had to be done. Look on the bright side, if you ever suffer from priapism you've got a handy cure.

Anyway, Captain Cheer and Light and the Socialism Brigade can't be allowed unfettered access to the reins of power. That She-Man Capitalism-Hater's Club would quickly get into shenanigans that would be less adorable than catastrophic.

Like I said, I'm all for the deep sixing the Republican Party (I don't draw penises willy-nilly, you know) but we need an intelligent alternative.

What do you think?

P.S.: Yes, I'm still giggling about those pictures. It's like I'm five.

Moron of the Day: My Commenters

2008-05-14T17:50:00.004-05:00

My commenters fucking rocked today.

First, in response to this post, dmoss made me laugh out loud at work:

Photoshopping Mel Gibson's face onto Greta was pure genius.

Second, an awesome backhanded (but accurate) compliment that I intend to wear with pride for the rest of my days:

You are a typing monkey who manages to be accidentally thoughtful and improbably endearing.

Fuck yeah.

Sorry for the dearth of posting today. I've been getting assrammed by work and they just installed some rather draconian web-tracking software. I'll be trying Blogger's email an entry feature later. Hopefully that'll work.

Otherwise, it'll be evening drunk blogging for all. Expect a new Zombie Invasion Ask a Moron tomorrow.

Blogging Is A Fickle Bitch

2008-05-13T20:57:00.003-05:00

Have you ever written a piece you were particularly proud of and had no response to it? Then you write a piece you barely notice and it gets all the attention. You are happily surprised to discover this until you notice a glaring grammatical error in a piece that has been read by fifty times as many people as your favorite post.

That's right. You're a blogging retard.

Well, maybe not you. But I am.

It's almost like I have no idea what is good. This leads me to be, basically, a random post generator spewing forth post after post with no editorial narrative or common thematic elements. I attempt to categorize and focus my efforts into running post lines but in reality I just skim through an RSS feed and, like monkeys typing Shakespeare, fling stories out into the ether in the hopes that someone might read it.

And you do.

So, I guess this is all a really bizarre way of saying thanks for stopping by and please forgive the glaring grammatical and spelling errors. I'm a Moron after all.

Awesome: Gates vs. Jobs

2008-05-13T19:55:00.000-05:00

World's Sexiest Newscaster

2008-05-12T22:03:00.006-05:00

I'm not sure I agree with this but I can tell you who it's not. Greta Van Susteren:

Sorry about the retinal damage - Ed.
I try not to make fun of people based solely on appearance but considering that I hate her 'newscasting' in every way, it is fair game. Every time I see her trucker mouth talking sideways about missing children I feel like headbutting a stucco wall.

Anyway, here is my vote for hottest newscaster:

Julie Banderas from Fox News. Yowza.

Moron of the Day: Or Is He My Hero?

2008-05-12T21:44:00.006-05:00

A man after my own heart:

Police say a tuxedo-clad western New York man was drunk when he took a riding lawn mower out for an early morning spin.

Chautauqua County Sheriff Joseph Gerace said deputies got a report of an intoxicated person at a home in Irving around 1 a.m. Monday. When they arrived, the man was spotted riding away on his mower.

Fucking awesome.

I wonder what they'll charge him with. I know there is a violation for speeding in golf carts and DUI in a golf cart. I do a lot of work with state driving violations and they never cease to amaze me. For example, DUI manslaughter on a bicycle. Remember, they don't make a law until someone does it.

Stupid Palestinians

2008-05-12T21:31:00.002-05:00

This is obviously just a ruse used by the State Department to retain cooperation and respect from the Palestinians until the end of Rice's term as Secretary of State.

There is a "good possibility" Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice could be chosen as Sen. John McCain's presidential running mate, Palestinian officials here say they were told by U.S. politicians in recent days.

"We were told by U.S. politicians there is a good possibility we may still be dealing with Rice in the future, but this time as vice president," one Palestinian official told WND.

And, of course they're stupid enough to believe it.

End of story.

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - They Live

2008-05-12T20:56:00.002-05:00

...previously...

Sleep It Off
Our Hero Ash had a long night Friday night. He went down to the local pub with his friends and drank too many pints so Saturday morning will not be an early one. This perhaps was not the best night to celebrate (or maybe it was). At about the time he was driving himself home the dying were finding the doors to hell shut tight leaving them no choice but get back up and start eating some brains.

In fact, had he paid attention (and not been so buzzed), he may have noticed how many police and emergency vehicles were racing toward downtown (the location of the only hospital in the city) instead of thanking God they hadn't noticed his drunk ass. By the time Ash sleeps this one off, it will be a very different world.

Hell Is Full
Being that these are 'Hell Is Full," not "disease," zombies there is no patient zero but instead a generalized, global dispersal pattern concentrated in health care facilities, war zones, and urban centers. For this reason, effective quarantines will be nearly impossible to enforce and early attempts will result in these military and law enforcement assets being outflanked and routed if not totally obliterated.

Initially, the media will report riots or a disease outbreak while government and emergency agencies attempt to isolate or, eventually, merely slow the spread of this seemingly random violence. Nearly all police and military first responders are totally obliterated before being able to report any valuable intelligence. Similarly, media correspondents sent to the scenes of the chaos will only be able to show fractured accounts from survivors and short, abruptly ending video clips.

By the time the haphazard trickle of information begins to paint an accurate picture of the events that are unfolding, most military and government institutions will have decided to drop back into fully defensive positions to evaluate their options while the media's ability to disperse useful information will have been limited to studio broadcasts. If you can't get a reporter to leave the Green Zone in Baghdad. What fucking reporter would go out into a full-fledged fucking zombie invasion? Well, other than Michael Yon.

Media Matters

This is about when Ash finally stops ignoring his vibrating cell phone and confronts his hangover. A friend from the bar the previous evening simply instructs him to turn on the television. Ash spends the next several minutes flipping through the channels that haven't dropped to test patterns, absorbing as much information as possible. He also reads through as many blogs as possible picking up survival tips from first-hand witnesses and attempting to ignore Glenn Reynolds' "I TOLD YOU SO" about disaster preparedness.

"An Army of Shauns. Heh."

Drudge's deadline is so big that readers' heads often explode. Kos blames Bush. MoveOn shouts "We Let Bush Ramble, Why Not The Dead Shamble?"

The information he gleans is a checklist of zombie movie basics. A seeming army of infected individuals are violently attacking every living human they see. Any human that is bitten, even on an extremity, is immediately infected and within a short interval becomes as aggressive, dimwitted and contagious as the others. The only method by which these undead can be pacified is severe head trauma. Anything less seems only to inconvenience them. Of course, the government is 'doing everything they can' but that doesn't seem like much.

Everyone is pretty much on their own. You know, fucked.

The First Hours

There isn't much to do in the first few hours but ensuring it be done effectively is crucial. First, all doors must be closed, locked and barricaded with large, sturdy furniture. Any window must, as well as possible, be covered and blocked. Ash knows his apartment building has controlled access but doesn't trust the security of the lower levels (sliding glass windows don't make the best fortress walls) and already begins formulating a plan to blockade the stair case should the need arise.

He loads every spare magazine for his pistol and holsters it on his hip. He won't want to be without it for even a moment from now on. Looking outside, he doesn't detect any living dead but he can see large plumes of smoke rising in the distance and, sporadically, the sounds of gunfire or screaming waft in the window. Danger is evidently nearby.

It is critical in these early periods to utilize any technology still available before it inevitably ceases to function. Immediately calls to local family members and friends are made in an attempt to determine who is in a defensible location and who, if not, must relocate. He also uses this time to establish a rendezvous point outside the city that will be the initial staging area after escape has been accomplished. Everyone agrees that time must be taken to study and understand the situation before leaving secured locations. There will only be one shot at this.

Finally, it is determined that three friends will be going to Ash's apartment either because they were at work or because their homes are indefensible. While awaiting their arrival, Ash checks with his neighbors and helps them to secure their apartments as effectively as possible. All first floor apartments are abandoned after the doors are locked and barricaded. Remaining furniture from the downstairs apartments is used to make a blockade of the central stairwell and the double (airlock) security doors are secured. Unfortunately, it is discovered that there are only two firearms among the 12 residents so that will have to do. Ash wishes he lived in Texas about now.

Strict Rules, Tough Decisions

The sun is beginning to dip beyond the horizon by the time Ash's friends finally arrive but still no obvious zombie activity is detected outside the apartment. Before being buzzed in, each of the friends are asked to disrobe completely and allow themselves to be examined through the glass of the security door. After it is demonstrated that they have no bite marks on their body, they are allowed to enter.

Ash knows it is intolerable for someone who is infected or could be infected to be allowed near the living. Were one of the individuals to have a bite mark, it would be imperative that they not be allowed to enter no matter how lucid they seemed or how believable the explanation. At this point, group survival takes precedence over any other consideration. This means absolute adherence to the rules even when following them means certain death for another.

No exceptions.

The First Night
Later that evening the first zombies can be heard rummaging around outside the apartment in the dark. Also, the television and computer are finally shut down as all major media has either gone to test patterns or simply ceased to function. While the power is still on, cell phones have also stopped working. Ash and his tribe of 15 are alone. They settle in for their first night's sleep after the end of the world.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

In Case You Were Wondering...

2008-05-12T18:42:00.004-05:00

China isn't quite a first world country yet no matter what their leaders would have you believe:

Rescuers struggled this morning to reach victims of the devastating earthquake that killed thousands of people in central China and trapped thousands more in the rubble of collapsed schools, factories, hospitals and homes.

Road, rail, air and phone links to the epicentre of the 7.8 magnitude shock were cut, hampering relief efforts and the flow of information on the scale of the catastrophe. Some Chinese troops were marching up to 100 miles through the night to reach affected areas.

When we have major earthquakes in major metropolitan areas, our death tolls are rarely over 100. I'd say China is still closer to Iran's level of development.

Update The confirmed death toll is now nearly 4,000 with tens of thousands still buried. How terrifying. Hopefully they will show up the Burmese junta and allow aid workers into the country. I have to say I'm not very hopeful because as late as last night the government would only admit a few hundred casualties.

From Hillary! to Hillary?

2008-05-12T10:43:00.003-05:00

The "?" stands for "Is she batshit insane or what?"

Her campaign is renewing the argument that if she leads in the popular vote, she should be the Democratic nominee. Hillary is within striking distance of winning the popular vote nationwide -- a key part of our plan to win the nomination," campaign chairman Terry McAuliffe said in a letter to supporters Sunday.
"That means we need every last vote we can get in West Virginia on
Tuesday and in the races to follow."
Her campaign is trying to turn out the vote in the remaining six contests, hoping the popular vote argument will persuade superdelegates to endorse her instead of Obama.

This, of course, is not going to happen.

No way, no how. If she takes this to the convention, there will be
riots.

I hope Denver paid up its Police Protection tab.

Update: Looks like she's going to take West Virginia today by a ridiculous, ass-stomping margin. Doesn't fucking matter. At all. This is a state that still elects Robert "I'm a fucking Klansman" Byrd to the senate even though he's well past his expiration date.

Also, unlike Pennsylvania or Ohio or Florida or Michigan, this state is completely unimportant in the general election. It is going to McCain. Period.

I'm am, however, beginning to doubt my earlier prediction that she will drop out of the race due to this little McCain/Feingold caveat:

Hillary Clinton may have a financial incentive to remain in the presidential race for a while. And she has Senator John McCain to thank for it.

Clinton loaned her struggling campaign $11 million in recent months. A little-known provision of a 2002 campaign- finance law cosponsored by McCain prevents candidates who drop out of the race from raising money after the nominating conventions to repay themselves for personal loans.

Should Clinton fail to come up with the funds by the Democratic convention in August, she'll be out the $11 million. If she quits the campaign before then, she may find it hard to get people to keep giving cash just so she can retire her debt.

Of course, if this is why she's staying in it means that all donations from now until the end of the campaign are basically charity to the Clintons. I think you know where I stand on that proposition no matter how much Drew M. wants her to win.

This Moron Is Busy

2008-05-12T08:40:00.003-05:00

Can't blog much at work today but wanted to mention that the next installment of Ask A Moron: Zombie Invasion will be out this afternoon. It won't be dealing with too much strategy on our hero's part instead focusing on the general, global situation.

Prognosis: Epic Fail.

So, stay tuned!

Moron of the Day: This Fat Cop

2008-05-11T15:03:00.001-05:00

He sued because they fired him. The Police Department released the video to show why they did.

PD 1: Fat Guy 0

(h/t: Fark)

Ask a Moron: Bush Causes Hurricanes Not Cyclones

2008-05-09T08:15:00.004-05:00

Alice H. asks - Is Cyclone Nargis getting less press, despite it's massively huge death toll, because it's harder to blame Bush for something that happened halfway around the world?

As we all know, everything bad that happens, whether by action or inaction, is Bush's fault. The problem the media runs into is how to frame this argument when the event is:

A) An Act of God

B) All the way around the world

C) responded to by Bush with a strong diplomatic push to allow a torrent of government and charitable aid into the stricken areas.

This presents quite a quandary. What to do?

Why, what they always do. Attempt to ignore it completely. Problem is, death tolls of 100,000 or more tend to demand public attention to some level or another. In order to maintain the charade of neutrality a news organization must occasionally pad their 24/7 Bushilter programming with some, you know, actual news.

If you remember, they had the same panicked feeling about the tsunami and the shuttle disaster. For the first few hours of coverage they reported it almost completely straight while their top journalistic minds attempted to find some angle with which to pin the blame on Bush. You could almost see the tear run down their faces when they realized there was not even a stretch move to be made.

Poor bastards.

That's why I get all my news from the Moronosphere. We may be stupid but at least we're honest. You know, like retards.

P.S.: I know I'm in the middle of a big Ask A Moron but that's going to take a week or more and this one was pretty topical. Besides, Alice rules.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at the address on the sidebar.

Profile Creepy People Today!

2008-05-08T14:02:00.007-05:00

A pedophile is wanted internationally and they just caught him. That's not what I want to talk about. Here's his picture:

Seriously, if you walked past that guy on the street wouldn't you hold your child's hand a little tighter? I think it is high time we start criminally profiling creepy looking people. I said it.

Would you like to share a long walk on the beach with this guy?

Would you invite this guy to your 4th of July barbecue?

No. You wouldn't because they look fucking creepy. I propose legislation that will allow investigation and surveillance of people who score above 5 out of 10 on the Fucking Creepy scale of appearance. It's not like the discrimination will hurt them - they're too ugly and socially incompetent to be really happy anyway. They might even like the attention!

Don't worry, Ace, you're only at a 4.

They Can't Protect You

2008-05-08T08:22:00.004-05:00

They can only come along behind and pick up the pieces. Next time you think you don't need to be able to defend yourself, remember Brittany Zimmerman:

A 911 call from a murdered college student's cell phone featured sounds that should have been significant to a 911 operator, but they were not heard by the dispatcher during the call, Dane County's top official said Tuesday.

County Executive Kathleen Falk apologized for errors in how the call was managed, but said even if it had been handled correctly, it probably would not have saved Brittany Sue Zimmermann's life on April 2.

"From what I know, I do not believe that had the errors not occurred in the 911 center, that her murder could have been prevented," she said.

Hey, fuck you, bitch. Add this to the list of a billion reasons I can't fucking stand government employees. Can you imagine a more callous response to someone dying by your mistake than "well, it wouldn't have saved her anyway."

That's not the fucking point and we pay her salary to know that. Maybe she should, just a little, like... I don't know... care what happens to the citizens she is responsible for protecting. Her department fucked up and a young person is dead.

Fucking own it, you piece of shit.

I'm buying another gun.

Ask a Moron: Zombie Invasion - The Beginning

2008-05-07T19:58:00.014-05:00

doubleplusundead asks a fucking awesome question - Okay, here's a question for you. If you're facing a massive zombie outbreak, what do you arm and equip yourself with as you make your way to a secured zone?

What is your overall strategery? Do you take a fast and light approach or heavy and slow approach, or something in between?

Lucky for you, this is a topic I've spent no small amount of time contemplating. It isn't that I think it is likely (although some would have me believe it is possible) but that I find the tactical and strategic considerations to be subtle and interesting as well as just fucking cool. So, let's dig in shall we?

The Enemy

First, it is necessary to define the nature of our zombie plague. In order to keep this interesting, we are going to go with the standard hell-is-full, Dawn of the Dead zombie. Any consideration of fast zombies or zombies with advanced tool use lead us quickly to human extermination while disease-style zombies present too many complicated moral implications (do you try to cure them or kill them, etc...).

So, our zombies are bereft of human intelligence, hunger inexplicably for human flesh and ramble at a slow, shambling pace. They will not be capable of opening doors or firing guns and will be only slightly stronger than an average human being. The only way to kill these zombies will be the standard blow to the head, causing moderate to severe skull trauma. Other damage will be ignored to what extent the body is still functionally intact. Any person bitten or scratched by a zombie becomes, after some dramatically inopportune period, a zombie themself.

You may think I'm attempting to make this easy for humanity but dozens of films reinforce what this simulator predicts. A small number of highly contagious zombies will overwhelm human populations quickly if not confronted immediately with brutal, often callous force.

Location, Location, Location

Our hypothetical survivor will begin his in a suburban location. For reason to be explained later, truly urban environments will produce nearly no survivors and even those may be defeated by other, non-zombie catastrophes. Conversely, surviving in a rural environment, considering awareness of the problem, would present very few interesting tactical or strategic considerations. I'm not saying survival would be easy, but significantly more so.

Our survivor will live on the second floor of a standard multi-unit, controlled access apartment building. His apartment will have a balcony and our survivor (let's call him Ash, for shits and giggles) will have basic survival training. Here, I'll admit some bias toward our hero as first floor occupants can expect a significantly lessened lifespan.

Equipment

Ash has the usual stuff in his apartment: Enough food to last for a few weeks if used sparingly, clothes, basic tools and simple media equipment (not useful in the long term but very useful in the hectic early moments. As far as firearms, Ash is a red-blooded American male who takes his citizenship somewhat seriously so he owns a single, semi-automatic handgun with enough ammunition to not worry about it in the medium term. Outside he has a late-model sports coupe that gets decent mileage but can drop lead if necessary. It is parked roughly 30 feet from the front door of the complex.

The Game Plan

The ultimate goal, if one wishes to survive a zombie apocalypse, is to get yourself as fucking far away as possible from urban centers to establish a walled safe zone. From this location you can eventually collect survivors and expand your sphere of influence as resources become available. In order to achieve that, it is necessary to immediately consolidate whatever survivors you can assemble in your home town and take those people and resource as quickly as possible to the countryside. This strategic plan will focus primarily on this early portion of the story.

(to be continued...)

Other Installments

Moron of the Day: And You Thought the IRS Was Bad

2008-05-07T19:34:00.002-05:00

While they may anally violate us annually, at least they have the decency to do it behind closed doors:

Italians were surprised, and in some cases outraged, on Wednesday to discover that their income levels were available for public viewing on an Internet site.

As part of a crack-down on tax evasion, the outgoing centre-left government made public every citizen's declared taxable income on the state's tax website, a decision attacked by consumer groups and some politicians.

The website, www.agenziaentrate.gov.it, was difficult to access on Wednesday, something media said was due to massive traffic as curious Italians tried to see what their neighbours and celebrities were earning.

The most disturbing element of this story is not that this information is public (our government routinely releases vast reams of personal information inadvertently) but that it was a matter of public policy. They intentionally published the income of every Italian in order to curb tax evasion!

What a great fucking plan. An idea so retarded only a bureaucrat could love it.

Nine Inch Nails: The Slip

2008-05-07T19:27:00.001-05:00

Nine Inch Nails has released a new album for free download called "The Slip." I've listened to it a few times so far I like it but don't love it. They have also announced several North American tour dates, none of which I'll likely be able to attend. I guess that's not such a loss. I have this simulation to keep me entertained.

You'd Take Greenland From My Cold Dead Hands

2008-05-07T11:54:00.005-05:00

Too bad the leaders of Denmark are a bunch of socialist, eco-tards:

Anders Fogh Rasmussen, the Danish Prime Minister, travelled to Greenland – which has been part of Denmark since 1721 – to present a report that sets out the road to full sovereignty. The plan, which has been drawn up by a committee of politicians from Denmark and Greenland, envisages the phasing out of subsidies from Copenhagen as the huge island makes increasing use of its rich mineral and oil resources under a thick layer of ice.

Of course, what's really going to happen is the ice coverage will expand with the coming decade of global cooling and the newly independent Greenland will have to go crawling back to Denmark for it's sweet, sweet lutefisk subsidy.

Why wouldn't I let them be independent? Strategic snowmobiling interests, of course.

Sick and Tired

2008-05-07T08:48:00.004-05:00

I missed work yesterday sick so I'm swamped. That's a shame because I have several really good Ask A Moron questions. The problem is that they'll require some real effort on my part and I want to get them right. On that note, does anyone know a good, free world map editing program? I could use the paint bucket on MS Paint but I'm trying to class up the place, ya dig?

Last night was a blast but leaves me with an empty feeling. Hillary! is done. Obama is the candidate. McCain is a douchebag. This general election is going to be very long and depressing. I just wonder what we'll have to blog about until the conventions. There are only so many 80's speed metal videos I can put up here, you know?

I've decided I'm starting the Hillary Clinton Candidacy Dead Pool. Pick a date you think Hillary! will finally drop out of the race. The fact that she canceled all her talk show appearances today makes me think it may be sooner than the convention.

I'm picking May 23rd. Put your picks in the comments. I'll think of something clever to do for the winner.

P.S.: Why isn't douchebag in the spell checker dictionary? What about douchefluid? Douchenozzle? Ah, the holy trinity of douche. If McCain is the bag, who are the other two?

Update: DPUD responds in the comments:

She doesn't drop out, unless you count the Convention going "You lost, GTFO!" droppping out. Her ego won't allow it, that and she wants to do as much damage to Obama as possible in order to soften him for McCain so she can run in 2012.

It is obvious that she wants McCain to win. I can't argue with that.

She'll be campaigning for Obama about the same way OJ is looking for his ex-wife's killer.

But I think she'll drop out. I think she'll be too close to burning all her bridges with her party if she doesn't take a step back.

What she needs to do to position herself for 2012 is to withdraw when it becomes clear she can't win but loudly proclaim that she'd have a better chance to beat McCain.

Then, after McCain wins, she can go back to the party and say "I told you so, now let me at him in 2012."

That's what I'd do. If her ego won't allow that, her ego won't allow winning. Simple as that.

Moron Pundit Drools

2008-05-06T22:18:00.004-05:00

Bye, guys. It's been fun.
So say the voters at Ace's primary results chat this evening. As Ace said, it was the greatest night of my fly-over-country life as he allowed my bitter, downscale* opinions on the page without moderation. My indispensable knowledge of Northwestern Indiana proved too important.

As it stands, Hillary is up by some 40,000 votes without one vote counted in Lake County. She may pull out a technical win but a margin that small won't come close to mitigating the loss of momentum caused by her shellacking in North Carolina.

She'll stay in the race and attempt to make a fight of it at the convention but if the Democratic elite can't convince her to drop out, the riots will.

In other commentary, Allah finally calls it against the glacier:

Which means she has nothing left to commend her to the supers except an electability argument unsupported by a single key metric or even circumstantial evidence that Pastorgate has done Obama grievous damage at the polls. Are they going to take the nomination from the first serious black candidate for president without any compelling data to hang their decision on? Not a chance. It’s over. Let’s move on.

Honestly, the only reason there's been any coverage of this primary as 'close' is that our cynical media needs ratings to stay high. This has been over since Super Tuesday and everyone that's honestly looked at the numbers has to agree.

Luckily, Obama stands next to no chance of winning any of the major swing states the Democrats need to compete in the general. Ohio, Pennsylvania and Michigan have no great love for Obama and Florida is almost certainly going for McCain. Hell, Maverick is pretty damned popular among "downscale"* voters in Michigan and has a realistic shot at taking that state as well.

I'm sure this won't be called by the time I go to bed but I'm standing by my earlier prediction. The turnout in Lake County will be just enough to hand the state to Obama by several hundred votes. Clinton will stay in the race but nobody, even her, will know why.
* - Explanation of downscale here.

Update: Well, I was wrong. Looks like Clinton hangs on to a slim 15,000 vote victory primarily because Obama only took Lake County 55/45. I'd be shocked if both candidates aren't sending their best people to figure out why a dominantly black county in Chicago's media market gave Obama less support than Marion county and the suburbs of Indianapolis.

No wonder they waited so long to release their totals. They were probably wondering where all the extra Obama votes were.

Morons Unite

2008-05-06T16:14:00.005-05:00

Is there anything exciting going on tonight during the primary results? I could try to set up a Moron Chat but I figure Ace is going to do something like that.

Any interest or tips?

Oh, and thanks for all the Ask A Moron questions. You morons are the best!

Thought I'd give it a shot just because it's free and I want to see how it works. So far, so good.

Ask A Moron: Pick Your Poison

2008-05-05T20:30:00.005-05:00

Stashiu asks If humans were unexpectedly wiped out in a week, which would stay freshest longer... Twinkies or X-mas Fruitcake?

First of all, 'stay' should not be in this question because there is nothing fresh about Twinkies or fruitcake.

Second, I'm pretty sure that if humans were unexpectedly wiped out in a week it would be because of Christmas fruit cake.

Anyway, because the (horrifying) scientific properties of Twinkies are well known, the main variables are on the fruit cake side.

Really, it is difficult to find a person who has even eaten a bite of fruit cake let alone has conducted rigorous scientific study. I mean, have you ever actually tasted fruit cake? Anyone? Beuller?

I guess this is my answer:

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me at the address on the sidebar.

Beware: Celebrity Endorsement

2008-05-05T19:31:00.009-05:00

A guest spot from international superstar Wilson

As an official celebrity, I know my endorsement has just made your mind up for you, even though I'm known to be full of hot air. Get it? You fucking get that? I'm a fucking BALL. AND FUCKING SELF-DEPRECATING!

Fuck it, never mind. It's not funny if you have to explain it.

Anyway, I'm endorsing Hillary Clinton for President in 2008. One of the reasons I feel comfortable with her as President of the United States is that she has no history of being orally aggressive with balls. As we all know, I was rather seriously abused by Tom Hanks on a desert island before he went on to play with his own balls for a while on a recent YouTube video.

A guest spot from international superstar Hooch

I may eagerly eat my own puke and shake hands by sniffing ass but I know I want Ron Paul to be the next President of the United States.

Why?

We have a similar philosophy on drooling and chewing on furniture.

Moron of the Day: Ozzie Guillen

2008-05-05T12:54:00.005-05:00

Normally, even as a Cubs fan, I have a lot of respect for Ozzie Guillen's straight talk with the media but I think he may have gone a bit overboard yesterday:

"Right now everyone in Chicago is making lineups -- 'Call up this guy, call up that guy.' ... If we had 50 people allowed on the roster, we could do that. That's what ticks me off about Chicago fans and Chicago media: They forget pretty quickly. A couple of days ago we were the [bleeping] best [stuff] in town. Now we're [bleep]," Guillen said to the aforementioned Chicago media before the game.

Guillen observed that Chicago still loved the Cubs, even though they have not won a World Series since 1908, but the White Sox -- winners of the 2005 World Series -- did not receive the same affectionate support.

"We won it a couple years ago, and we're horse[bleep]," Guillen said, according to the Chicago Tribune. "The Cubs haven't won in [100] years, and they're the [bleeping] best. [Bleep] it, we're good. [Bleep] everybody. We're horse[bleep], and we're going to be horse[bleep] the rest of our lives, no matter how many World Series we win.

The fact that he's correct (still a Cubs fan) doesn't change how fucking stupid it was to go on that tirade. At least he is helping out the profanity level of my blog. Well, he would be if I could find a non-censored version. Even the fucking Internet is letting me down.

He's right about anotherthing: he won't be managing the White Sox in 10 years.

Update: Related.

Lulu Loves Her Doggy

2008-05-05T08:32:00.002-05:00

It was a busy weekend and looks to be an even busier week. Instead of stretching to find something to say about politics or 'obliterating Iran,' I've decided to dose you with cute.

I'll have more this evening and I'm still taking questions for Ask A Moron.

Reminder for Obama Supporters

2008-05-02T16:03:00.005-05:00

In order to mitigate some of the righteous anger you may feel in the unlikely event of defeat at the Democratic Convention or the likely event of defeat in the General Election, I provide the following reminder:

10 barely interested voters still beats 9 rabid, fanatical voters.

Always have, always will.

So, even though McCain may not make girls faint when he talks and I doubt Clinton makes anyone tingle in the pants the vast swath of barely interested America will vote and it will count.

Try to stay calm or the the Dems might get tired of being pushed around by a bunch of mouth breathing, insane, mongoloid fucktards.

P.S.: When Obama loses, I want a montage of his campaign put together to this song:

Ask A Moron: Ask a Stupid Person, Get a Stupid Answer

2008-05-02T11:42:00.007-05:00

bmac asks: If your driving at the speed of light (let's assume you could drive a car at the speed of light), and you turn your headlights on, will anything happen?

You turn gay.

Here is my proof:

Take that, Einstein.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments or e-mail them to me.

Physics Is Neato

2008-05-01T20:17:00.001-05:00

I was going to just put this on the sidebar but it's just too fucking cool:

Two Can't Play At This Game

2008-05-01T19:52:00.004-05:00

This picture not only proves I don't have S. Weasel's talent but how very mature my sense of humor is.

I giggled for like 10 minutes.

The Dire State of Liberal Education

2008-05-01T18:14:00.004-05:00

I have a friend.

After serving a full term in the United States Marine Corps including service in Iraq, this friend returned to a local college and immediately ran for class president. He won. Putting aside the comical assertion by his opponent that a semester in the senate counted as 'more experience' than raising to the rank of Sergeant in the middle of a war, the voters of the college elected him by a solid majority as well as a dominant selection of his chosen senators.

The government was his. Just like that.

Yesterday he approached me about modifying the constitution of his college seeking my advice as to what changes should be made. I reviewed the document and found it, by and large, to be a boilerplate clone of the U.S. version. The only major deviance was a U.N. style requirement that a large number (though not majority) of the senate seats be held by individuals elected by "major status" organizations on campus. To be a "major status" organization, a club must get support from the student government and must, in its constitution, put forth goals that help the entirety of the student body.

Several of the organizations fall clearly into this category such as the student paper, the radio station, and the student activities committee. The rest of them are what can only be termed special interest, group politics style organizations which represent one or another 'victim' class on the campus.

One of the major things my friend wants to change about the Constitution is categorizing these "major status" special interest clubs into one group that only gets one voting senator automatically. He asked me what I would consider to be the best way to do this and I, to my shame, had to suggest he do no such thing.

I couldn't suggest he do it because I couldn't erase the image of the impending witch hunt. I couldn't find terms to explain to my friend who had just spent the last 6 years of his life as a member of the most meritocratic organization on the face of the earth that liberal arts colleges long ago ceased being engines of human improvement and were now massive liberal echo chambers.

I couldn't suggest he do it because I didn't want to be responsible for the impeachment proceedings in which he was called a racist or bigot because he believed that, while diversity was important, a group who's name creates a discriminatory atmosphere in any direction can't possibly benefit the 'entire student body.'

It is such unmitigated horseshit that a man who's had to defend his experience against a snot-nosed college kid would have to then be dragged over the coals b by these naive, sheltered, indoctrinated children.

It makes me wonder who would even want to pursue a liberal arts degree anymore. Seriously, what good is a sociology major in the real world. More precisely, what improvement over a High School degree does that person have?

I have no doubt that in nearly every case an individual who has served a term in the military is far more capable of handling a non-specialized job than someone that has completed a liberal arts degree. In reality, these men and women should simply be granted a bachelor's degree upon completing their tour. I surely would rather have the average PFC from the Marine Corps working with me than someone who majored in Women's Studies.

I thought that his description of children was less an S&M thing than...

was all I heard of the conversation before I was out of reach and certainly more than I wanted to hear. I would say that they were just talking about something private but the tenor of their speech and body language made it clear that they were discussing a recently attended class.

There is no conceivable situation in any environment of higher learning in which that statement should be uttered.

Ever.

None.

It is a disgusting and offensive thought that not only do our tax dollars fund the operations of this institution but also give the students a $5,000,000 stipend to spend as they wish while teaching students about S&M and children (no, I seriously don't give a fuck what the context was).

What is funny is that he routinely asks me to come back to school to help him win these fights in student government and change the system. Sadly, I feel I lack the energy to do so. A daughter and two jobs takes a lot of juice out of my My only suggestion at this point is to use that money to help pay each student's tuition for the year. Five million would go a long way among a small student body such as theirs.

So really, am I right to wave him off of this dangerous course or has the dire state of liberal education bid us remember the words Don Juan's words before Lepanto:

Gentlemen, the time for counsel is past and the time for fighting has come.

Moron of the Day: I'm Rich Beyotch!

2008-05-01T15:22:00.006-05:00

"We don't have 360 billion dollars." ---- "Hwat?"
I don't even know where to start with this story:

A man has been accused of attempting to pass a $360 billion check, which he claims was given to him by his girlfriend’s mother to start a record business, Fort Worth police said.

Charles Ray Fuller Charles Ray Fuller, 21, of Crowley, was arrested on April 22 on an accusation of forgery, police said.

Police responded to a report of a man attempting to pass the check about 4 p.m. that day at the Chase bank in the 8600 block of South Hulen Street, Fort Worth police Lt. Paul Henderson said.

The personal check was not made out to Mr. Fuller and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion.

Seriously, read that a few times and really let it sink in. Now, look at the guy's picture. Go on, I'll be here when you get back.

Now, try to wrap your mind around THIS:

Mr. Fuller was also accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana, Lt. Henderson said. He may also face a theft charge in Crowley.

I don't fucking believe it.

So, to sum this story up, a man goes into a bank with a personal check for 360 billion with a B dollars and tries to CASH it. That would be almost half of all circulated U.S. currency and most certainly would not be contained in the vaults or cashier's drawer of a single bank.

Second, I'd love to see the house his girlfriend's mother lives in. I'd wager a lot (not $360 billion, mind you) that her house might suggest she doesn't, in fact, possess those levels of cash assets. If not, perhaps Jonathan Lee Riches was suing the wrong people.

You know what would be great? Those two ending up in prison together. These two men who have absolutely no understanding of the size of numbers could sit in their cells and sue each other and write checks to each other.

(Thanks to Nate at Isn't Cheap)

Ask A Moron: Quieres Bailar, Puto?

2008-05-01T08:38:00.007-05:00

Te amo, porque tu culo es dulce.

Alice H. asks: Is it time to invade Venezuela yet?

While I am most decidedly an irresponsible chicken hawk warmonger, I'm of two minds on this one. On the one hand I can think of no greater thing than setting our boys loose for a little target practice in the lovely mountains of Venezuela. We could kick their asses, steal their oil and catapult Chavez into the ocean. It even seems that the State Department is slowly coming around to the idea:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is not cooperating with U.S. anti-terror efforts and has "deepened Venezuelan relationships with state sponsors of terrorism Iran and Cuba," the annual report says.

The report notes Chavez's "ideological sympathy" for the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia and the Colombian-based National Liberation Army, which "regularly crossed into Venezuelan territory to rest and regroup."

While the report says it "remained unclear to what extent the Venezuelan government provided support to Colombian terrorist organizations," it notes that Venezuelan weapons stocks have turned up in the hands of Colombian terrorist organizations.

It also notes that Iran and Venezuela began weekly flights between their capitals, and the passengers were not subject to proper checks. Among the passengers was a suspect in the plot to bomb New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.

"Venezuelan citizenship, identity, and travel documents remained easy to obtain, making Venezuela a potentially attractive way station for terrorists," the report says.

Sounds like a good reason to send the boys in and expose Venezuela's socialist dictator to the wonders of high-tech, capitalist weaponry. What could be better?

Well, my other mind can think of one thing. Fucking with them.

We all know that Venezuela is only a threat in the realm of international popularity because his newly acquired Soviet military wouldn't last 30 minutes against Colombia let alone one Carrier Battle Group. What I think would be a good idea is using the combined power of the United States military and espionage arms to play constant, humiliating practical jokes on Venezuela and especially Hugo "Por Que No Te Calles" Chavez.

We could send every cell phone in the country a video of Chavez making out with Castro produced by our very best video editors.

How about doing this to him every morning?

Then, afterwards, we could take over all the TV channels in Venezuela and broadcast non-stop sweaty man beach volleyball with lots of ass slapping and chest bumping. I will spare you the video on that one.

High value production of Two Latin American Dictators, 1 Cup?

Intercept all weapons shipments and replace them with dildos?

The sky is the limit, I'm pretty stupid today so I'm sure you guys can come up with something better.

Bottom line: Let's make fun, not war. But after the fun, let's make a bunch of war. Then make fun again.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments.

I Hope You Don't Notice How Often I Change My Tune

2008-04-30T11:55:00.004-05:00

I have only been watching politics seriously for little more than a decade but I still have to move Obama ahead of Bill Clinton on the list of opportunistic, poll-driven, snake-oil salesmen politicians.

Dude, holy fucking shit:

Barack Obama, declaring “that’s enough,” denounced Tuesday as “appalling” and “ridiculous” comments made in the last few days by his former pastor, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright Jr.

In a press conference in North Carolina, the Illinois senator used his strongest language to date to condemn Wright’s controversial sermons, which have remained a burden to his campaign since they became national news more than a month ago. Wright spoke Monday at The National Press Club in Washington, D.C.

“I am outraged by the comments that were made, and saddened over the spectacle that we saw yesterday,” Obama said.

“The person I saw yesterday was not the person that I met 20 years ago. His comments were not only divisive and destructive, but I believe they ended up giving comfort to those who prey on hate,” he said.

But I THOUGHT:

In my first book, Dreams From My Father, I described the experience of my first service at Trinity:

"People began to shout, to rise from their seats and clap and cry out, a forceful wind carrying the reverend's voice up into the rafters....And in that single note - hope! - I heard something else; at the foot of that cross, inside the thousands of churches across the city, I imagined the stories of ordinary black people merging with the stories of David and Goliath, Moses and Pharaoh, the Christians in the lion's den, Ezekiel's field of dry bones. Those stories - of survival, and freedom, and hope - became our story, my story; the blood that had spilled was our blood, the tears our tears; until this black church, on this bright day, seemed once more a vessel carrying the story of a people into future generations and into a larger world. Our trials and triumphs became at once unique and universal, black and more than black; in chronicling our journey, the stories and songs gave us a means to reclaim memories that we didn't need to feel shame about...memories that all people might study and cherish - and with which we could start to rebuild."

That has been my experience at Trinity. Like other predominantly black churches across the country, Trinity embodies the black community in its entirety - the doctor and the welfare mom, the model student and the former gang-banger. Like other black churches, Trinity's services are full of raucous laughter and sometimes bawdy humor. They are full of dancing, clapping, screaming and shouting that may seem jarring to the untrained ear. The church contains in full the kindness and cruelty, the fierce intelligence and the shocking ignorance, the struggles and successes, the love and yes, the bitterness and bias that make up the black experience in America.

And this helps explain, perhaps, my relationship with Reverend Wright. As imperfect as he may be, he has been like family to me. He strengthened my faith, officiated my wedding, and baptized my children. Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about any ethnic group in derogatory terms, or treat whites with whom he interacted with anything but courtesy and respect. He contains within him the contradictions - the good and the bad - of the community that he has served diligently for so many years.

I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown him than I can my white grandmother - a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe.

So let me get this straight. The endless parade of racist, anti-American, conspiracy-laden soundbites that were available on DVD and spouted EVERY OTHER WEEK in his fucking church weren't enough but now that he's said the same things at a press conference, that's beyond the pale?

Give me a fucking break.

Describe to me exactly the type of person who's twenty-year spiritual mentor marries him to his socialist wife, baptizes his children but doesn't notice that his mentor is a racist, anti-American lunatic. Not a closeted, ashamed racist, anti-American lunatic but the kind that openly professes his hatred and conspiracy theories in public at least twice a month! Describe the type of person who sees a man as family but doesn't know his beliefs in any way.

Would the words dipshit or retard be in the description? How about braindead commie fuck? Asshat enthusiast?

Of course, the media is completely buying it and we shall hear no more about it but even if this story was over, we'd still be eagerly awaiting the explanations for Obamas myriad associations with unrepentant terrorists and communists.

Oh, and way to throw your spiritual mentor under the bus along with your grandmother. I hope she doesn't mind being run over in such close proximity to one of those scary darkies. No wonder Wright is so pissed. I'd feel pretty fucking betrayed too.

Fuck you, Obama. Your shills in the media may be buying your horseshit but I'm not. It's too bad, too. At one point I'd have defended you as, at least, an honest, well-meaning guy.

Now I know the truth; You're just another dirty, opportunistic, Illinois machine politician. I can't wait until you go to prison.

Long Night

2008-04-30T09:57:00.002-05:00

I would have posted an Ask a Moron last night but I was delirious with fever so the post might have looked like something on Daily Kos.

Anyway, I'll get to a couple of Ask A Morons before this week is over and I think that Mr. Hussein Obama needs a good foot up the ass, too.

Can you believe the ball girth on that guy? I'm surprised he can find pants. 20 years he spends with Rev. Wright as his spiritual mentor and now he suddenly realizes he's a racist piece of shit? Only now? Don't forget he has now denounced a man he could no sooner denounce than all of black America.

Blacks, your denunciation is in the mail.

And I thought the Clintons were pragmatic.

Saint Rachel (Open Blog)

2008-04-29T10:55:00.005-05:00

In her attempt at Total World Domination, it appears that Rachel is seeking to become a Saint:

Dig this: Sunny has lost another pound and I am — wait for it — starting to see her girlish silhouette again. She has been shaped like a sausage for so many years, I forgot what she looked like with a little indentation around the hips. It’s kind of a miracle and I’m considering phoning the Pope to let him know.

If the Pope asks, I wholeheartedly endorse Rachl Lukis as a Saint but what are her other two miracles?

Also, she would be the Patron Saint of what?'

I vote Patron Saint of Dog Costumes.

Calling in Sick

2008-04-29T10:37:00.000-05:00

I've come down with a stomach ailment of some type and the body aches are overwhelming. It is all I can do to muddle through a little work today and go home. I should put together an Ask a Moron tonight if I don't just pass the fuck out.

And so continues, the Week of Suck!

Rubber Man

2008-04-28T18:53:00.001-05:00

A little silliness for a Monday afternoon.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Moron of the Day: Wesley Snipes

2008-04-28T18:33:00.002-05:00

I know this is old but I just can't get over how fucking delicious this story is. It reminds me that the Federal government isn't just a faceless amalgamation of witless bureaucrats but also, from time to time, is staffed with magnificent bastards.

For those of you that don't know, magnificent bastards are total cockfaces that live to infuriate others but do it in such an amusing and poetic manner that you have to smile. Here's one of my favorite examples:

We all know the story but here's a recap:

Mr. Snipes, who was convicted in February, received one year for each count, to be served consecutively, and an additional year of probation. The sentence was handed down by Judge William Terrell Hodges of Federal District Court.

Mr. Snipes, who apologized for his actions before the sentence was announced, showed no immediate reaction to the verdict.

Judge Hodges allowed Mr. Snipes and a co-defendant, Douglas Rosile, to remain free on bond until they were summoned by either the United States Marshals Service or the Federal Bureau of Prisons.

The sentencing came at the end of a daylong hearing in which lawyers for Mr. Snipes argued for leniency while federal prosecutors sought the maximum penalty possible.

The case was the most prominent tax prosecution since the billionaire hotelier Leona Helmsley was convicted of tax fraud in 1989. Mr. Snipes, who has built a worldwide following acting in films like the “Blade” vampire trilogy, must pay up to $17 million in back taxes plus penalties and interest.

Now, my favorite part of this story is that Wesley Snipes attempted to earn leniency by paying off a portion of his debt:

Mr. Snipes even tried to make a down payment on his taxes before sentencing; his legal team offered Judge Hodges three checks totaling $5 million.

Judge Hodges refused the checks, saying he did not have the authority to accept them. Prosecutors also declined to accept the checks. An Internal Revenue Service employee eventually accepted the checks on behalf of the Treasury Department.

I love it. He tries to buy them off and at first the government acts like itself, retarded and incapable of making a decision. Then, some overachiever (by Fed standards) realized that the motherfucker had to pay them the money anyway and that his paying in no way mitigated the crime he had committed. I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he has a private word with his attorneys.

The judge gets a good jab in, too:

Mr. Snipes’s legal team also questioned the validity of federal sentencing guidelines. At one point, one of his lawyers, Carmen Hernandez, described herself as “an expert on sentencing.”

Judge Hodges replied, “If I may be so bold, I’ve also had some experience with that.”

Heh.

Now, I was upset I didn't get a chance to post this until today but I'm glad I waited because we now have definitive proof that Snipes could have played the insane card. He wants to serve his term in New Fucking Jersey.

Case closed.

Editorial Spill

2008-04-28T08:32:00.005-05:00

I spent the weekend with my daughter while attempting to write a very large amount of web code. Let's say I was more successful making my daughter smile than my employers. This week we go live at my other job on a major project so I'll be swamped and probably very grumpy by the time May rolls around.

I barely got a chance to watch or look at any news this weekend but it looks like there's a whole lot of fucking nothing happening. I tried to find a Moron of the Day and came up with Wesley Snipes. It's old, I know but he is seriously mentally deficient. I'll probably have an Ask a Moron today as well so stay tuned.

The thing that sucks most epically is that last week was the best week this blog has ever had and I have to follow it up with Hell Month. If you just started reading I hope you like crap because that's what you'll be getting for a while.

Well, that and fucking cursing and explosions.

Weekend Video: Hancock Trailer

2008-04-27T10:19:00.004-05:00

I am, in general, a big Will Smith fan and this movie looks pretty entertaining. I just watched I Am Legend last night and it was great other than the ridiculous computer-generated 'zombies.'

Have a good, lazy weekend. I wish I was.

Dear Liberals: Introduction

2008-04-25T09:49:00.003-05:00

Sure as I know anything, I know this - they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten? They'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave. - Captain Malcolm Reynolds - Serenity

Dear Liberals,

I am not one of you.

While I have difficulty categorizing myself as conservative, libertarian, anarchist, egalitarian, aristocrat or oligarch, I am certain of what I am not.

I am not a Liberal.

I intend, over the next several months or years, to explain to you why I this is the case. On every topic, I will seek to explain my position and why it conflicts with the Liberal philosophy that is currently dominant in the bulk of Western Civilization.

Before I can do this, however, I feel it is important to describe who I am. I am a 28year old computer programmer that has, over the last 10 years, struggled to transform himself from a shiftless, lazy, whiny, unrealistic child into a successful, hard-working man and father. Over that time, and in the pursuit of training to be a programmer, I have felt the despair of having strongly-held beliefs of how things should be crushed beneath the pestle of hard reality. But, like the phoenix, this experiences only serves to raise you up and clarify what the nature of life really is. The truth of the matter is that when reality and your beliefs conflict, it is you who must yield. It is you who is wrong.

I suffered greatly at the hands of my own beliefs. I thought I was owed things. I felt I was entitled. Grimly, the world owes you precisely nothing and reality will do it's level best to provide you exactly that unless you fight back. This is neither a good thing or a bad thing. This is a true thing. This is a fact.

Yes, there are such things and they are not relative or open to appeal.

Honestly, this is the most basic explanation for why I am not a Liberal. Liberals often apply the word "should" to matters of empirical observation. "People shouldn't be greedy." But they are. "People should be generous to each other." But they are not. Well, not always, but it is beside the point what should be. We need to deal with what exists and try to make the best of it.

As a programmer, I am constantly forced to adjudicate the decision between the ideal and the possible and I can guarantee: the perfect is the worst enemy of the good. There are no perfect solutions to human society because there are no perfect humans and any attempt to build such a monstrosity is doomed to result in totalitarianism and terror.

Nothing in the long, amazing history of mankind lends any credibility whatsoever to the Utopian ideals of the Liberal mindset. Any philosophy that is based on what should be rather than what is can never succeed. It is doomed to failure.

So, I am not one of you because I am not only forced but choose to live in the really real world.

I hope one day you'll join me.

Sincerely,
Moron Pundit

Moron Dictionary: Refugee

2008-04-25T08:52:00.003-05:00

Refugee - n. A person who flees for refuge or safety.

Retardonym : Evacuee - A word used to designate refugees from the Hurricane Katrina disaster after the word "refugee" was deemed a racist word like "elitist" or "out of touch."

Tax Breaks for Children

2008-04-25T08:06:00.006-05:00

Rachel Lucas brings up a touchy subject:

Here’s a debate question: is it fair for people to pay less tax simply because they have chosen to have children? I’m sure you can guess where I stand (I say it’s bullshit), but I’m curious to hear logical, sound defenses of this policy. Yeah, if I had kids, I’d take the deduction, but I don’t think I’d feel comfortable saying it’s actually “fair” that the day I popped a baby out I suddenly deserved to pay less tax than the day I did before.

On the one hand I support fair, low taxes. On the other hand, I believe it is in society's interest to support and promote responsible reproduction as it is the only thing that can stave off the worst case demographic scenarios presented by Mark Steyn in American Alone.

First, a disclaimer. I am a father but I do not receive any tax benefit. Actually, the way the laws are set up, I am penalized but that's another, much longer rant.

I suppose my opinion on whether or not there should be a tax break for having children depends on how it is implemented. If asked, I would say I do not support the breaks we currently have. It seems the entire system is structured to promote poor, uneducated, single women to have children in order to receive money from the father, the government and any other third-party institution that may dump cash their way. A child is not only a meal ticket but, depending on who you get to donate sperm, a lottery ticket.

That being said, in the end, we need children. I'm a supporter of the "one for yourself, one for your spouse, one for the country" mentality of reproduction. The fact that intelligent, responsible adults like Rachel Lucas have no interest in having children (a decision only she can make and one on which I refuse to judge anyone... the last thing we need is people who don't want children having them) only requires that other people have even more children. The problem is, children are very expensive and having three or more children in the modern world is not a good financial decision, to say the least. Let's face it; educated, intelligent, financially stable adults look at all the sacrifices necessary to have children and many of them just don't think it's worth it. Sadly, these are the very people we need to be parents.

So, what do you do?

I think we need to find a way to encourage financially stable individuals to have children without also promoting unfit or single parents(I'm not saying we leave those children to rot... just that we attempt to deter that behavior). I believe one good way to do that is to provide tax-breaks for employed parents in stable relationships. It doesn't seem fair but it is undeniable that everyone in society benefits from there being a society in the first place. Surely that's worth a few tax breaks here and there?

Of course, if Rachel reads this, she's going to eviscerate it. I dread all the wrath. Tastes like burning.

Update: I am speechless. Welcome Mark Steyn readers. Take a look around if you have a few minutes.

Wow, Rachel Lucas and now this? That's two heroes of mine in the same week! It's like Christmas. What's next? Lileks? Ace? Allahpundit? John Bolton? Hugh Hewitt?

Ask a Moron: Carter's Terrorist Buddies

2008-04-24T13:35:00.011-05:00

Old Iron asks: What identified terrorist group has Carter NOT met with?

Well, I consulted the State Departments list of Foreign Terrorist Organizations and I'll be damned if I didn't find a picture of Jimmy Carter getting surprise buttsecks with the leader of every fucking one of them. It looked like I needed to dig a little deeper because I always go the extra mile for a fellow moron.

After much searching in dark archives and catacombs, I found the one global terrorist organization Jimmy Carter seems to have no affiliation with: The United States Government.

I didn't think we were a terrorist state either and I'll admit, my source is dubious at best but he seemed very adamant about it:

I have it on good authority (his) that Douchey McCockwarmer takes it in the rear. NTTAWWT

Anyway, if I didn't count the United States, I'd never have been able to write this post and I can't have that. So, for the sake of this post, let's assume Douchey McCockwarmer is right and Amerikka is eveel.*

Now, I tend to follow the news a lot and it seems like Jimmeh Carter is almost constantly on good-will, peacey-hopey-changey missions abroad in which he fellates terrorists on, I assumed, behalf of the American people. But after doing some research on this topic, I am shocked, shocked to discover that Jimmy Carter has, all these years, been acting without any official sanction from the government whatsoever!

I know, I can hardly believe it myself.

Why, it's almost like that senile, half-a-tard should park his ass down on the nut farm and plow his own ass with a chainsaw instead of legitimizing baby-murdering zealots with taxpayer provided security. Almost.

*- Upon further review, Douchey McCockwarmer is a certified lunatic who gets his news from www.ieatmyownfeceswithaspork.com and should probably be ignored on any topic he happens to start yelling incoherently about. Furthermore, my research has completely exonerated the U.S. government and Israel of all possible accusations of terrorism. The real terrorists are, in fact, those douchebags in the Middle East and, to some extent, elsewhere that insist on butchering innocents to make political statements far above their mental weight class would allow.

In order to keep Ask A Moron a regular feature I need questions from you, my readers. Please put your questions, any question at all, in the comments.

McCain's New Media Strategy

2008-04-24T13:17:00.004-05:00

In the news:

Republican John McCain on Wednesday asked the North Carolina GOP not to run a television ad that brings up the controversial former pastor of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama.

North Carolina Republican Party officials insisted the ad will run as planned despite McCain's request.

The ad opens with a photo of Obama and the Rev. Jeremiah Wright together and a clip of Wright, whose comments on race have bedeviled Obama.

And here in three paragraphs I have a demonstration of John McCain's brilliant 'New Media' strategy that will simultaneously harness the power of the Internet, bypass restrictions in fundraising (partially imposed by his own shitty legislation) and counterbalance the left's massive advantage in unofficial soft advertising.

The strategy is simple: remain as detached from the conservative new media as possible without pissing them off while publicly encouraging these independent actors to be civil and avoid mudslinging. Of course, as in North Carolina, these bloggers and partisans will rebel against the barely acceptable and quite unpopular McCain and only pump up the volume on these attack ads. This gives McCain the ability to get massive publicity and avoidi any perceived affiliation with the organizations that produced them.

It is no secret that John McCain can't hope to compete with the organization, funding or 'hipness' of the current Democratic machine and he certainly can't compete in an official capacity on the Internet except to give another example of his shortcomings. If, on the other hand, he allows the most brutal of attacks to be popularized by independent actors he gets to circumvent limitations on hard and soft-money contributions yet still reap the benefit of flood-the-zone advertising. Even radio personalities that hate him will denounce his rejection of the attack which only brings more attention to the issue at hand. Brilliant.

Also, the right just doesn't have nutroots organization of the size and stability of Moveon.org, etc. Even if they did, attacking Obama at best is seen as kicking a puppy and at worst opens one up to the shrill charges of racism.

Therefore, it is best that McCain never, implicitly or explicitly condone a negative attack on Obama in public and instead count on the thousands of concerned, semi-hostile conservative media voices to make those attacks instead. It plays clean with the moderates, allows him the advantage when the Democrats and their apparatchiks attack, and saves him much-needed cash.

Am I giving him too much credit? Well, he's not a very good conservative but I have yet to hear the argument that he isn't a good politician. I guess we'll see. I am a moron, after all.

Unintentionally Gay Rap Lyrics

2008-04-23T19:44:00.001-05:00

Funny:

The Lyric:

"Man I'm done saying that I'm done playing, Im'ma a start laying any of these motherfucking cocksuckers."

What He's Probably Saying:

"No joke, my patience is exhausted and now I'm gonna start shooting people."

What We Like To Think He's Saying:

"Seriously, I'm gonna start having sex with dudes."

Two-Bit Fucknugget Thinks He's Three-Bit FuckNugget

2008-04-23T18:42:00.010-05:00

Oh no you don't you cockless shitstain:

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez may sign a contract for four Russian diesel submarines on a visit to Moscow next month, the Kommersant daily has reported, citing unidentified officials.

Chavez has been invited to the May inauguration of Dmitry Medvedev as Russian president.

If he takes up the invitation, the Venezuelan leader may use the opportunity to sign a contract to buy four Kilo-class diesel submarines agreed to at the start of this year, the paper said.

Kommersant said the submarine contract, worth about $1 billion ($1.27 billion), had been set to be signed in February.

Venezuela is seeking a loan of about $800 million ($1.02 billion) from a Russian bank, probably from Russia's official debt agent, Vneshekonombank, for some of the arms purchases, the paper said, adding that the loan had yet to be agreed.

Officials at Venezuela's Moscow embassy were not immediately available for comment on the report. A spokesman for Russia's state arms exporter could not be reached for comment and the foreign ministry declined to comment.

The paper said Venezuela also wants to buy 12 Ilyushin Il-76 military transport aircraft while Russia is interested in selling Caracas its new generation Sukhoi Su-35 fighters, which are still being tested.

Two things you little cocksucker.

One, it is about fucking time you realized there's only room for one enormous set of balls in this hemisphere so if you'd like your little raisins to see the sun you may want to relocate your socialist shithole somewhere more amenable like the Korean peninsula.

Second, I hope you and your ~~slaves~~ citizens enjoy spending all that grocery money on high tech death toys only to get froggy one day and have the Righteous Yankee Fist of Doom come a-fuckin' on through. You'll be sitting there explaining how submarines are supposed to be underwater to people who live in the reality that they are filled with water. I'd say you'd feel stupid but if being an unapologetic commie doesn't get you there, I'm pretty sure being on the receiving end of the most one-sided war since the Wehrmacht kicked a puppy wont' do it either.

Next time you come to visit the United Nations we catapult your commie ass into the side of the building at close range.

Hell, we should sell tickets.

Ya, esta adentro, papi?

Moron Dictionary: Homoment

2008-04-23T09:43:00.006-05:00

Rachel Lucas has given the world a new word and it is good.

I have coined a new term for the exchange: homoment. Say it out loud, you’ll get it. It was really gay, see?

Some examples of homoments:

Jimmy Kimmel is fucking Ben Affleck

Homoment.

Of course, Jimmy Carter has had countless Homoments.

Update: As suggested in the comments, here's another Homoment.

Big Post Coming

2008-04-23T09:37:00.003-05:00

I've been threatening this for a while and it is finally started. I'm going to lay out exactly how I feel about every issue in the form of letters to Liberals. The introduction is going to be the hardest part as it will be more essay than rant. Being that I'm a pretty shitty writer that resorts to endless profanity in lieu of the skilled use of vocabulary, this will be pretty difficult.

See you later.

P.S. - I'm still looking for questions for Ask a Moron. Seriously, ANY QUESTION will work.